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Back....again, and again, whatever it takes

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Well, here I am. Again. I see it has been over a year since my last blog post. Not a good thing. It has been a year of downward spiral. And it's not my weight that has spiraled downward, either! Fortunately, I am still "only" pre-diabetic, but my husband is quickly heading for insulin if something doesn't change. I am practically immobile. My back, hips, joints ache until I can barely get out of bed in the morning. The level of inflammation in my body is frightening. My blood sugars are borderline. I can barely reach my feet, which are chronically swollen. And I hate, hate, hate looking in the mirror. Not a pretty picture. Walking around my yard once puts me out of breath.

And summer is coming. I have a "chick trip" vacation planned in two months. At this point, I will not enoy it, and I am worried about being out in public. I look around, and I am usually the heaviest person in the room, no matter where I am. I just want to lock myself up oin my house and never come out. Ugh!
I have recently begun sewing again. I have some beautiful fabrics and patterns, but they keep coming out too small, no matter what size I cut from the pattern. In fact, the patterns don't come big enough.

Yesterday, I was helping a friend with intake paperwork for a bariatric surgical center. Reading the paperwork I realized that I am worse off than he is. However, I am really resistant to the idea of bypass surgery.

So here I am....again. I try to tell myself that weight is a number on the scale, not who I am, but I have a hard time buying it. I have the info for two nearby OA meetings sitting in front of me, in the hopes that I will get off my duff and get to one of those meetings. next week. And I am here, logging my food, reaching out, trying to get something to click in ME. Sometimes you've just got to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try, try again. Whatever it takes....
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MISSG180
    You are back, and that's what matters most.

    Stop thinking about "losing weight" and start thinking about "feeling good" and "being healthy." Weight loss is always about punishment, self-sacrifice, self-loathing--it's a losing proposition. You have to see the world as a good place to enjoy instead of a terrifying, miserable place to survive.
    1826 days ago
  • KIMH51
    It always amazes me how people never give up... I never have, and neither should you. What clicked for me was looking back on the last couple of years and how fast time flies... really... look at your kids, grandkids, how fast they are growing up.. and "allow" yourself the one year, two years to really do this - work at it honestly and steadily, one meal at a time. No beating yourself up, just do it. Walk your backyard, and when you get finished planting all your veggies etc., head to my house and do mine for me! I do not, never have, never will have a green thumb.. lol :-)

    Keep in touch, I did send you a reply to your email...

    good luck to my new friend! :-)
    1826 days ago
    It's great that you have taken the step to putting yourself on the right road.
    Yes, it will take time and 4thekidzandme is right, baby steps.
    Look forward to your "chick trip" - don't see it as a problem.
    Do not set your goals too big - set a few things only that you can achieve in a short space of time, even if it only walking slightly further than once round the garden and changing one food in that time.

    1827 days ago
    I went through my friends list just the other day and wondered how you were doing!! Glad that you are back and not giving up completely. Remember that sometimes it takes baby steps to get start and pretty soon you have a run away!!! Keep in touch! You can do this!!
    1827 days ago
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