Monday, March 18, 2013
For those who have kept up with my statuses and blogs on here, I have been on a weight loss journey since January 2012. For about 9 of those months, I actually had some success. I lost at least 30 pounds and a pants size, a pant size and a half. Since October, I have been struggling with maintaining my weight, let alone lose more.
What made me lose focus at that point, I don't know. It's something I've tried to figure out myself, tried to figure out with the help of the wonderful nutritionist I see. But at this point it is a moot one and I need to move forward.
But that is where I have the problem. I cannot seem to get myself over the hurdle.
It's going to be Spring and Summer soon, two seasons I loathe because of the clothing associated with it. Clothing that is more close fitting. Bathing suits. Shirts where your arms are on display. I am dreading this.
I have a gym pass. I use it, but I know I could make better use of it. I don't make enough time for myself to go for long periods of time or I dilly-dally around in the parking lot before going in, in a way avoiding what I need to accomplish.
I have pretty much stopped logging my food on SparkPeople. This has allowed me to go off and not be accountable for my actions in a way, overeating til my hearts content, a lot of it in secret. I tell myself I can always stop, but I see where that has and continues to lead me.
I haven't blogged let alone posted on a forum in ages. I feel that people have better things to do than read about my feelings (which is untrue because people have responded to friend requests and blogs I have posted and the like). I've also blamed my phone for not working right for not logging my calories and my laptop for being a piece of crap for not blogging or participating in forums. At the same time, I have been able to browse eBay for countless hours and play Words With Friends.
The sad thing is, is that I am too smart for this nonsense. My nutritionist pointed this out many times. She didn't do it to be mean, but to point out that I have so much untapped potential that I am not taking advantage of. This is something I have issues with in other areas of my life, specifically careerwise. I let myself believe that if I cannot do something as simple as keep my body in a healthy state, how can I manage to find a new job, one with benefits and full time status? How can I apply to grad school to get a library science degree, let alone fund it or take online classes? These are obstacles that I allow to stand in my way that I need to remove.
If you read it or skimmed it, thank you for taking the time out to do so. This is something I felt I needed to get off my chest. Any feedback, comments or suggestions are welcomed.