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    FENWAYGIRL18    
 
 
feeling helpless, hopeless, depressed

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

My husband won some money on a lottery ticket and split it with me (wasn't much , but he told me to buy something for myself).
This has been such a tough winter for me , I was doing so good and then my dad had respiratory failure and then the weather just really put me in a dark place with pain.
I wanted to lose more weight before my son's Confirmation coming up in April, I wanted him to be so proud of me and go down a few sizes but life got in the way. All the stress from my dad and the debilitating pain has just put me into a very low place.
I was looking at clothes the other day and although I've pretty much stayed the same, because I have been in so much pain I haven't been exercising like I was before winter, I'm trying but I just don't feel as tone as I did and looking at clothes is just depressing for me.
My husband asked me to try on a few tops , but honestly I just didn't feel like it as I knew it wouldn't fit me right and I just don't feel worthy right now of new clothes or anything good.
I feel like I'm in a depression, I've stopped seeing the therapist because she wasn't giving me the tools to help myself. I felt like I was paying a friend to just listen to my problems with no advice coming back and her just looking at her watch for the next person to come in and take money from. My husband kept telling her you have to do more then listen , you have to help her to help herself when she's dealing with stress , but I don't know she just didn't get it.
I know if it wasn't for my husband and son I'd never be putting up with this pain, sounds pathetic , but it's true.
My husband tells me I'm beautiful all the time , but I just feel like such a disappointment to him , my son and myself. I blame myself for the debt we're in because I got sick and I find myself crying a lot. Everyday seems like a struggle, when I hear of bad weather coming my way it's like someone is just knocking me down because I know the amount of pain I'm going to be dealing with and it's getting so old.
My husband said why don't you want to try anything on? I said I just don't feel worthy of anything, even love... he just came to me and gave me a hug in the store and said don't you say that, but it's true.
My dad has really done a tune on me these past months, I feel like I've been made a fool out of , I'm so easy to use because I have such a big heart , but no one really cares about me except my hubby and son. The way my dad talks down to me in front of people and he seems to expect so much from me and I just can't do it anymore I'm sick myself, but he doesn't seem to get it or maybe he just doesn't care.
When I got sick I lost all my friends and family, it felt like I died and everyone went away and someone forget to tell me to get in the coffin. They all just abandoned me ( except hubby and son) , I feel like I'm just existing now.
I went out with my aunt the other day a 75 yr old woman , we had a nice time but I have no friends that I can go out with because once I got sick well they vanished. Even the time I went out with my aunt I paid heavily for in pain the next day, I guess I over did it.
Every year just seems to be getting worse and worse for me pain wise, I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take, my husband tells me I'm strong as I've been dealing with this for about 14 yrs now, but as I'm sitting here crying like a baby I'm not feeling very strong.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TKLBRIDGET 3/20/2013 6:19PM

    wow look at all these kind responses, this shows a lot of people do care about you. I think you really need to find a better therapist that you can talk with, as many others here have suggested. I'm so glad you have a supportive husband and son, they sound very wonderful. They both see how beautiful you are, even if sometimes it is hard for you to see it yourself. Let your husband and son comfort/pamper you, you deserve it. And try to let your dad's unkind comments go in one ear and out the other, although I know it is hard.
Can't your doctor give you something better to help control your pain? How about warm or cold compresses, massage or stretching exercises? I send you my best thoughts and warm wishes that you feel better soon.
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BAHAMIANJENNI 3/20/2013 3:21PM

    THANK YOU for posting, and sharing and reaching out.

Guess what. You are beautiful. You are loved. You matter, a lot. You are special. And in your most painful, alone moments remember that you are not alone for your SparkFamily and friends are here with you, routing for you, believing in you.

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Comment edited on: 3/20/2013 3:22:46 PM

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GLITTERFAIRY77 3/20/2013 11:59AM

  I am sooo very sorry you're going through this. I know you cannot physically exercise right now, but you can still track your food. You may want to reset your goals to accommodate eating without exercise in a way that will still promote healthy weight loss.
I also agree with continuing therapy, but also, look for healing in nutrition.
St. John's Wart-natural antidepressant
Niacin-natural antidepressant (which you can get in the form of a supplement or in raw cashews (the RAW part is extremely important) provided you do not have a nut allergy)
Omega 3 and Omega 6 fatty acids-which can be found in nutritive seeds, like hulled hemp seeds, chia seeds, flax seeds, raw pumpkin seeds

Do some research on how you can combat pain and depression with the foods you eat. I know you can do this, and I know you can get through this. Your family loves you-including your sparkfamily.
*gentle hug*

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GRACIE4ONE 3/20/2013 11:43AM

    We're your friends! Just come here and talk to us anytime u need to. You are so loved, look at all these wonderful responses. Take care, Doll!

