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My cry for HELP

Friday, March 15, 2013

Im typing on my iphone so please excuse any spelling errors.
im mormally such an upbeat energetic motivated person but lately something has changed, I feel defeated, and I need help. Not "professional help" just help from friends/people that have been there and can understand.

so this is my cry for help.
I haven't done a blog entry in forever and a day, I do miss everyone and I feel like I'm hopelessly at a crisis.
I had this realization, as I'm sitting at my home health work, my stomach hurting like crazy from the extremely large dominos meal I just pigged out on, how increasingly uncomfortable I feel!!! And the issue thAt.... I just helped my patients mom carry a tv up the stairs. Now it used to be activity like that was easy for me, I could lift couches and move around houses and not be tired. Now I am winded, couldn't catch my breath. Like really???? What happened to me?!?!?! I used to be a beast!
No I know part of it is from where I'm getting over a really bad case of bronchitis, but I feel in my heart that that only contributed like 40% to the shortness of breath. I mean really what happened to me??? I'm back above 250 too and when I realized that I wanted to cry.
I ordered food today, and even though I knew I was full it just seemed like while there was food in front of me I couldn't stop eating it. Where did all of my self control go?? Now it's like I have none. I'm honestly so full and uncomfortable that I feel like If I could throw up it would make me feel better. But I refuse to give into that urge cause I have never been bulimic and don't want to fall into that route.
But I'm so at a loss I feel like I could crawl into a hole. I used to NEVER drink soda. Now I'm looking at my water bottle, full of sprite, having finished almost a 2 liter in 4 hours, confused. How did I let myself get to this point. Where did my motivation and willpower and self control go? I'm honestly ashamed of myself. Half of me wishing I could win the lottery so that I could afford plastic surgery. But that's not really the route I want to go. I sit here And remember how good I felt at 210, and how I have 2 drawers full of clothes that I can't wear cause I'm too fat, but I'm loathe to give them away cause there are some really cute scrubs in there that I want to be able to wear again. Many outfits still have the tags on them.
Why does it seem that I am never gonna be able to reach a goal of 170, or even under 200? Why does it seem like everyone can get up the motivation but
me? I hate being this way, I hate feeling this way. Like I can't move, I'm always tired and exhausted, no motivation or self control, just completely helpless. Groggy and slushy if you can picture what that would feel like.
This back and forth thing is taking a toll on my body too, my skin used to he very tight, now I'm ashamed to see what my thighs and stomach and even my arms look like, my arms NEVER looked like this, now with this up and down weight and dieting thing I feel worse thAn when I first started.
Why can't I fix myself??
Something needs to change, but how do I change it? I can't even make myself go on my daily walks and I used to ADORE my daily walks.
Omg I feel defeated in a way.
So this is my pathetic cry for help, I've always been up beat before, but now it seems like I'm not myself anymore.
Am I the only one that has experienced this? It feels like I'm alone right now.
It's weird, I used to be so upbeat and energetic and cheerful.
:( :'( :( :'(
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I want to tell everyone, thank you SOOOOO much for all of your responses and comforting words! It has helped a lot, I have reread each one multiple times. Thank you thank you for responding to my cry for help :) you all are amazing!!!
    1805 days ago
  • ANGELN325
    You are not alone. I'm trying to get on a downward trend after regaining almost all of the weight I had lost. It's not a good place to be, but I decided I would not focus on the scale and focus on health since the stubborn scale is what killed my motivation in the first place. So I picked sleep and set a goal of getting 7 hours a day after successfully meeting 6. When I was doing pretty good with that goal, I got my water kick going and now I'm concentrating on fruit so I agree with everyone...start small. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. So focus on today. Today is your fresh start. Today you begin anew. You can do this! Forget the scale. This is about you and your health. This is about you being able to do things. You are still a beast. Find your inner beast and let her out. Do something really nice for yourself. Give yourself a facial, pedicure, something that will leave you feeling pretty and worthy of self care because we need to get away from this losing weight mantra and say we are on a self-care mantra. I'm not trying to lose weight anymore. I'm trying to learn how to properly take care of my body so I'm a well oiled machine. What say ye?
    1806 days ago
    Don't be too hard on yourself. We all have our moments. Hang in there. Just find one thing to do today. One day at a time. Small steps will lead to big results.

    emoticon emoticon
    1806 days ago
    Don't beat yourself. Just start out with small goals. You have so many people at Spark that are there for you. So glad you asked for help. Everyone is here for you. Together we can do it. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1807 days ago
    You are not alone!! Seven years ago I lost 76 lbs and was down from 250 to 174 (around that). Then I went through an emotional crisis and instead of keeping myself going in the right direct I started eating again and I don't think I've stopped in 6 years! Well until 2 weeks ago. I had a total hysterectomy last October so now I'm going through menopause and can't seem to lose like I did just a year ago. I'm up to 261 and cried when I saw that number.

