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Confessions of a narcissist

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I love looking at myself in the mirror.

I love taking pictures of myself. I love photoshoots and I can spend hours playing with the pictures in a photo editing program to make 'em look better (read: the lighting, colors and effects... I very rarely touch the elements of the photos themselves). The screensaver of my computer is pictures of myself going on and on. Okay, not only myself, most of the time I'm with other people or I'm not even in the pic. BUT.

I haven't always liked the way I look. In fact it's very recent. And it was such a sudden change that every day when I look at myself and like what I see, I am amazed.

Obviously when I was younger I hated the way I look. I thought I was fat and then I became fat for real. I remember my problems started when I changed schools at age 11. I was very popular at my old school and everybody knew and liked me. I had so many friends and was never bored. Teachers loved me. Etc. I wasn't even conscious of that, it came a while later.

But then I changed schools because I subscribed to an English program and was accepted. It was a week of English and a week of general schooling in French. I knew NOBODY except my best friend. I also remember shopping for clothes like every year - my mom would buy clothes for us only twice a year: in June and in August - and thinking I wanted to look the coolest, the most beautiful, the most awesome. I was 11 after all.

Then it was my first day and for some reason I noticed how different I was. I wasn't teased a lot - and nobody even mentioned my weight or looks until Spring - but I felt like I was being put apart. All the girls were so tiny, so slim, so pretty. I always wore my hair down, never brushed it and wore no makeup. They had complicated hairstyles and mascara. Ugh.

Then it was high school and I became used to being put apart so I just put myself apart, on myself. I had a few friends and didn't mix well with the others. Then I gained a lot of weight in the Summer and started REALLY feeling the difference between me and the other girls, the slim ones. I had to buy bigger clothes in the stores, I couldn't wear just any bra and I thought my hips were so overly large. And as time flew by it became worse and worse.

Depression settled in for many reasons, I dropped college and I gained more weight. I hated being in pictures, I hated looking at myself in the mirror. I hated sitting down because all I'd see was my gut going over my pants. I hated taking baths for the same reason. I hated being on top for sex, I hated shopping for clothes - the worst was when I was with my friends, all slimmer than me - and I hated pretty much everything related to my image.

Then I dropped weight and began to see the real me in the mirror. The one that was hiding behind all these pounds, just waiting to be uncovered. I lost something like 25 pounds over the Summer and when I came back to school in August, everyone was amazed. Not only by the weight loss, but by the confidence emanating from me. I was shining.

Then it was status quo, but I never came back to my old, self-loathing self. I'd finally accepted myself after about 7-8 years of struggling. Then I dropped more weight and I started loving myself.

I've never been a fan of self-appreciation books, or conferences where you learn to love who you are. It's just natural to me. And I realize how lucky I am to love myself.

Except this morning something wrong happened.

I got dressed, put my makeup on and looked at myself in the mirror, satisfied. I wore my hair in a ponytail because I haven't done that in a really long while, and I was really pleased with how long my hair is now. I actually feel the tip of my ponytail on my neck! I think I looked good then I turned around and saw my back. AND THE BACK FAT.

A lot of girls in high school used to wear bras way too small for them and it would make their back look really fat. I remember I was one of the few intelligent ones who actually wore a bra her size and my back was just flat. You couldn't even tell I was wearing a bra. No straps showing, no bumps, nothing. But then I gained weight and well even though you wear your size... you can't avoid the effects of fat. But I'd lost most of this back fat last year. And now it looks like it's back.

When I saw it - the bumps, the fat rolls, the marks, the obviousness of my bra - I felt really, REALLY bad. I even considered changing clothes so I'd wear something baggy and it wouldn't show. But then I thought to myself, "hey, shut up. That's you. Who cares about your back fat other than you. Just lose it and be done with it like you did last year. It's no big deal."

So I'm glad I can actually just shake off the bad thoughts and realize how stupid they are. It's true - who cares about my back fat other than me? I shouldn't even think about it. It's just fat. It's going to slowly go away as I eat better and train more. So THERE, BACK FAT. BEGONE IN A HEALTHY WAY.

(Wow, this was a long post only for that. XD)

In other news, I got some strenght training done yesterday morning and I'm soooore today! Still training again tonight though! Following my program and giving myself a hundred percent. I have to, because it's been snowing for two days now and I just can't go outside. My boots are out of order and I don't want to aggravate my cold. SO IT'S GONNA BE INSIDE. I also used my sister's punching bag on-and-off for a total of maybe 5 minutes. It was incredibly satisfying. But she saw I was using it and 5 minutes after that I saw an ad on her Facebook because she's selling it. WTF. Well it's true that when you buy something and don't use it in 2 years it's pretty useless... well.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am so glad , you are confudent , this comes in all weigts. even in my lowest weighte i used to feel slf conscious and insecured somethimes.
    You are doing great. Summer is amlost here lets give it 100% emoticon
    1824 days ago
    Glad you were able to shake that off. High School just sucks period. All through school I felt fat, and now that I look at those pics I would do anything to be that girl again. I wasn't fat, it was just the insecurities of a girl who nothing about life and what really mattered.
    1825 days ago
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