Stepping into the paralyzing panic...
Monday, March 18, 2013
I've gotten away from writing. It's really difficult to find my words most days. That's not me. My panic, anxiety and stress have continued to rise, partly because I'm not taking time to write - express the inner stuff. That's what this blog has always been about - trying to write out what I tend to stuff inside and not express to anyone. There was a time I was open with folks. I went from way to quiet to way too open to way too quiet again. It's just how the path has gone.
For right now, though, in order to keep my brain from exploding (or imploding!), I'm going to take time to write. I need to. For at least the next couple weeks. Some of these I may share through FB, also. Others I may not. If you are a person who is able to be an encourager on this journey, I could use a couple! If not, feel free to read and move along. That part of the choice is yours. I need to write. That's all I know right now.
Of all the issues I deal with, eating is the most difficult and has been for many years. I have struggled with overeating, under-eating, not eating healthy enough, trying to balance our family's allergies with the pre-diabetes while trying to eat organic and also not having the strength most days to cook one meal let alone three. I have been, primarily, gluten and dairy free for three years now. I say primarily because of days like yesterday when I'm so overwhelmed at what we cannot eat that I get to the point I just have to eat. I've waited too long. I'm willing to deal with the consequences of a bad choice since I've not given myself the time to come up with a better choice.
I've been talking about meal planning for years. I've done it several times, yet have not stayed consistent or stable since my health keeps changing as has the suggestions of the health care team - "you'll feel better if you obey your allergies (a list of 21 foods)", "gluten free really isn't helpful", "paleo would really be helpful for you," "Have you read anymore about GAPS?" "Have we tested you for SIBO yet?" "Here's some information on the low-histamine diet. You really need to be following this." This brings us to where we are and why I'm currently trying to step into the paralyzing panic of inertia.
SIBO is small intestine bacterial overgrowth. The test, if I can keep my diet clean for the next two days, will happen Wednesday morning. I've been warned I may get sick just from the test. Great. That's wonderful! Depending on the results, the treatment will be either one or two antibiotics and some pretty strict eating habits.
I put my son on the computer watching a fun show yesterday so I'd have a distraction while making out the list. I wanted to make the list on the computer, of course, but have so many other ways to distract myself when on the computer! Pen and paper was better for the first list. I now have a list of what I need for the next two days in order to have the stupid breath test taken. I have the kit on the desk, and plan to do this Wednesday morning. It involves rather strict food "don'ts" and I have them in my brain now...I think. It does not incorporate the "low-histamine" foods, but right now, I'm taking the first list and running with it. I'll add the histamine part of this in today or tomorrow...or later in the week! Getting through the test so we know what we're dealing with needs to come first. As we get one part of this figured out, perhaps the other portions will get easier.
That's all the time I have to write right now, but I really do need to commit to myself that I will keep writing. It keeps my mind less cluttered. Thanks for reading. I'll post an update on the testing plan later today or tomorrow.