Wednesday, March 20, 2013
I haven't slept much the last 12 hours. I did not go to bed until after midnight and then I was up every couple of hours or less. I've been using a CPAP to try to sleep better but I was really aware of it last night. My hands kept falling asleep. My chest feels tight - I know it's tension/anxiety. There's nothing to be that anxious about. I know my depression symptoms are not under control and that is probably what I'm feeling, but I am tired of feeling nothing inside and having no sex life because I'm never in the mood.
I've been low-carb for two days, but not perfect. Okay, I need to get over the perfection crap because that is just going to make the anxiety worse.
I'm retaining water in my hands and feet. I'm sure that's not helping me sleep or feel normal. Just walking my son to his preschool class yesterday hurt my chest and made me tired. I may have to go to the doctor but I don't think there's anything really "wrong" with me physically. I think it is tension and anxiety manifesting itself in physical symptoms. Even just sitting at the computer I can feel how tight my body gets, especially my chest and back. Grr.
So, I'm going to get my kids up for school and try to lie down for a little while. The tension in my body is debilitating and it's pissing me off. I want to feel GOOD. I am not unhappy with my life or worried about big things. It's as though little worries and things are weighing me down and making me TENSE all day and all night, even though I'm not actively thinking about those things. It's as though my sub-conscious is going 1000 miles an hour and aggrandizing everything. I keep praying for help and strength. The depression meds make me feel empty of communion with God, though. It's frustrating.
Crossing my fingers for an hour or two of sleep before the day really begins...