Well no news isn't always good news. But it's not terrible in my case anyway. It's been a very long winter, and I had an even longer February. It's kind of crappy to say, but its basically like I needed to get my sh*t together.
I finally gave in after a month and a half of anxiety, depression and overall crazy feelings and went to see a councilor. A lot of my anxiety stemmed from being unsure about my relationship and where it was going to go. Also I realized I have some personal things to deal with within myself.
After seeing my councilor twice she said she's going to suggest I start some medication for anxiety and depression. Tonight I go to my doctor to see what he can help me with. Some of the things I talked with my councilor about were deep! First off, I am having a difficult time coming to terms with who I am emotionally after losing a lot of weight- there was a lot of things that I never dealt with, faced or experienced because I was so closed off. Now that I can start to see a future for myself (and with someone else) I am faced with a lot of questions and feelings that I never even touched on before.
I never thought love would be a part of my life, I just never imagined myself in a relationship or with anyone later in life. And maybe deep down (like really deep down to the point of me being skeptical of it) I never thought I deserved love, or was worthy of anothers love. Honestly it's been very difficult for me to allow myself to feel loved! It's hard to accept that he can love me completely for me! I never had many insecurities, I was lucky enough to not be plagued with self-esteem issues, I was okay with my weight! Until it was glaringly taking over who I was.
I do think that some of my anxiety has been the winter, seems like almost every February I get down. My councilor said it's probably related to my grandmother passing away in front of me, and me holding on to that pain. Also I had a close friend kill himself at the end of January a few years ago, so death related to winter for me. Since the time change I think I have felt a lot better.
Josh has been my rock through all of this and even though there has been a lot of pain and hurt going on, we've grown stronger as a couple with communication, closer with our emotions and overall gotten more comfortable with each other. I do see a long future for us. There are always things to work on, but for the most part- being able to accept one another as is has been a big deal for us. I honestly cant thank him enough for being the one to hold me up when I couldn't do it myself.
As for health- well I have been letting myself have a good time when I can. I haven't been limiting myself too much because if there's something that will make me happy, I want to do it. Going out to dinner and having some drinks has been a part of that. And I know that alcohol is a depressant (felt that a few times) so drinking has remained a weekend only thing. However (and I cant talk to this weekend because it was pretty terrible for food) I haven't gained back more than 5lbs. My lowest was 204.1 and (after this weekend) I may be around 208 or 210ish...
I am still doing my half Marathon training! It's been seriously taxing on my schedule and body, but I am getting really excited for it. I have had big doubts about how the hell I am going to finish it. But I have ran a 7 mile run, two weekends in a row. How's THAT for progress. It's crazy. I end up skipping about 1 run a week, so im only doing 3 runs a week. Which is not ideal. So I need to step it up and push it harder! I have slowly started (after 2 effing years) pushing my pace on the treadmill. I realized that I've been running at 5.0 for 1.5 years and also- it's not going to be EASY to up the pace, but my body will adjust eventually!
Saturday I ran 7 miles in 83:33! Pretty happy with that :D 8 miles this weekend :/ Its gonna be rough!!
So through everything that's been going on.. I've learned that I'll be okay. And I've been taking life WAY too seriously.
I really don't know what it is about my mental block about getting below 200lbs. I give up when im close... im scared to get past it for some reason. There's a whole other discussion on that one I think, but I really need to push through it and realize that i'm the same person even if I'm below 200lbs, there aren't suddenly a 1000 expectations of me, its the same!
I will be very disappointment in myself if I complete 18week half marathon training and finish the race WITHOUT getting below 200lbs. I WILL DO THIS!
I hope that any meds I get don't make me worse, have negative side effects or make me feel like I am a different person (in a negative way). It's scary! But I really do have a great support system of friends and my man to support me.
Im going to try attaching some photos of me and my mom/sister when we went to NYC- it was an AMAZING trip!!