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    LADYIRISH317   68,149
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Bad food week (kind of rambling)

Saturday, March 16, 2013

I had a terrible struggle with eating this past week. I felt bombarded by negative feelings and powerful cravings, and I fell back into some of my worst habits. In the last six months I had gotten into the habit of not eating or drinking anything other than morning coffee on workdays, and I did that again for a couple of days. I also had fast food three nights running. I'm trying to get it back together today.

When I started the process I knew cravings would be an issue, but I thought I might be craving alcohol given my family history and the fact that I was drinking rather heavily before I joined WW. To my surprise, it hasn't been more than a fleeting thought now and then. Mind you, I would enjoy a beer or a glass of wine, but the thought passes quickly.

No, I find myself craving insane things like fast food and heavily processed things that I don't even like! A certain fast food chain has been advertising its "night time" combo of a burger and two tacos. I know good burgers. I grew up in Los Angeles, one of the Mexical food capitals of the USA, so I also know good tacos. This place makes neither. So I don't understand why the ads make me drool! I detest Velveeta, but find myself wanting Velveeta Shells & Cheese. What is up with THAT?

I have a vivid imagination -- the movies should only have the imaging technology my brain has! So like it or not I find myself with vivid mental images of how these "foods" taste and feel in my mouth. But when I try to make myself imagine losing weight, regaining mobility and actually living again, I encounter a mental brick wall. I think that at least part of the issue is that I'm only doing this for myself. And if it's for me, it doesn't count or is even wrong. Thanks to my father and a few other people, I've grown up terrified of the word "selfish." I was also taught by the religion I grew up in that it's noble and even holy to care entirely for others and disregard self. We were told stories we were supposed to be inspired by about saints who starved, tormented and otherwise mistreated themselves. This was supposed to be the example we were to aspire to. As a child I was frightened, not inspired! Is that REALLY what God wants for us? And as I told Arthur during this week's session, "I'm hungry for a lot of things besides food, but food is all that's available." It's a dilemma.

As a 60th birthday present I bought myself two new Irish cookbooks. There are no nutritional counts so I can't calculate the Points, but it would surprise a lot of people how fresh and beautiful Irish cuisine is (and no, that is NOT an oxymoron!). A lot of fresh produce and seafood, simply prepared. I'm looking forward to digging into them at some time, when I'm well enough into the process that I can be a little more flexible.

This is such a struggle.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DAWNFIRE72 3/17/2013 11:04PM

    I know that overcoming your childhood "lessons' is hard. It sounds like you have been given a lot of negativity about being "selfish", what you are doing is taking care of yourself. Taking care of yourself is NOT selfish it is necessary.

Try to remember that you are worth the fight. It is never too late to learn to be good to yourself and still be able to help others in the process.

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HENLADY11 3/17/2013 11:11AM

  Well....if you are having weird cravings for foul unhealthy food and you buy yourself 2 cookbooks about beautiful good food....I think your good side won!!
and now I look forward to hearing about some good Irish cooking, somewhere down the line.

Blessings upon thee, LadyIrish.

Henlady

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MRS_TOAD 3/17/2013 8:30AM

    Enjoy your birthday gifts. I look forward to hearing about some of those recipes.

As for the rough week, emoticon

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THINRONNA 3/17/2013 8:21AM

    Keep up the good fight! Don't let a small back slide stop all of your great progress...you can do this. Actually the ONLY person you should be doing this is for YOU! ...but if you want to be giving about it as well...you can realize that you are doing it for US. We want you around for a long long time. emoticon

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NASFKAB 3/17/2013 6:25AM

  all the best

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FITANDFIFTY2 3/17/2013 3:48AM

    It was a rough week for me too! We can do this!! Your cookbooks sound awesome! Hugs to you!!

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GLAMNGLOWDIVA 3/17/2013 2:13AM

    Yes you had a slip up this week with your eating, but you see that and know what you need to do to get yourself back on track. You can do it!

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WALLAHALLA 3/17/2013 1:19AM

    I, too, had a lousy food week. Can't change it, it was what it was. I intend for this upcoming week to be much better. emoticon

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VHALKYRIE 3/16/2013 11:28PM

    We all have slips. What's important is dusting ourselves off and getting up again. If you've read my blogs recently, you know that it took me approximately 10 years to get where I wanted to be. 10 years! It would have been never if I didn't get back up every time I found a stumble, block, or fall. It took me a long time to break some of the bad relationships with food that I had, like eating if I was hungry. Isn't that weird? One of the most basic biologic functions, and I had to learn how to eat when hungry again!

"I'm hungry for a lot of things besides food, but food is all that's available."

This is absolutely stunning insight.

