Trying to journal this out...
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Today is just one of those days. It's not even 11am. I'm not in a great mood, and feel fatigued and a little depressed so it's a hard fight every moment right now to not give in, go back to my apartment (sadly I have this option today since today is not a day I work) and isolate, hiding under my covers and eating and sleeping for comfort. It sounds so good and tempting to do, but I know I'll just feel even worse if I allow that.
Anyway, warning, this is probably going to be kind of a depressing entry. I think I just need to try and process how I'm feeling.
I already overate a lot today. Not a frantic binge, but just constant, mindless eating, hoping to feel better. What makes me roll my eyes at how ridiculous the brain can be is that when I first started eating, I felt nauseous. I'm not really sure why since it was breakfast, but I felt hungry and nauseous at the same time. I basically ate compulsively, ignoring the feeling of nausea to try and get rid of the hungry feeling, which I'm not entirely sure was physical anyway. Brains are strange things when they get messed up...
So my mind is thinking of all the negative things that happened so far...I woke up to my alarm, was feeling too depressed to go and run so decided to sleep in instead. When I woke up again I still wasn't feeling rested, and I didn't want to go anywhere. However, I have to hold office hours 9:30-11:30 so I got out for that, after the breakfast nausea incident. I bought a bunch of food from the coffee cart on campus then came back to my office and ate it, though it was definitely not out of physical hunger in any way. This was totally eating because I was/am kind of sad and depressed feeling, and I didn't have the willpower to resist the urge to do it...
Ok, so having said all that I guess what I can try to do is to force myself to think more positively when everything seems tainted with negative right now. "Fake it til you make it". At least I will feel like I'm trying to fight it.
+ I got new pedals from my bike, and they are installed now. I couldn't get one of my old pedals off due to it being on there so tight, but I asked a guy at the campus bike shop this morning and he was able to loosen it up for me so I could switch it out for the new one. So now I have pedals which are normal on one side, and clip-in on the other!
+ No one has come to office hours, so I've been able to take care of a lot of little things that needed to get done, like answering e-mails, scheduling appointments, even catching up on my "therapy homework" and checking in here.
+ "I'm really worried about this Saturday, where my two friends and I are supposed to do a long day hike. I'm too fat and too out of shape to hike right now. It's stupid to expect to go from jogging 3 miles, which is where I am now, to hiking nearly 9 times that... I want to just tell them to go ahead without me so I don't have to worry about holding people up, or overdoing it with my recent knee/hip issues. I'm frustrated and disgusted with myself because I'm not in shape to do that at this point". Positive: We already discussed that there's no pressure to do the whole hike. We'll just go as far as we can, and just have fun. None of us have really been in top shape recently, as one friend has been resting after a really difficult sled-pulling race in early February, and the other friend has been waiting on knee surgery for quite some time now and can't really run past 6 miles without it bothering her. You know these friends. They waited for you when you were sick from exhaustion climbing out of the desert, and we waited for another when he was having really bad altitude sickness on the ascent of Mt. Whitney, and we've tried to get together to do things with the other friend without aggravating her knee. There's *no* pressure, just go out there and try and have fun and be safe. Don't back out or you know you'll regret it. I'm pretty sure we'll get to summit one of the peaks along the way anyway, even if we don't do the whole hike.
+ Another note to myself: Every day is a new day. Really, every moment is a chance to start over, though admittedly that's harder to convince myself of. Just keep trying; it's all the little steps that count. Remember that black-and-white thinking is distorted. Do the next right thing. Don't give up. Just try to do little changes like you've been doing. Ok, so you majorly overate...well, at least try not to totally give up and binge. Go back to making your goal just to have as many days as possible without bingeing. This is a doable goal. Make your main goal for today not to binge (I've had a bad binge streak recently), and that's it. Don't beat yourself up for overeating...just let that go for now. Start with one thing.