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ARCHIMEDESII 3/20/2013 11:30AM

    I know you've been feeling really overwhelmed these last few months. Not only have you been coping with the death of your mother, but you've had to deal with your father's illnesses as well as your own. Your hubby is right. You are a strong woman for having to deal with all that.

My opinion ? You really do need to treat yourself. You've spent months taking care of everyone else, now it's time to take care of yourself.

If you don't want to buy some new clothes with that lottery money, then how about a new hairstyle ? Go to your favorite salon and get your hair done. If you don't want to do that, get a manicure. How about a massage ? That's something everyone could use now and then. A massage would certainly help you relax and unwind.

It's okay to pamper yourself. You are beloved by your hubby and son !! And you'll make new friends who are worthy of your affection.



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CHANTENAY 3/20/2013 11:03AM

    There are things you said that I can relate to. Right now, I don't feel like shopping either. I just don't feel like it, and that's okay because I don't need anything right now. That I am thankful for, to have what I need and not need anything else. But when the weather changes I might find there are things I could use.

Our weather stinks too. GMA said it's called Greenland Block. It's 20 degrees below normal this week. Last year, it was 40 degrees above normal at this time. I have a mind to jump on my bike to see what will happen even though I will be riding into the wind. Which brings me to...

I had fibromylagia really bad about 15 years ago. It was due to interpersonal issues like you have. After that subsided, or at least blew over, I got better. But I'll never be completely normal. Nothing helped except rest. I used to say my muscles were "locked." That's exactly how it felt. The only thing I could do was lay in bed. The fact that I am better, I hope, will give you hope that things may improve for you too. Even though it's been a long time. I found that Zyflamend helps some, and its ingredients are sources of antioxidants too, so you get a 1-2 punch. Massage helped, especially hot stone. I decided to put my money into physical type therapy approaches because...

Like you, our family's experience is that counselors don't help that much. They only said things that I already knew or sent us on a wrong track. Sometimes I wonder how they stay in practice. That's some job to have job security whether you're good or not. After all, how does anyone know why they didn't get better - maybe it's their own fault. Well, I'll tell you, good therapists with credentials and truly dedicated to helping people got things fixed lickety split. It doesn't take rocket science but it does take logic, a good education, intelligence, and true concern for others. Ask around for personal experiences with various counselors. I had to find out the hard, expensive way.

And make sure you refrain from beating yourself up. It's not your fault, but you can build yourself stronger. I recommend stretching videos. They will work you out and burn a few calories, yet fibro people have tight muscles that bring on the pain. Muscles can cause an enormous amount of pain, and stretching will alleviate amd prevent it. Plus it feels like pampering. Did you ever think about visiting a spa instead of buying clothes? Like Pinkhope said, little by little will do a lot for you.

LIke the other commentors point out, there are various avenues to try. Ignore your dad and let him be what he is. He was like that before you were born; at least the seeds of it were there. He's probably a result of HIS dad. A gratitude journal is excellent. From what I have seen about you, little things do not go unnoticed by you. You like beauty and it can be found in all kinds of weather. I'll bet you hear birds outside in your yard. Winter birds sound just as wonderful as summer birds. It's great how they do their thing no matter what happens.

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UWPALUM 3/20/2013 9:45AM

    I know how it feels to be depressed and overwhelmed with pain or lack of options. I still struggle with it each day, but it has taken me years to get to the point where I feel like I'm battling back and accepting the pain may always be here. I would definitely recommend a gratitude journal. It can be hard to get started, but writing three things each day that I was grateful for helped me to seek out more of those things on a daily basis. It also helped to clarify for me what was important in my life.

I also would encourage you to try counseling again. I have had good therapists and not so good therapists. I finally realized that it was the type of counseling that each one specialized in that mattered, not that the counselor was bad. Each therapist should list on a website or if you call the office what kind of counseling they specialize in and where they studied. I would look up your old therapist and make sure that you don't go to someone else who might practice the same way. It made a huge difference for me when I finally found the right process.