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LINDA! 3/16/2013 9:51PM

    I crave fast food so often. I grew up eating a lot of it. When I see a fast food restaurant commercial, I can taste the burger or pizza....but, I try to avoid it to keep my health in check.

We can do this!

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.DUSTY. 3/16/2013 9:14PM

    "I'm hungry for a lot of things besides food, but food is all that's available."

This is so very true for me and would like to add, "especially weighing over 350".

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MONETRUBY 3/16/2013 9:06PM

    emoticon

I hear the struggle in your words. Having read so much about your history, it's no surprise that you would be struggling with doing something for yourself. You're feeling selfish, but nothing could be further from the truth. Only you can take care of yourself, so you have to take a leadership role in this, and focus on yourself and what is best for you. I wish I could take the guilt and the struggle away for you, but only you can do that. Please don't forget that all of your sparkfriends are here for you, and will support you every step of the way.

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1CRAZYDOG 3/16/2013 8:46PM

  So sorry for your struggles. It is unfortunate that the upbringing is such that we're made to feel selfish putting ourselves first. BUT that really IS exactly what He wants us to do! For the simple reason that we ARE then equipped to help others. But we can't if we don't have our own needs met.

HUGS, blessings, and Happy St. Patrick's Day to you.


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CMRAND54 3/16/2013 7:40PM

    I am very susceptible to food clues, too. Food adds make me hungry. People eating in movies, or even in books can make me hungry for whatever they are eating. It's crazy. We all have to fight these cravings I guess. Do try to stay away from junk food. Eat your fresh Irish Cuisine and enjoy it!

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SHARON10002 3/16/2013 7:21PM

    I'm sorry you are feeling this way . . .

"I think that at least part of the issue is that I'm only doing this for myself."
Isn't this who you should be doing this for? Why should you do this for anyone other than yourself? If not you, who else will? YOU are entitled to care for yourself. It's your responsibility.

"And if it's for me, it doesn't count or is even wrong. Thanks to my father and a few other people, I've grown up terrified of the word "selfish."

What is wrong with taking complete responsibility for your thoughts and feelings, wants and needs, and to want to be a better, healthier person, and to strive to reach your full potential? If this is the case, it makes perfect sense to make yourself your highest priority--to focus your time and energy on advancing your own well-being. To focus on the improvement of self. Becoming a better person, a higher vision of yourself. Is this so "wrong"?
I view being "selfish" as having "total disregard" for anyone other than yourself, and to be self serving with very little regard for the feelings and needs of others, and I don't believe that it's who you are.

"I was also taught by the religion I grew up in that it's noble and even holy to care entirely for others and disregard self. We were told stories we were supposed to be inspired by about saints who starved, tormented and otherwise mistreated themselves. This was supposed to be the example we were to aspire to. As a child I was frightened, not inspired!"

Do you think this might have been a way to keep you in check; to keep you from misbehaving?

"Is that REALLY what God wants for us?"

Do you REALLY believe that God doesn't want you to be happy? That He wants you to suffer? To what purpose? If God truly loves us, and we are all taught He does, isn't our happiness what He would desire foremost for us?

Why not think about it? I am working through the issue to loving myself more also. I invite you to read my blogs on Loving Yourself. There are some very good practical exercises that have been helping me. I can feel the difference since I began about a month ago. You deserve to know and feel in your heart that your well-being is important, and that is NOT being selfish by anyone's definition.
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Comment edited on: 3/16/2013 7:23:54 PM

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CATLADY52 3/16/2013 6:33PM

    Hang in there. You are worth the effort. emoticon emoticon

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MUFFINSKI 3/16/2013 4:48PM

    It's totally normal, don't let it stress you. I was craving ice cream so badly the other day and I just don't like ice cream. My skinny little 16 year old said we should go to Red Mango, a yogurt place she likes. They have the calories posted and a zillion healthy choices. Voila'! Cravings vanished and I found a new treat I can splurge on!
Try to find similar substitutes, because those cravings can be a diet killer, if you don't occasionally satisfy them!
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NEW-CAZ 3/16/2013 4:24PM

    sorry to hear you're struggling, every sparker has a slip off the road occassionally.
The trick is not to dwell on it and get back on track.
Don't be hard on yourself, sometimes we're our own worst enemy.
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CHEFSOPHIE 3/16/2013 4:02PM

    I can relate to your cravings. When I was on Weight Watchers, I kept dreaming about a hot fudge sunday. I finally got one and have not a clue why I was craving it so much. Spark has a recipe calculator that would let you get the info to calculate points, or you could add up the points from each of the ingredients. I do like good Irish food, but unfortunately most of the Irish restaurants around here have bad food, and watered down beer.

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MDMNINA 3/16/2013 3:53PM

    Sorry to hear you are having such a struggle. You can do this. And don't beat yourself up over the occassional slip!

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