Sunday, March 17, 2013
Depression is a monster. It's the worst enemy you could have because it lives inside you. It isn't something you can just fold away and put in a closet and leave. No. It lurks inside and comes out when you are at your weakest.....it consumes you. Death. Emotionless. Careless. Drained. Lonely. Consumed. Empty. These are just some of the things that you feel because of this ugly monster.
If allowed, it will chew on you little by little, swallow you and cause you to feel as if there is absolutely no hope left in this world for you. Depression. It is NOT your friend.
The day I nearly quit, I cried just because.......exactly....I had nothing to cry for but I cried any way. I was miserable. I did not want to eat. I just wanted to sleep......all day and all night. It is amazing at how a body can actually sleep that much! It truly can! I wanted to be alone.......I didn't want my husband near me, my family or friends. Guess that was good because who in their right mind would want to be around someone that was so sad? When I finally got to the point that I was ready to quit my dialysis, that's when I knew something had to be done.
When I went to my doctor, granted he's top of the line, but I'm sitting here crying, telling him that I feel like I have absolutely no hope left and he's cracking jokes trying to make me laugh. Stop here......this is where it took everything I could muster NOT to become violent and I'm NOT a violent person by nature but this is one time I really wanted to slap me a doctor into next week! Ok, proceed......and no, I didn't get physical......the doctor suggested the phsychiatric nurse and social worker. ..... and continued with his jokes.
My new lovely, physchiatric nurse comes to visit on Saturdays. She's precious and she's helped me. Immediately, she told the doctor I should come off of Cymbalta and start Prozac. She prays with me and is just the best person. Within the first week of taking the Prozac, I've felt more energetic, had less crying outbursts and am sleeping better. Slowly, I'm noticing a change in my thinking patterns.....from loss of control to I think I've got this now. I can see me getting better.
Second Week.....I've only had one crying outburst......lots of progress! My Christmas tree and decorations are down and back in storage. DH and I bought bicycles and have begun riding together. I actually didn't have to stop for a break before DH did! To say I was proud of myself would be an understatement LOL
I'm getting my groove back......and I'm thankful. I'm spending lots of quality time with my Heavenly Father and less time on the computer (mostly because we didn't have internet for a bit there and the rest because it's dialup and is a pain to load everything). I've purchased a bible study on Depression and it has helped me so much. It's amazing to learn that the people in the bible, even the one that God called "a man after God's own heart" (David), even some of the prophets.....they all became depressed at some point in life. They were human and needed help too! It's ok to be depressed.....just don't stay there. Cry out to God.....
More time exercising and less time being a couch potato. I'm actually enjoying my life somewhat again and seeing the good in things and not just the sad and bad. God is good.....has been, especially when I've been hiding from Him under my blanket in the dark, ready to give up....that's when He reached down, gently put His loving arm around me and said "I've got this....you rest here for a bit and come back when you're ready."
That was the day I nearly quit......