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The Day I Nearly Quit......

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Depression is a monster. It's the worst enemy you could have because it lives inside you. It isn't something you can just fold away and put in a closet and leave. No. It lurks inside and comes out when you are at your weakest.....it consumes you. Death. Emotionless. Careless. Drained. Lonely. Consumed. Empty. These are just some of the things that you feel because of this ugly monster.

If allowed, it will chew on you little by little, swallow you and cause you to feel as if there is absolutely no hope left in this world for you. Depression. It is NOT your friend.

The day I nearly quit, I cried just because.......exactly....I had nothing to cry for but I cried any way. I was miserable. I did not want to eat. I just wanted to sleep......all day and all night. It is amazing at how a body can actually sleep that much! It truly can! I wanted to be alone.......I didn't want my husband near me, my family or friends. Guess that was good because who in their right mind would want to be around someone that was so sad? When I finally got to the point that I was ready to quit my dialysis, that's when I knew something had to be done.

When I went to my doctor, granted he's top of the line, but I'm sitting here crying, telling him that I feel like I have absolutely no hope left and he's cracking jokes trying to make me laugh. Stop here......this is where it took everything I could muster NOT to become violent and I'm NOT a violent person by nature but this is one time I really wanted to slap me a doctor into next week! Ok, proceed......and no, I didn't get physical......the doctor suggested the phsychiatric nurse and social worker. ..... and continued with his jokes.

My new lovely, physchiatric nurse comes to visit on Saturdays. She's precious and she's helped me. Immediately, she told the doctor I should come off of Cymbalta and start Prozac. She prays with me and is just the best person. Within the first week of taking the Prozac, I've felt more energetic, had less crying outbursts and am sleeping better. Slowly, I'm noticing a change in my thinking patterns.....from loss of control to I think I've got this now. I can see me getting better.

Second Week.....I've only had one crying outburst......lots of progress! My Christmas tree and decorations are down and back in storage. DH and I bought bicycles and have begun riding together. I actually didn't have to stop for a break before DH did! To say I was proud of myself would be an understatement LOL

I'm getting my groove back......and I'm thankful. I'm spending lots of quality time with my Heavenly Father and less time on the computer (mostly because we didn't have internet for a bit there and the rest because it's dialup and is a pain to load everything). I've purchased a bible study on Depression and it has helped me so much. It's amazing to learn that the people in the bible, even the one that God called "a man after God's own heart" (David), even some of the prophets.....they all became depressed at some point in life. They were human and needed help too! It's ok to be depressed.....just don't stay there. Cry out to God.....

More time exercising and less time being a couch potato. I'm actually enjoying my life somewhat again and seeing the good in things and not just the sad and bad. God is good.....has been, especially when I've been hiding from Him under my blanket in the dark, ready to give up....that's when He reached down, gently put His loving arm around me and said "I've got this....you rest here for a bit and come back when you're ready."

That was the day I nearly quit......
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you so much for sharing your personal story. You are a very courageous person! I'm so glad you didn't give up!

    May God's loving arms enfold you throughout your journey. emoticon
    1824 days ago
  • KARENE10
    I'm so happy that you have found the help you needed! emoticon
    1824 days ago
    glad to hear you're better . I had a bad week too and felt overwhelmed, sad and sometimes even desperate. but I know everything will pass somehow emoticon
    1825 days ago
    Your blog touched me so much. Depression visited me for four years and it was one the darkest as well as hardest times of my life. It wasn't until I started riding my bike again that I got better. Gettng out and exercising helped so very much!!!

    When I read your blog I felt so joy filled--you are definitely pushing forward and getting better! I am so grateful I read your blog. How wonderful the Lord is working in your life. He is showing you the way out!!!

    God bless you and keep moving...it works!!!
    1826 days ago
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    1826 days ago
    So glad you found help and are on a fresh start. Thank you for sharing. God bless and keep you as you continue this journey.
    1826 days ago
    What a powerful and moving story! Thank you for being open, honest and sharing something very personal. I have had those days and moments too.

    Today was one of them for me. Normally, I'm very happy and laughing all the time. It takes a lot to get me down and in a bad mood.

    I tend to be a good listener and try to be understanding. If at any point you feel the need to reach out and grab someone to speak with, I am here.

    I hope the best for you and pray that you get through this thin period in your life.

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    1826 days ago
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