Tuesday, March 19, 2013
My husband won some money on a lottery ticket and split it with me (wasn't much , but he told me to buy something for myself).
This has been such a tough winter for me , I was doing so good and then my dad had respiratory failure and then the weather just really put me in a dark place with pain.
I wanted to lose more weight before my son's Confirmation coming up in April, I wanted him to be so proud of me and go down a few sizes but life got in the way. All the stress from my dad and the debilitating pain has just put me into a very low place.
I was looking at clothes the other day and although I've pretty much stayed the same, because I have been in so much pain I haven't been exercising like I was before winter, I'm trying but I just don't feel as tone as I did and looking at clothes is just depressing for me.
My husband asked me to try on a few tops , but honestly I just didn't feel like it as I knew it wouldn't fit me right and I just don't feel worthy right now of new clothes or anything good.
I feel like I'm in a depression, I've stopped seeing the therapist because she wasn't giving me the tools to help myself. I felt like I was paying a friend to just listen to my problems with no advice coming back and her just looking at her watch for the next person to come in and take money from. My husband kept telling her you have to do more then listen , you have to help her to help herself when she's dealing with stress , but I don't know she just didn't get it.
I know if it wasn't for my husband and son I'd never be putting up with this pain, sounds pathetic , but it's true.
My husband tells me I'm beautiful all the time , but I just feel like such a disappointment to him , my son and myself. I blame myself for the debt we're in because I got sick and I find myself crying a lot. Everyday seems like a struggle, when I hear of bad weather coming my way it's like someone is just knocking me down because I know the amount of pain I'm going to be dealing with and it's getting so old.
My husband said why don't you want to try anything on? I said I just don't feel worthy of anything, even love... he just came to me and gave me a hug in the store and said don't you say that, but it's true.
My dad has really done a tune on me these past months, I feel like I've been made a fool out of , I'm so easy to use because I have such a big heart , but no one really cares about me except my hubby and son. The way my dad talks down to me in front of people and he seems to expect so much from me and I just can't do it anymore I'm sick myself, but he doesn't seem to get it or maybe he just doesn't care.
When I got sick I lost all my friends and family, it felt like I died and everyone went away and someone forget to tell me to get in the coffin. They all just abandoned me ( except hubby and son) , I feel like I'm just existing now.
I went out with my aunt the other day a 75 yr old woman , we had a nice time but I have no friends that I can go out with because once I got sick well they vanished. Even the time I went out with my aunt I paid heavily for in pain the next day, I guess I over did it.
Every year just seems to be getting worse and worse for me pain wise, I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take, my husband tells me I'm strong as I've been dealing with this for about 14 yrs now, but as I'm sitting here crying like a baby I'm not feeling very strong.