Friday, March 15, 2013
Ever since about first grade, I've been heavier than I should have been. I wore larger dresses than other girls. I had to start wearing women's clothes when I was 11 because I didn't fit into juniors/kids. Fitness competitions were always disappointing because I could never run as fast or do as many situps as any of the other kids. The only time I got a "Red Star" on my fitness chart (the lowest marker, BTW) was when another girl lied and said I did more situps than I had.
Once I started going to the doctor more frequently as a teen, I got used to every doctor giving me the weight spiel. "How much do you exercise?" "What kind of exercises do you do?" "What do you eat?" "You know, just hop on the bike a bit more and try to shed those 50 pounds." "You know, the heavier you are, the more susceptible you are to diabetes."
If you gave me the choice between walking/biking and reading, I'd read. If you gave me the choice between a bowl of carrots and a bowl of ice cream, I'd take the ice cream. That's the kind of girl I am - unfortunately, the kind of girl that got me to the unhealthy weight of 268.
I don't know what life being normal weight is. I don't know what it's like to go to a doctor and not have my weight brought up along with a 15 minute long talk about how I should lose weight. I've dreamed plenty about being normal weight, but I've never gotten there.
But I have had it. I'm tired of being the "fat kid". I'm tired of being the heaviest of my friends. I'm tired of having to listen to the same talk about my weight with my doctor. I'm tired of food controlling me, of not having the energy to do what I want. I'm tired of squeezing into clothes that look "meh" on me, of squeezing into airplane seats and being uncomfortable for a 3+ hour flight, of squeezing into life.
I've lost a grand total of 58 pounds. I am so proud of my accomplishment! It tells me that I CAN lose weight, that I CAN be the woman that is hiding in the fat. And knowing that I've dropped this much weight, I don't see the next 60 pounds to take me to my "ideal weight" of 150 that far off.