Tuesday, March 19, 2013
I've been fat since birth. I have never been thin or even normal weight. I was always being told "lose weight" but I had no idea how. People around me were not sure either because they were fat and had unhealthy habits too! I think that's what helped my weight climb to 394. I was never good enough at 20 lbs overweight. I was not good enough at 40 or 60 or 80 pounds overweight.... Not to say I tried the best I could to lose weight as best as I knew how. At one point I developed bulimia because I saw results. Losing weight is ingrained in my psyche. Fast forward to Sparkpeople. I learned to make small changes. It worked, I started losing, OMG why didn't anyone teach me this stuff or even why didn't I find it earlier? I'd be the "Barbie" my mom always wanted me to be.
I learned that tracking my calories and losing 10% of my body weight was the healthy way to achieve my goal. In retrospect knowing I had to lose 227 pounds just to get to the overweight category was extremely overwhelming. It was something that was so far away that could not even fathom reaching. I'm so excited now when I reach my minor goals. Today my stagnant weight loss broke and I reached 360! SAY WHAT!! My minor goal was 361 and I passed it! Yay! Next up: 353.
I think that my perfectionism is slowed me down. I think part of losing weight is to work on my psychological approach to food and the way I see myself. In my mind if I eat more than 1200 calories I will keep raising my calorie count until I start gaining weight. Eating 1200 calories is "safe." My OCD tells me its the only way or else all the cards I've stacked so far will collapse and my life will end, because I'm fat I will die in 5 years like those judgmental doctors told me umpteen years ago. Seriously this is what goes on in my head.
It doesn't need to be this hard, but I make it that way many times a day. I tried the advice I got from LYNNWILK2 and indulged on my favorite healthy snacks. I ate a spoonful peanut butter without measuring lol. I made strawberry almond milk popsicles with cherries and Grape-nuts in it. I ate an extra serving of lentil soup. I didn't do this all at once but the point is that I took the advice to mean relax a bit. I realize I have to conquer my demons if I want to be successful. Losing weight is as much mental as it is numbers on the scale. Thanks for the support Sparkfriends.