    Sometimes when I've been feeling like you do I just have to go through the motions of eating well and FORGIVE yourself for screwing it up and get right back on that horse again. Do something nice for yourself that has nothing to do with food. It's so hard to get out of that funk but you will...you aren't alone and you have a whole community behind you. Please don't give up!

    1807 days ago
  • MINEA999
    Oh honey you are SO not alone. TRUST ME. I know exactly where you are and how you're feeling. I once went from 330 to 249 lbs. I worked damn hard for it, I was so strict with my eating, I exercised all the time. But then life got in the way. And I gained a few, and I gained a few more and a few years later I stood on that scale and saw that I was right back where I started. I cried and cried and thought well 'f*ck it, I'm just meant to be fat and I'm going to eat my feelings' - which I continued to do for a long time.

    I know what it's like to be so full from some enormous take-out meal that I can barely walk and wonder why I couldn't stop eating it, why I didn't have an 'off' switch. And the groggy and slushy feeling? Yep - I know that too. I can chalk it up to one thing that I read many years ago: "If you EAT like crap, you THINK like crap and you FEEL like crap" And I have found that to be true so many times. Once I started eating the fresh vegetables and controlling my intake, my ability to concentrate has improved, my thinking patterns have improved, my determination has improved.

    What it takes is one small step forward. You can't get up tomorrow morning and decide that you've turned over a new leaf and instantly will kick all your bad habits. It just doesn't work that way and it's the quickest way to failure. So pick one thing. Just ONE thing that you think you could do this week. Let's say - cutting out soda. You can eat whatever you want and not exercise if you don't want to, but can you cut out soda for a week? And if you can, and you get to the end of the week, what's the next thing that you can change? Something small - pick one challenge. In order to move a mountain you have to do it shovel by shovel, you can't just pick it all up at once.

    This is how I restarted - I started with cutting out soda and adding one serving of fruit or vegetables a day (yes seriously, I would go all day without eating any fruit or vegetables - often!). Just for the week - I changed nothing else. I'm not that far along my new journey but I'm now at a point where I'm tracking all of my food, am up to 5-10 'freggies' a day, staying in my calorie range and have reduced my cravings for sweets. I haven't perfected the exercise yet, but I'm working at it. I'm right back at the point that 2 flights of stairs make me completely winded - and it kills me. But I am also working on acceptance. Acceptance of who I am and exactly WHERE I am right now. And keeping in mind that it can change, it can improve if I just continue to try - every day.

    Oh and that closet? Yeah I have that too - including the clothes with tags still on them.

    I think one of the things that affects those of us have lost weight and have gained it back is that we KNOW how damn hard it is. The first time we did it, it was a ton of work, it took a lot of commitment and it likely took quite a while. And now that we're back at square one, we know what kind of battle we're looking at. But you can't let that stop you. Don't look to the top of the mountain right now, just look at this one pile in front of you and move that before you dig into the rest.

    You can do this - your first step was already taken - you came back here!

    Now go on and pick one thing - make it small - but make a commitment to it! emoticon
    1807 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/15/2013 4:26:12 PM
    I understand how you feel. I have been bouncing up and down 15-20 lbs for almost 3 years now. I can't seem to get past 243. Right now I'm on the high end. emoticon It is a choice we have to make everyday and every meal. Try to ease back into your journey. Switch out to diet pop or swap a water for every other pop. There are 2 weeks left in March so make them count. emoticon
    1807 days ago
    Give yourself a goal, may not be a big one. one step you can take towards improvement. In a week or two, add another. For instance. You can do a week without pop. Week two, continue not to drink pop and add walking for 2 hours over the course of the week. Week 3, still no pop, 2-3 hours of walking, no fast food. Things like that. you'll start to notice changes before you know it.
    1807 days ago
    My friend, it must have been meant for me to drop by your blog. I started a team about 10 days ago where the members have a partner to share their goals with and to have weekly spark mails to encourage and motivate us to do our best.
    This team is called Partnership Accountability to the Finish Line. If you are interested, you can click on that icon from my sparks page. It is the first one listed under the teams that I have joined.

    We are here for you if you are interested. WE would love to have you.

    Hope so much to see you there. emoticon emoticon
    1807 days ago
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