21/03/2013 - evening
Thursday, March 21, 2013
As I was washing the pots this evening I was shocked to notice the tears streaming down my face. I feel that maybe getting this off my chest may help me feel better. This downer that I appear to be on may lift. My happy facade has its cracks and the more I try to hide them - the wider they seem to get.
Im scared. Thats the main thing. Nobody truely knows how long they are going to live, but there is this feeling that you will live to an old age, live to see your children grow, to meet your grandchildren even. I am under no such illusions, and it scares me. I know that there is a good chance that I wont reach the age of 50. That I will need a transplant at an early age. That theres a chance that they wont find a match for me in time. Its the most serious end of the scale - but its there. I know there is dialysis... but to be honest, that scares me to. Im 23 years old. I've never smoked, I dont drink much, until about 5 years ago I was healthy and the "ideal" weight then contentment and stress put some weight on me. Ive never done drugs. Yet I have CKD. There are people who abuse their bodies and never have a problem. CKD is mainly found in non-caucasian males over the age of 65 so my luck is pretty low/bad.
I have no support, my husband doest realise the severity of the situation (and wont take time off to come to an appointment with me) and he loves me the way I am. Which is lovely - but not good for my health. My mum is as bad as me and is always offering bicuits and such. My will power is virtually non existant at times and I crumble.
I want another baby. I would love to give Taylor a little sister (even a little brother would be welcome) but I have been told that there is minimal chance of being able to have any more children. This is adding to my down-ness. Especially with all the pregnancies and new borns around me.
I just feel worthless and pointless - like im a waste of someone else's perfectly good oxygen. Ive googled my condotion a lot. I know what my doctors arent telling me. Im on stage 4 out of 5. next stage = recognised kidney failure.
I realise that this blog is dripping with self pity, but in writing I can put the words that will never leave my mouth. I have to be strong. For my son, for my husband. For me.
Thanks for listening.