binge which lead to a light bulb moment
Saturday, March 16, 2013
I had a decision to make, and while I made it, I felt like pouting and felt maligned and blew off the gym. See, my husband is starting a new career, We have bought a daycare and as of April 1, he will be the director. The hours of operation are 6:00 to 6:30, and he plans on being away from the house 5 am to 7pm. To do this, he quit his state public service job ( a decision I supported) but I had to demote from a supervisor position to a line worker position. Supervisors have payment authority and the powers that be thought it was a conflict of interest and that I might open payments to myself. So I demoted, a decision and sacrifice that I made but regret almost daily as I adjust to the new loss of power and prestige and respect. The hidden benefit of demoting is that I arranged to work a 4/10 schedule, which I loved. I love the quiet hour in the office before anyone gets there, I love the extra day off where I can have a longer workout, have people over for lunch, clean my house and spark for hours with no interruptions. With the change in Steve's schedule, it has become apparent that I need to give up my 4/10 day. My new schedule is that five days a week I will drive Bailey to band practice at 6:30, and get to work by 7. I will also get to make the horde breakfast in the morning, something that will take a bit of getting used to. I don't do breakfast meats, and you can only make eggs a couple of different ways. I do have a waffle maker. I will work 7-4, then go to the gym till 6, when I pick up Jacob from sports practice. Bailey and Hannah have to get home and entertain themselves. We will have dinner at 6:30, then I will do homework help till bedtime, usually 9 ish. While it makes sense on paper, and there really is no other way I can meet my parenting obligations, work a 10 hour day and get an hour in the gym, I was pretty bent out of shape about this reality. After talking about it to my friend ( who just retired and understands the balance of work and family) I sent the email to my boss changing my schedule, and came home and pouted. I did not go to the gym, killed my 10 minute or more streak and did not burn any extra calories. I sparked, and felt better but was "wiped" and felt unappreciated so I didn't cook dinner but ate a frozen meal and left fish sticks to the boys. All was well, until bedtime when I found myself eating in front of the fridge. I went to bed in a food induced coma, and woke up to a dream. In my dream, I was taking the daycare kids on a field trip to a parade and then a local pool. There was about a hundred kids, plus my old girl scout troop. The field trip didn't go well, and in my dream, I was frantic that I had lost kids, and the girl scouts were getting ready fast enough and there were strange adults in the shower and in the midst of this, I lost my medication, had a low blood sugar episode and couldn't find my husband, which made me more frantic. I felt all alone, and was pissed that I had to handle everything by myself. Which lead me to an aha moment, and identified the reason for the binge. I am pissed that I have to handle all the kids stuff, all the house stuff by myself. Further more, I am feeling neglected, like my stuff ( and having two chronic diagnosis requires constant attention from everybody) doesn't matter and is going to get lost in the shuffle of the daycare. I'm fundamentally mad at steve for the spotlight to be on him, and his goals instead of me and my ever present struggle to get healthy. I am mad that this decision that we made is affecting us financially, and he continually harps that I spend to much money. I am mad that 5 years ago, I quit being a girl scout leader, but he didn't quit being a boyscout leader and still intends to do his community crap after the daycare opens. ( boyscouts takes two nights a week, plus every other Saturday and then he teaches religious education one night a week) I had been under the impression that he was quitting the extracurricular activities but he has informed me that he will continue and will schedule his assistant to close on those nights. I am mad. and I ate while angry. So what am I going to do about it? Acknowledge it. Move on. look at the benefits of this new schedule. I will get to learn new breakfast foods for my kids, with less emphasis on dinner as steve and Hannah will eat dinner at the daycare. I will get off work each day, early enough to beat the 5 pm rush at the gym, and can plan for two hours of gym time. I get to sleep in a little bit, but if I don't and wake up at the usual 4:30, I can spark and put together something in the crock pot. I will be at work on Wednesday, and can participate in the soup luncheon gig. and I blogged about it... I have acknowledged it and you can bet I am going to be sharing this insight with my husband, who is snoring away.