Wednesday, March 20, 2013
I just finished reading a short article written by a woman whoís lost 180lbs and still isnít happy. She had thought, like many do, that as soon as she lost the weight her life would open up like a fairytale book and sheíd be blissfully happy. But sheís not.
Itís the same thing, Iíve known for a long time and have just started working on myself; Iím not unhappy because Iím fat, Iím fat because Iím unhappy. I have mistreated my body and myself as a way of dealing with the emotions I didnít have the courage or understanding to deal with.
About a year ago, I reached a wall; I was totally, completely, utterly, and miserably unhappy. I had an abusive boss, I hated my job, I hated my body, I had no friends; I was depressed, bitter, angry, and I realized that none of that was going to change until I did something drastic to change it. So I took advantage of my health insurance and I enrolled myself in therapy.
I began to talk about things, like my alcoholic father, my enabling/ depressed mother, my lonely isolated childhood. These were things I had never thought were issues before. I had always felt like, Yeah so what, my dad got drunk and liked to scream at me; meanwhile, my mother stayed in the kitchen ignoring it all. When I was 13 he stopped drinking and everything was fine. I got over it and moved on. But when I started talking about those things, out loud and to another person, I realized how deep, raw, and powerful those emotions were and how well I was hiding them, even from myself. But even as I hide/ ignored them, they were controlling my entire life.
I realized that I felt guilty and ashamed. I had felt like, if I hadnít been such a terrible child he wouldnít have been so hurt and angry. And it was that shame and guilt that was making me feel like a worthless person.
Over this past year, Iíve had to realize that all the diets, meal planís, exercise routines in the world arenít going to help until I come to terms with these emotions. Only then can I change how I feel, how I look, and how I live my life.
And as I come to terms with them, I feel, lighter (figuratively) and happier and I like myself more and I want to do more things to make myself happy. It's a kind of snowball, that I want to keep rolling.