Thanks for the outpouring of support, another night of crying and feeling desperate

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I've seen all the very kind words that you all have written to me and suggestions and believe me you have no idea how much it really is appreciated.
I don't always expect responses to what I write sometimes I think the only one that will listen to me is the little box in which I write in , so for everyone to take the time to write me really meant a lot.
Sometimes I just have to get all the negative out of me and I have no place to do that but here, yes I talk to my husband but like someone said in one of the responses he'll say to me don't I matter to you? When you talk like that it hurts me (him) and I'm not trying to hurt him, I just feel bad that he ever met up with me cause he's had to sacrifice so much being with me and he's working for both of us and I know it's tough for him even though he doesn't complain. I tell him all the time that if it wasn't for him and our son that I'd never put up with this pain and that is true, I tell him that I try and deal with it because I know I'd hurt them and break their hearts and I couldn't ever do that to the two most important people in my life.
I do use warm compresses as someone pointed out and I'd be lost without it but my neck gets red raw from using it and I also use icy hot, my neck is a mess in the winter as I seem to use it more then. My ankles , wrists ( you have no idea how long it takes me to even type it's that bad) , knees all feel like they are just going to break, I haven't been able to do any arm exercise cause I can't even lift my arms I have to have my husband help me put on tops, they feel like doll arms and they'll break off.
I am taking Omega 3 and I have valium for the fibromyalgia and still on meds for the lyme disease. See I worked for 10 yrs in a warehouse and it killed my body and then when I got misdiagnosed with the lyme the spores just moved in to all the weak muscles and joints and took over and then when I started taking meds it started a war in my body. I think if I never worked there I probably wouldn't be as bad as I am now.
Someone mentioned me getting a massage, that wouldn't work for me because I can't even have my husband or son gently rub my neck or back it feels like torture.
Today I did take the advice of someone on here and ignored the 2 calls I got from my dad, he thinks cause the sun is out I'm fine , but it was very windy and again today was another tortured filled day of pain, but he doesn't get it cause it's not about him.
I don't really need to give up anything I don't drink soda or eat chips the most I'll have is skinny cow ice creams and that's 100 calories and it's not like I'm eating a lot of them and I've fallen in love with blueberries and strawberries. I love water always have so it's not food that is depressing me , I haven't really turned to food I'm just sick of being in pain.
Imagine waking up every single day and knowing your going to be in pain and then when you know a storm is coming it's going to be severe pain and when the storm is a few days away and your already feeling it , it's just pure hell!
My dad thinks that after a stormy day that the next day I'll just be okay, but it doesn't work like that because my body is going through such hellish pain it takes a day or two to ease up.
I can't allow for my dad to put everything on me and make me feel guilty, he doesn't do that to the others who actually deserve to feel guilty for how they treat him (treat him like crap) but I'm the one that hears all his remarks and he's actually been worse since getting a roommate almost like he's putting on a show for him.
My hubby doesn't even want me to visit him without him being there with me, my husband is ready to tell my dad off because he knows all the stuff I've done for him especially since my mom's passing and haven't gotten any appreciation for it just degraded.
I did find 3 things today that made me smile as someone suggested, when I'm this bad I can't even cook so hubby bought a roasted chicken but I split it up (which made me feel useful) and put some green beans on and baked a few potatoes (microwave).
Second one was I saw the most beautiful cardinal in the tree's as I was sitting on the recliner with a hot compress he was huge and maybe god put him there for me to see cause he knows I love nature and then the third was watching QVC and all the garden shows they had one as everyone knows I love my garden of love that hubby made for me and it was nice to just see pretty flowers.
I want you to know that I sat here and read every word that everyone wrote and it brought tears to my eyes, thanks for caring!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I just read a few of your blogs and I just want to tell you I'm sorry you are in so much pain all the time! I have had my time where you are and now live in a much Moe manageable bit of it. Keep fighting, don't accept it, try different therapy and meds u til you find what works. Life is to be enjoyed not just endured. I hope you find peice and relief soon!
    1818 days ago
    I went back to read this to understand your pain and Dad! I am so sorry! You do have a load! You are doing good things with eating and with gratitude! Your three things were lovely! I, too, like to watch QVC garden shows even though I can not get out for that, nor can my DH. My husband has severe psoriasis, psoriatic arthritis, asthma and now black out/ seizures which they have not been able to figure out! I had to go on medical leave and now disability as I had breathing issues and both my knees need replaced. I can only walk short distances in the house with a cane and outside with a wheel chair. We are waiting for my husband's disability and living off savings! I have to drive as he is not allowed with seizures and he has to help me once there! He is not himself and it is so frustrating! Take care of yourself, continue to see good things, and just a suggestion, have you tried aspercream? It helps me greatly and is even in a roll on! Hugs! emoticon
    1819 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/25/2013 12:44:01 AM
  • MARYBETH4884
    Appreciating the small thing in life can help get us through the tough times. Be thankful for your wonderful hubby and great son. Maybe he needs to gentle tell your dad to "back off". You have enough on your plate right now! Prayers and hugs!!
    1823 days ago
    emoticon you are in my thoughts and prayers. Just take it one day at a time. I pray that God will wipe away all the tears from your eyes and take away all the pain. I claim healing and deliverance in the name of Jesus. KEEP STRONG! emoticon
    1823 days ago
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