Despite resisting the blog assignment kick-off to a Sparkteam challenge last month to re-introduce myself to my team and SparkiLand, I can't seem to get away from the task.
I have been asked to introduce myself more than 3 times since then. This morning after doing an introductory KaiaFit class with NEWSGIRL2177, I fell back on my old, trusty weight loss accomplishment.
"I changed my life 5 years ago when I weighed almost 400 pounds and lost 125."
People applauded and I felt a twinge (not of guilt, but something..). Then NEWSGIRL2177 helped by including in her intro how we were workout partners, and friends, and challenge each other to stay active and do new things. It was perfect and a more accurate definition - one that I am proud of, despite my recent 2013 set backs. One that is not 4 years stale.
We are runners, we've done CrossFit, we know things and care, and can't be defined by whatever perception you might have of our appearance, or weight, or speed, or sweat.
--It's exactly what I fumbled with.
It's exactly why I balked inwardly when I felt like I was being lectured (even though I probably wasn't), and on a nearly cellular level my body was screaming out "YOU DON'T KNOW ME" (even though no one may have been judging me).
*I* felt out of place because of my size.. because I was forced to confront what I had been ignoring the past couple of months- that I'm not exercising. I'm not running, dancing, playing. I've done a bit of hiking, I've done weekends in sweeps of fitness minutes, but not in a way that helps me or my body. But I'm not fueling myself with healthy foods or water. I'm not as strong as I was before Christmas.
But that doesn't mean I can't be.
It doesn't mean that I "am not" permanently.
I railed so hard against being defined poorly because *I* am the one who is viewing my actions as a reflection of who I am.
I'm reminding myself that the beautiful thing about finding who you are is that for the most part YOU define it through your actions, and your mindset, and your own perception. We tell kids they can be whatever they want to be, but forget ourselves.
I am at a crossroads. I can choose to sink deeper into past poor habits of working too much, eating too little (then eating TOO MUCH in big chunks), and being sedentary, or I can be a vibrant, healthy person who chooses good nutrition and positive thoughts with increased energy.
I was born in Hawaii, but I'm not Hawaiian.
I can still have hula in my hips and a flower in my hair.