Looking a tad rough but still in the fight :)
I am on the mend after having had numerous set backs from sickness, back problems and other problems since around the end of February. It has been difficult but the end result is that there has been no set back as far as my weight is concern. I have worked out very little and my eating has been less than perfect (interpretation...mindless emotional eating or not tracking at all).
The reason I am including that tidbit is that I want people to know that even if life throws a curveball, it is NOT the end of the world.
I have to admit that I was nervous because although a week of unchecked behavior doesn't create a lasting problem, a month of it is a different story. Yes, I felt anxiety about getting on the scale but I have learned that the fastest way to recover is to face what you fear and find out where you are at ASAP even if you are not going to like what you see.
You have to know where you are at.
To avoid this knowledge is damning to your journey because it is east to slide off into blissful ignorance.
Well I am happy to report that all is well. I had my first successful workout where I had to stop for a minute or two after each circuit to catch my breath. My strength is there but not being able to get the oxygen I need is crippling. However the intensity has improved and my trainer commented on the fact that I am showing alot of improvement.
This whole process has been tough because it really brought my confidence to an all time low. The mental anxiety of the plant closure has taken its toll, the back pain has left me wondering where I am at physically and what can I do without hurting myself again and the illness left me unable to function above light exertion.
Its amazing what form can do for you. It makes the difference between using an 80lb kettlebell with ease or throwing your back out shoveling snow.
Anyway, I am optimistic. I am leaving the future where it belongs. In the future. For right now, the task at hand is to get ready for my triathlon, my dream of 70.3 miles successfully completed and make my ACE certification a reality. Most importantly, I am starting to feel some of my fire coming back and I am ready to come out swinging.
It isn't a sin to get knocked to the ground, even to really get clobbered and stay down for a while. Life does that and I had no control over it but it crushing to the spirit nonetheless. My reaction to those setbacks were also less than stellar. I reverted back to some old habits and such but even that isn't a big issue because many of my lifestyle habits did kick in because they are that, habits. To me, that is a victory because in those moments where you are picking your teeth up off the ground after a hard blow is where who you are is revealed.
I have changed for sure and my overall navigation through the dark moments proves it. I am reminded of the words of our National Anthem where through the perilous fight our flag was still there in the morning. After the pounding we took, after the walls were battered, the destruction and fog of war, our flag was still flying. We counted our dead, picked up the pieces, and assessed the damage but after all of that, there was no surrender and our flag still flew.
That is how I feel at this moment. Battered, pounded, and heavily listing to one side but the flag in my heart is still flying after the battle,
I will not stop, will not surrender. Mentally, I am ready to pick up the sword again and fight. The rest of me will come around in time.