Saturday, March 16, 2013
I had a terrible struggle with eating this past week. I felt bombarded by negative feelings and powerful cravings, and I fell back into some of my worst habits. In the last six months I had gotten into the habit of not eating or drinking anything other than morning coffee on workdays, and I did that again for a couple of days. I also had fast food three nights running. I'm trying to get it back together today.
When I started the process I knew cravings would be an issue, but I thought I might be craving alcohol given my family history and the fact that I was drinking rather heavily before I joined WW. To my surprise, it hasn't been more than a fleeting thought now and then. Mind you, I would enjoy a beer or a glass of wine, but the thought passes quickly.
No, I find myself craving insane things like fast food and heavily processed things that I don't even like! A certain fast food chain has been advertising its "night time" combo of a burger and two tacos. I know good burgers. I grew up in Los Angeles, one of the Mexical food capitals of the USA, so I also know good tacos. This place makes neither. So I don't understand why the ads make me drool! I detest Velveeta, but find myself wanting Velveeta Shells & Cheese. What is up with THAT?
I have a vivid imagination -- the movies should only have the imaging technology my brain has! So like it or not I find myself with vivid mental images of how these "foods" taste and feel in my mouth. But when I try to make myself imagine losing weight, regaining mobility and actually living again, I encounter a mental brick wall. I think that at least part of the issue is that I'm only doing this for myself. And if it's for me, it doesn't count or is even wrong. Thanks to my father and a few other people, I've grown up terrified of the word "selfish." I was also taught by the religion I grew up in that it's noble and even holy to care entirely for others and disregard self. We were told stories we were supposed to be inspired by about saints who starved, tormented and otherwise mistreated themselves. This was supposed to be the example we were to aspire to. As a child I was frightened, not inspired! Is that REALLY what God wants for us? And as I told Arthur during this week's session, "I'm hungry for a lot of things besides food, but food is all that's available." It's a dilemma.
As a 60th birthday present I bought myself two new Irish cookbooks. There are no nutritional counts so I can't calculate the Points, but it would surprise a lot of people how fresh and beautiful Irish cuisine is (and no, that is NOT an oxymoron!). A lot of fresh produce and seafood, simply prepared. I'm looking forward to digging into them at some time, when I'm well enough into the process that I can be a little more flexible.
This is such a struggle.