For all of five minutes while watching The Biggest Loser with my husband I thought, I could do that, let me do that! I daydreamed of this perfect body and a quarter of a million dollars to buy a house ... and then I thought, if I can't motivate myself to really start my weight loss program at home how the hell would I be able to find motivations there? Getting yelled at by some skinny loudmouth? That would just make me angry, just make me want to punch something. Yea, I respond surprisingly well to anger but STILL, that lady is rather scary. Then there is the commitment to 5mo of filming. Ok. Yea, 5 months without my kids? NOT happening.

So why am I not doing more here, at home? Why do I keep making escuses and pushing it off and pushing it off? I don't need a perfect plan, a perfect house full of perfect food. I need to get off my fat lardy white arse and DO SOMETHING.

I think I am afraid of change. I think somewhere inside of me I am AFRAID of being thin. Why? Why am I afraid of being something new? I deserve new. I deserve better. And I keep telling myself that and I keep reaching for a box of thinmints and a cigarette. I am discouraged. God help me, I need to change!