Monday, March 18, 2013
So yesterday's blog helped me get out what I have been feeling. While I will feel the same, it is somehow a bit less today. I kinda feel like a leaf that was blowing in the wind. The wind in getting calm and the leaf is drifting back to the ground. Gently, slowly.
Much of my life is made ups of black and white thinking. All or nothing. Amazing or horrible. Happy or sad. Loosing weight or gaining weight. All in or all out.... you get the picture. This way of thinking and feeling is such a roller coaster and a set up for failure. At the same time, it has served me well in some ways. When things are great- I feel amazing. Focused, accomplished, unstoppable. During these moments I accomplish many wonderful things. I am a "good" friend, wife, daughter and mother. I help people at work, I create, develop and produce a great deal. When things are not great- I am a resentful and tired friend, wife, daughter and mother. I snap at people, I stew, I feel anger, fatigue and emptiness.
I have not found a middle path yet. A place where I allow emotions to come and go without labeling them. A place where a day or week is made up of many moments- some good, some bad, some with no label at all. A path where I can loose weight without all of my energy focused on just one thing. A path where I can do okay at many things instead of exceptional at everything I do. My life has lots of roles, and I think I need to be okay striving for average instead of exceptional. I keep hoping for peace. Every year I think to myself "I just want peace". The funny things is- the only thing in the way of inner peace is myself. Time to step out the way.
I even have two BLANK journals given to me by friends. One is two years old. I can't bring myself to even write in them for fear that I will ruin a perfectly clean and beautiful empty journal. Perhaps today will be the day that I write in one. A first step down that middle path.