Story of my life
Saturday, March 16, 2013
This past week has comprised of HORRIBLE eating habits. Like awful. It stared last Saturday and I don't understand. I've been craving chocolate cake like nobodies business and it's awful. The thing is? I've given in, every single time! It destroys my stomach and the cramping that it causes can be unbearable. I wish I didn't give into the cravings, but it's an impulse thing and I have NO control over. Ok, you might think I do, but I don't. I have an impulse control disorder, it sucks, I can't control it, I don't even remember giving into those urges most of the time. So this impulse with eating cake? It scares the crap out of me (in more than one way ;) ) because I honestly can't not give in, the urge is THAT strong. And the thought of not eating the cake drives me into a panic attack - just like when I try to resist my other impulse disorder. Blah. So the scale is up.
But the day after I give into the food cravings/urges? Well, I'm just not hungry and I have a great gym workout in the morning. But then I don't eat lunch and then I don't eat dinner until nearly 8:30 or 9. So that's almost a whole day of NOT eating. I know that this is 100% not healthy. Ugh. I just don't understand. I feel like by not eating then I'm making up for overeating the previous day, but then I overeat again and the cycle completes itself. My protein is already low, my electrolytes are low, what am I doing to myself? (Although the protein/electrolytes have been low for about a year, but this eating cycle I've been in the past week is just making it worse).
So today I was at Ikea and almost fainted, again. But this wasn't a normal fainting episode for me. This was 100% different and terrifying. I was feeling dizzy this morning after my run, but thought it was just due to being on the beta blockers that my dr prescribed to prevent me from fainting (oddly enough, a side effect of beta blockers is that it can cause fainting!).
Side note about beta blockers: it lowers blood pressure and heart rate, but it will keep your heart beating at a constant, steady pace. So although I faint due to vasovagal syncope (essentially my heart just wants to give out occasionally and a lack of blood flow to the brain causes me to faint, which restores the blood flow and allows my heart to start beating again) and having a low blood pressure, my heart will always beat on the beta blocker, even if it is slow. It's also known to cause your heart rate to drop below 50, which is considered bradycardic. However, my normal heart rate is in the 50s! It can't really drop much more! I'm on a very low dose, so it's suppose to be beneficial and is the most common treatment for vasovagal syncope.
So I obviously blamed the beta blocker for causing the dizziness. No biggie, I was feeling light headed and dizzy a few days ago and also thought it was due to side effects. But I went on with my day and started feeling better. So then I was at Ikea and started feeling nauseous. Something told me that I needed to eat, but Ikea's restaurant didn't have ALL that much, so I just got the Green Machine Naked drink. But the nausea didn't pass and it always happens right before I faint. But this felt different and I blamed it on eating the chocolate cake the night before - and the chocolate covered matzoh (hey, I gotta celebrate Passover!). But then I started feeling really light headed and dizzy. I sat down with my head between my knees and the feeling didn't pass. So I kept going and by the time I moved from the couches to the chairs, I knew I had to sit down again as the room started spinning and I started trembling. The thing is, this does NOT happen when I faint. Fainting = nausea and then tunnel vision, then I'm on the floor. Never do I feel dizzy or light headed and never do I tremble. So I called my parents and spoke to them through the entire episode. After about 30 minutes, I felt well enough to walk over to the restaurant and got a piece of salmon, steamed veggies, french fries, and potato chips (the goal was protein and salt). I felt so much like a typical American adding salt to my food. It was disgusting and I didn't even use an entire packet! But after about 20 minutes of eating and getting the salt, I felt LOADS better.
So what does this mean? Is it a side effect of the beta blockers? Was it an atypical vasovagal response? Was it because I hadn't eaten anything yet? Was it some sort of reaction to all the gluten/dairy I've eaten over the past week? I have NO idea. I'm going to call the cardiologist on Monday to see if it's a side effect - or maybe I'll just call one of the nurses on the floor while I'm at work tomorrow! I know the heart clinic's phone number! We call them a lot with critical values that indiciate heart attacks. I really have no idea. I'm seeing a gastroenterologist next week to figure out what exactly is wrong with my stomach. Then I'm going to see a nutrionist to help me get more protein and increase my electrolytes (I'm already on an electrolyte replacement drink!). Then I'm going to bring up this whole impulsive eating with my therapist the following week. I'm sick of all this, I really am. I just want to be happy with my body since it isn't about the number on the scale anymore. I want the tunnel vision to go away. I want everything to be good. Don't get me wrong, I'm getting there, but I dunno. I'm just in a slump right now I suppose.
I just hope that I can complete this 4 mile run tomorrow that I'm doing for St Patrick's day! It's going to be a lot of fun and I'm looking forward to it, but I just hope my heart will allow me to do it. Watch me be THAT person who passes out in the middle of a race. Hmph. We'll see what happens. My goal is under 40 minutes. 38 minutes would be ideal, but I'd be happy with under 40, I just like to average under a 10 minute mile. Even though I can run 4 miles in 36 minutes on the treadmill, the road is so different!
So that's what's been up with me recently. I'm disgusted with my eating habits and I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. I'm not happy with these beta blockers, and I'm sick of these near fainting episodes. I am still addicted to running though :)