Sunday, March 17, 2013
Ever feel lost? I mean- really, really lost. Like your soul is wandering the earth trying to find its' purpose? I know. It sounds dramatic. I cringed as I even typed it, but if I am honest with myself- that is how I feel. It a hollow feeling and a feeling that leads me to do anything to get away from it. Surf the internet, watch TV, eat, sleep, ANYTHING to avoid sitting with this feeling.
I want to loose weight and get healthy- says my brain. But my soul does not agree. Loosing weight and "getting healthy" means having to feel this for even longer! Who wants that? Then is occurred to me the other day. Okay- so if I am really avoiding getting healthy because I don't really want to live longer, then what happens if I live longer anyways AND I am trapped in a body that is ill, sick and painful. Hmmmmm. I think I really need to rethink this unconscious plan. It is time to deal with the hollow feeling- whatever it is. I do believe I am here to learn something. Not sure what it is yet, but it can't be avoided. Time to look under the covers to see what is there. What am I so afraid of? Perhaps that this feeling is just who I am. It is the just the ways I will feel forever. Or-if I don't feel like this forever then what can I blame for my lack of success? Laziness, worthlessness, incompetence? Okay- so let's say it is all of those things. SO WHAT? Fear is a very funny thing. Time to start living. Small steps everyday- then I will see where I end up.