Good luck and you are certainly blessed to have the support of your husband and son around you!

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HEALTHY4ME 3/20/2013 7:05AM

    First off you are worthy of love, lots of it. and ssecond the friends that abandoned you are not true friends. HUGS HUGS and I would be your friend, we could walk around the flowers and sit when we had to. OMG I wish I could garden, that is my goal this summer, we can't afford to put in raised beds, but may try to make 2 out of pallets to make a aveggie garden in back. The rest I will have to clean up slowlly and put in hostas daylilys things that don't need help.
HUGS and do take care.
Can I also suggest one thing, I have been depressed and said things like you are to my hubby, he said you know that you saying you may as well die etc. just makes me feel as if I am useless and not worth enough to you, I try but I can't take your pain away but that doestn mean I dont love you and want you. So don't hold in your feelings but do find another therapist perhaps one that deals with chronic pain, and also let your hubby and son love you.
As for your dad, this may be hard... but as I hve said we have similar dads. I have no brothers or sisters so it is all me, sometimes it may be easier that way sometimes not. Anyway I am going to suggest a super hard thing.... tell him once you have hurt me, I have tried my hardest with little things like sandwiches, soups, and big things like power of attorney or whatever, none is right,none is good enough. I hve enough pain in my life with my body, that I don't need my heart stamped and crushed, so for now till the weather is better, and I am able, you will have to rely on my brothers. I know that would be hard,and he will try to use you, but you are not doing anyone any favors this way. Your dad, brothers esp know they can get you to do whatever, you will come running. not fair to you or your family. Your dad is just being a crotchety old man, I watched a friend who did all this with her mum, and she eventually lost her hubby cos he wasnt willing after while to do all for mum,and none for them, and listen to him berate her. She learned too late, that she had to separate from her mum, was just too toxic for her. Her mum is now ill, and her sister calls what can I do... Janice says I don't know cos noone wanted my help before, figure it out. I was like OMG you said that, she said you know it doesnt hurt anymore, my family is my kids and friends. I don't let that woman ruin my life anymore.
Luckiy my dad isn't that bad, he gets grouchy but not like yours yet, but I will tell you the day he has to go in a nursing home will be pure hell on earth . My dd will be furious with me, and dad well unless he doesnt realize will be even worse. but if he can't be taken care of properly at home with care ( not me as my dr wont elt me do it as a job or for dad) then he will have to go where he can get care. I hyave heard since I was 14 we will never be put in a home... so I pray for dad that he passes before that time.
HUGS and please search out a therapist that helps with chronic pain and do try to love yourself and know you are worthy. and really think about doing for you, and your family and not your dad for while.

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TAMWIL2 3/20/2013 12:06AM

    I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Sounds like you have great support from your husband and son and that's a wonderful thing when you feel so bad. I would never want to make excuses for others but, perhaps they don't know what to do to help you.

I would absolutely recommend seeing a new therapist. It's your money and, if you feel the one you have isn't doing the job, switch to someone who will. While it isn't always the therapist's job to tell you what to do, they should be able to help you come up with some solutions that work for you. May I suggest that you make a list of things to be thankful for? Read and/or write one every day and it will force you to see the positives in your life instead of the negatives. (Sounds like husband and son will be at the top of the list.) Even putting things like "sun was shining for a few minutes" is better than seeing the clouds all day. (And rainy days mean you don't have to water the lawn.) Look for the silver linings and eventually it will become a habit to seek positive things in otherwise bleak circumstances.

I hope you begin to feel better. Daily pain is exhausting but you can do it!
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PINKHOPE 3/19/2013 11:52PM

    I understand your story. I too have fibro, R.A. (from Lyme Disease from a tick bite in 1999). I've had double knee implants, a rebuilt shoulder, etc. I also felt the judgement of others though I had a loving supportive hubby and son. Take heart. I was over 350 pounds and am down 100 pounds now. It didn't happen overnight and I had my bumps in the road but you can do this.

Try this. Try making one change for a week. Maybe it's to give up soda or candy. Maybe it's to give up chips and fries. Don't try to tackle the whole thing at once. Make one change and then when you have that tackled add another.

Try to move - I know it's hard. I began by walking around my kitchen island. Just try to do something every day.

Hang in there. Take it ONE day at a time but just don't give up. The destination is not optional!

Press On!

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