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It’s about a lot more then pounds.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I just finished reading a short article written by a woman who’s lost 180lbs and still isn’t happy. She had thought, like many do, that as soon as she lost the weight her life would open up like a fairytale book and she’d be blissfully happy. But she’s not.

It’s the same thing, I’ve known for a long time and have just started working on myself; I’m not unhappy because I’m fat, I’m fat because I’m unhappy. I have mistreated my body and myself as a way of dealing with the emotions I didn’t have the courage or understanding to deal with.

About a year ago, I reached a wall; I was totally, completely, utterly, and miserably unhappy. I had an abusive boss, I hated my job, I hated my body, I had no friends; I was depressed, bitter, angry, and I realized that none of that was going to change until I did something drastic to change it. So I took advantage of my health insurance and I enrolled myself in therapy.

I began to talk about things, like my alcoholic father, my enabling/ depressed mother, my lonely isolated childhood. These were things I had never thought were issues before. I had always felt like, Yeah so what, my dad got drunk and liked to scream at me; meanwhile, my mother stayed in the kitchen ignoring it all. When I was 13 he stopped drinking and everything was fine. I got over it and moved on. But when I started talking about those things, out loud and to another person, I realized how deep, raw, and powerful those emotions were and how well I was hiding them, even from myself. But even as I hide/ ignored them, they were controlling my entire life.

I realized that I felt guilty and ashamed. I had felt like, if I hadn’t been such a terrible child he wouldn’t have been so hurt and angry. And it was that shame and guilt that was making me feel like a worthless person.

Over this past year, I’ve had to realize that all the diets, meal plan’s, exercise routines in the world aren’t going to help until I come to terms with these emotions. Only then can I change how I feel, how I look, and how I live my life.

And as I come to terms with them, I feel, lighter (figuratively) and happier and I like myself more and I want to do more things to make myself happy. It's a kind of snowball, that I want to keep rolling.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • ATTACKFATCAT
    This is so, so true. Every time I've really stacked on the weight in my life was when I was going through a difficult time. And it turns into a vicious cycle...you eat because you're unhappy, you get depressed over the weight you've gained, you get unhappier, you eat more, etc. It wasn't until I started digging into why I felt so insecure about myself and why I was depressed all the time that I was able to start making a lasting change. It required digging up a lot of emotions from childhood and my marriages I did not want to deal with. Once I started really processing those and realizing I am worth something, then I was ready to focus on losing weight for my health, not just to make me happier.
    1464 days ago
  • FIREFLY_MEDIC
    :)
    1465 days ago
  • DEE1221
    You sound strong! Your therapy must be working for you. I am so glad. You are beautiful inside and out!!

    Your statement, "I’m not unhappy because I’m fat, I’m fat because I’m unhappy" is so very true. Many of us can say the same thing.

    We will get to where we are going. We have to!! Keep up the good work.

    1466 days ago
  • HFAYE81
    Me too. All of that, me too. The situations were different but the raw feelings are the same. I am overweight because I was so unhappy with myself and everything that I punished myself with food and alcohol and general neglect. I am so glad to have found this website, I am so glad to connect with people who understand how I feel because they are in, or have been in, the same place. emoticon emoticon
    1466 days ago
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