Sunday, March 17, 2013
I've been thinking. I have. Touching on some deep and dark, hidden truths about me. Some of these thoughts are the kind that when my mind brushes up against them I mentally shiver and I immediately veer the thought in another direction (Oh, look, shiny over there!)
Lent is naturally a time to reflect and confess our sins. I have readily confessed the big ones, the ones that are obvious to me. But this Lent is different to me. You see, on Easter this year I am being Baptized. I wasn't as a child and my father swore I never would be. My father died 4 years ago and it occurred to me that this is my life to live as I believe I should.
I want to do the hard work of truly confessing my sins. I realized with deep humility that I have abused Gods gift of my body. See, I just did it again. My mind just laughed and told a mental joke - comparing this statement to the old statement "he thinks he's Gods gift to women". (Oh, shiny!)
But I AM Gods gift to myself and I have abused this gift for way to long. I don't want to joke and veer into another direction any longer. I wont be afraid to look at the hard truths of my sins; including the greed and gluttony I have been unable to resist. I have confessed my failings and I beg the Lord to help me with these struggles.
I have a terrible illness that is directly related to these abuses. I have struggled with drugs and alcohol in my past. I routinely (maybe 2 to 3 times a year) end up with some injury or illness that can be linked to my ignoring pain or paying more attention to what "needs to get done" rather than focusing on the task at hand. I have high cholesterol and I'm obese.
It feels somehow even more shameful to ask for help with these struggles. Like my struggles aren't worth His time (or yours either, btw). But I spot something shiny over there ....