Friday, March 15, 2013
Im typing on my iphone so please excuse any spelling errors.
im mormally such an upbeat energetic motivated person but lately something has changed, I feel defeated, and I need help. Not "professional help" just help from friends/people that have been there and can understand.
so this is my cry for help.
I haven't done a blog entry in forever and a day, I do miss everyone and I feel like I'm hopelessly at a crisis.
I had this realization, as I'm sitting at my home health work, my stomach hurting like crazy from the extremely large dominos meal I just pigged out on, how increasingly uncomfortable I feel!!! And the issue thAt.... I just helped my patients mom carry a tv up the stairs. Now it used to be activity like that was easy for me, I could lift couches and move around houses and not be tired. Now I am winded, couldn't catch my breath. Like really???? What happened to me?!?!?! I used to be a beast!
No I know part of it is from where I'm getting over a really bad case of bronchitis, but I feel in my heart that that only contributed like 40% to the shortness of breath. I mean really what happened to me??? I'm back above 250 too and when I realized that I wanted to cry.
I ordered food today, and even though I knew I was full it just seemed like while there was food in front of me I couldn't stop eating it. Where did all of my self control go?? Now it's like I have none. I'm honestly so full and uncomfortable that I feel like If I could throw up it would make me feel better. But I refuse to give into that urge cause I have never been bulimic and don't want to fall into that route.
But I'm so at a loss I feel like I could crawl into a hole. I used to NEVER drink soda. Now I'm looking at my water bottle, full of sprite, having finished almost a 2 liter in 4 hours, confused. How did I let myself get to this point. Where did my motivation and willpower and self control go? I'm honestly ashamed of myself. Half of me wishing I could win the lottery so that I could afford plastic surgery. But that's not really the route I want to go. I sit here And remember how good I felt at 210, and how I have 2 drawers full of clothes that I can't wear cause I'm too fat, but I'm loathe to give them away cause there are some really cute scrubs in there that I want to be able to wear again. Many outfits still have the tags on them.
Why does it seem that I am never gonna be able to reach a goal of 170, or even under 200? Why does it seem like everyone can get up the motivation but
me? I hate being this way, I hate feeling this way. Like I can't move, I'm always tired and exhausted, no motivation or self control, just completely helpless. Groggy and slushy if you can picture what that would feel like.
This back and forth thing is taking a toll on my body too, my skin used to he very tight, now I'm ashamed to see what my thighs and stomach and even my arms look like, my arms NEVER looked like this, now with this up and down weight and dieting thing I feel worse thAn when I first started.
Why can't I fix myself??
Something needs to change, but how do I change it? I can't even make myself go on my daily walks and I used to ADORE my daily walks.
Omg I feel defeated in a way.
So this is my pathetic cry for help, I've always been up beat before, but now it seems like I'm not myself anymore.
Am I the only one that has experienced this? It feels like I'm alone right now.
It's weird, I used to be so upbeat and energetic and cheerful.
:( :'( :( :'(