Saturday, March 16, 2013
Recently I have been looking at the large picture. Usually I try keep my glasses off and access where I am in the process from a very close distance. I have had a lot of lost, the fact is I tend to walk in a cloak of darkness. Since my birthday I have kinda been in a closed circle. Things have been at a standstill. I know I keep saying that, but it really is true. I still have a Christmas tree in my living room. (Picture enclosed) Note- It isn't as bad as you think as we take ours down on the second of February, forty days following the Nativity. This year for some reason I have held on tight to Christmas even longer. However, EASTER is coming!
A year ago the 13th I renewed my vows. I was very happy and the pictures were ones that I could live with, despite the fact that I was still quite large and hiding the majority of my body behind objects.
Side tracking a bit here...
Suddenly the pictures you thought were taken three years ago are 20 years old. And you are posting them on Facebook, because the ones you have taken recently are not as flattering. When people start asking you say, "It is an old one I really should update it. Gosh come to think about it is about three years old. " And you are being honest. Time has past you by without you even realizing it.
You go to find a recent picture and you find yourself missing!! It is like you have been absent for years. As you go back further and further you begin to find pieces of yourself. Finally you think, maybe I should start at the front of the album. As you turn to the first page of the album you see yourself. There you are in all the pictures front and center. However, as you flip forward you see yourself drifting toward the back end of the pictures. The further you flip the harder it becomes to even find yourself in the photos. In fact, it isn't long before all you find is your face and shoulders, because most of you is hidden behind large objects like walls. Then there is nothing left sticking out but your head and part of it is either propped or squished in an attempt to hide the extra chins. Finally you are completely missing! Back to the Future has happened to you!! You are missing from photos, but you are not sure why this as happened.
Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! You cant see yourself so it is time to listen to yourself. Your body is talking. You feel awful, you cant participate in activities you once loved. You are disappearing and it isn't just from pictures. LISTEN!
YOU ARE MORBIDLY OBESE!
It doesn't matter how many mirrors you avoid, or how much you stretch those stretch pants, the truth remains you are "Morbidly obesity! You are no longer talking "overweight" or even "obese", YOU are "Morbidly Obese"!!! You are in a category that some lists don't even include.
Simple things like shopping trips make you unhappy. When you walk into the book store at your college there is NOTHING not even the unisex XXL that will fit you. You suddenly realize that you are BIGGER than the biggest football player. YIKES!!!!!!!
Lets face it even though you are living in the modern world. A world where the clothes that were once labeled, "one size fits all" has now become "one size fits most"! You still don't belong or even fit.
YOU are "Morbidly Obese"!!!
Okay, sorry about that back on task.
This morning I woke up. It started very similar to that morning, the horrible morning, the one where I realized I had been transformed. The morning when suddenly I had woke with a new beauty pageant title, "Homecoming Queen of the Morbidly Obese". I woke up expecting to find that ribbon tight around my chest and it wasnt there. My body still felt heavy, moving was difficult, my fluid level was obviously high, I was stiff, but still something was different.
Regardless of the feelings I stumbled to the scales. I looked at the numbers. I thought wow you have only lost 38 pounds, sad considering I had started this battle three years ago. Then I thought about past events.
A year ago this week I renewed my marriage vows, but for me it was more than that! I renewed my vows to live a life as well. I was excited that day, because I was able to show my face in the pictures.
Then last month we went to pick up our new collie from the rescue. (DONT SHOP ADOPT) I was conscious of the camera but I didnt completely hide. I had thought about the picture for days. I didnt want to miss out on this event. I wanted to be a part of the picture. Although I still had to adjust my body, I was no longer hiding. This is not saying I was the star of the show. This is simply saying I was a part of it.
This morning the numbers had changed again. One year had passed and 20 pounds were done. I crawled home thinking okay that isnt as bad as I thought, but I was still devastated, because I had only lost 38 pounds in three years. I typed in the results to Sparks and watched as it crunched the numbers. I sat there waiting for the number 38 to appear, but instead the number 48 appeared. Somehow when I had accessed the changes slowly taking place I had forgotten to look at the Large picture. I had blocked out my successes in addition to the failures. My small changes turn into big ones over time. I cheated myself because I underestimated my abilities. I just assumed 20 pounds was right. When actually I had lost 30 pounds! That is 120 sticks of butter!!
You may think the little decisions you are making today arent really that important, but they are important. They impact the big picture, YOUR PICTURE. They determine whether you will find yourself hiding in your cloak of darkness or shining.
For now I am going to cover myself in my cloak of darkness. I am retreating. This junk I have had has left me flat and I need to rest. I know that it wont be long before I am up editing this blog. However, right now I swear I am not going to look back it, because the time has come to move forward.
There really isn't a reason to reread or edit it. It is just random thoughts or reflections that have suddenly given me a reason to move forward. I have found a reason move on and live life. EASTER is coming.
There WAS no longer a way to hide the fact that you WERE the fat person, so you MADE yourself disappear. That was the PAST. Dont miss
miss out of the future looking back.
Spring ahead! Easter is coming. Shoes17