Discovering myself oh what a process and it will never end I’m sure!
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
So 19 and half months ago on July 1, 2011 I went to my first therapy session for my binge eating disorder I opened the closet that held my dark secrets from my childhood that I knew had led me to my disorder and my unhealthy eating plan being obese and wanting so badly to get to my goal but stalling after 40# lost I really struggled I knew I had to do this. So I opened that closet door and man did the skeletons come out. I wanted change I knew I needed to heal my wounds from at that point 34.5 years of self hate, guilt, blame and shame. In these 19.5 months I have learned so much about my strength, self-worth, love, endurance, courage, joy, intelligence, bravery and so much more. I found out that shame, blame and guilt I carried was not for me to own but was my father’s to own. I wasn’t responsible for the pain he caused me as I was a child and I wasn’t at fault that my younger siblings who lived with their mother and my father; in my head I thought they resented me for getting to go home. I carried so much of that all those years and no matter what they could have said back then I never believed it inside. It took someone to make me do homework each time I met with her to make me see I wasn’t the monster I had portrayed myself to be and slowly my walk started to come down and I COULD SEE!! I COULD FEEL!!! Some was painful some are tears of happiness but to me learning the simple act of letting go was crucial call it the aha moment in so many ways for me.
The simple act of watching one person taking a rock and holding it in their hand showing me that if I opened it up and stop trying to control it and simply let it go when I had no control or smothered it was not the act of quitting but of letting it fall into place WOW what a concept… turning your palm to the ground and letting the rock drop now that was QUITTING… it was a visual that I use daily since January when I saw that – that was the biggest change up for me I was already taking it in but I lacked patience with myself and a little extra compassion. I wanted it all to fall into place now soon not wait little did I know that it was building up. It slapped me in the face faster then I knew.
I found myself fighting with my body gaining water weight going from 273 back up to 290 how can that be I basically maintained and lost what I had lost by December but I forgot what November & December brought on to me and I still had to work out kinks and realize it would still bother me and it would be less painful but would be a time I would have to learn to be patient and kind and gentle with my child within. I got threw it reminded myself of all my accomplishments during this year. My family friends and therapist kept me grounded and reminded me of the same. I wrote it out: Completed a half marathon even when after a surgery on both my feet was told that it would never happen I did it – completed it in 4hrs 20 mins pace: 19:55 a mile. I am actually now walk jogging and am up to 2 miles and will do my first 5k jog in April. Exercise hatred is a thing of the past I know by doing I am being good to my body; binging I went 397 days yes I had a break but I recovered and am now at 107 days again…. I learned I had a voice and started to share my journey with others. I learned to the simple act of loving myself I know I sound like a broken record but it is true when you learn to love yourself there is so much more that comes with it confidence courage and the fear leaves you are willing to do so much more for yourself. Standing up for one self! No longer must I keep quiet I can speak – that was big learning I had the voice and to use it to empower others as well as myself. No longer do I think why would they want to hear my journey it is now why not… no longer to I question someone when they say I inspire them – I say thanks and in my head again why not???
Well earlier this month I went to my new doctor they ran test and things came back my blood pressure was high; my blood sugars were a little above normal but nothing that could be resolved and since I had gallbladder issues I was already on the low fat diet. Now I had to put all 3 together low fat, low carb and low sodium… Scary thought for someone who was afraid of feeling food deprived since that was part of my childhood history (food being deprived). Funny I have been at this for four weeks and not once have I felt it. I choose my foods wisely, plan things out.
So for the past 4 weeks I have been losing and it’s a total of 5.5 I’m excited and have had no feelings of deprivation. So my journey has been long but I have always have the attitude of never giving up but I finally feel like it’s all come together and I can continue on and keep up on it. Here I come ready and out of the box roaring!