Friday, March 15, 2013
Just got back from the trip to Las Vegas for the Nascar races there. Hubby is a fan of Dale Jr. I decided Danika was going to be my driver. I think it's AWESOME that she's out there holding her own in the boys club.
I took some great pics. I'll have to get them off my camera and onto a blog soon.
Anyhow, my fitness was right up there. I actually went running on two days. I went dancing one night. Tonnes of walking. I was getting well over 10,000 steps per day without really trying. Got just under 20,000 one day. Burning close to 3.500 calories a day! I was watching what I was eating, but I wasn't restricting myself to salads. We went to a fantastic Italian restaurant in the hotel - they served gluten free pasta. We went to a seafood buffet on our last night at the Rio. WOW!
I was able to eat gluten free the whole time. It was great.
When we got home, I got on the scale. And again this morning. I am so frustrated. I am back up to 238lbs.
I've been struggling with this weight re-gain for two years now. I get motivated. I give it hard for a week. Run 3-5 times that week. Track every bite of food. And see no loss. Get a little frustrated, but try to keep at it for at least one more week.
Eventually, I get frustrated, and take a day off. Then two. Then....
I feel so overwhelmed by it all.
Since re-gaining the weight, my health issues have come back. I've been in a lot of pain again. Breathing has become harder again. Allergies are so much more sensitive again.
I caught sight of myself the other day. I don't like what I saw. I can't pretend that I haven't regained this weight. Or that no one else can see it either. EVERYONE can see every pound. I guess I'm the only one who can't see it.
I start on track. I go out with intentions of giving it my all. Pushing myself. Then bit by bit I accept "good enough". And a week of "good enough"s gets me nothing on the scale. It all leads me to frustration and giving up.
I have a pile of clothing upstairs in the bedroom. Much of it is smaller sizes I used to fit. Today I've come to a decision. I am getting rid of most of it. I've decided that when and if I loose the weight again, I'll just go get new stuff. It's kind of like a reward for the hard work to get there. And the pile will no longer be hovering over my head waiting for me to get off my butt. It's just adding pressure to me. I'm already under enough pressure from all of this.
This weight. I want to get back under 200lbs. That's my goal weight. Anything under 200. I know it sounds high, but I'm over 6'1". I am not a tiny little person. Last time I lost this weight, I got down to 198lbs - size 9-10. I could not actually get much smaller - my hip bones limit just how small I will be able to wear jeans. I was not a walking skeleton, but I looked good. I had a picture of me at that weight in the New Years Eve dress I wore that year. It's not posted here on SP anymore.
I am frustrated with myself. I know what I need to do to get there. Eat fewer calories/Higher nutrition. Move more.
My nutrition is about 80%. I am gluten free, so it's actually hard for me to eat crap. That being said, I've been avoiding salads for the past year or so. I will eat them on occassion. Reality is, I should eat some every day - a couple of times a day actually. A good sized salad for lunch is ideal. And a starter salad with supper. That would be AWESOME.
I know I can find salad recipes that taste good. Every time I go into the freggie section in the grocery store, I just tend to cringe. I HATE it when I end up getting bitter or sour tasting lettuce. I just can't make myself eat that. Hubby gets so angry when I toss it. It's just so stressful.
I know all the catch phrases.
You won't do it until it becomes a priority.
You earn your body
It's hard work, but it's worth it.
So what is my problem? There's obviously got to be something going on.
I've signed up for my next half marathon. It's been almost 3 weeks since I signed up. I'm already proving to myself that signing up isn't enough to make me get it done anymore.
I know I'm struggling with depression. I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon for this.
I am stuck on the couch. And just stuffing whatever into my mouth for food.
This can not continue. The path I'm on will only lead to more and more weight gain.
I thought I was doing well in Vegas. I guess not.
I need to do something. I need to find a way to get my mojo back. Get some momentum to get back on track.
I think my first thing is to get rid of all those clothes in the spare room.
I would give it my all for a week. Salads for lunch every day. Eat for fuel, not padding. Train for my HM coming up. Really push. But then what? What if I don't see or feel the results after a week? I can only imagine what a blow that would be.
I'm scared. I'm scared I can't do this. I'm scared I'm not good enough. How am I going to get past this?