Friday, March 15, 2013
The other day (Wednesday) was my husband's birthday. The one thing he wanted was some intimate time with me, if you get my drift. He came on REALLY strong and I was very resistant and unresponsive. Weds. was also the day I weighed myself and discovered just how bad things had gotten with my weight. Up 18 lbs (since October). I seriously flipped out and I felt just terrible about myself.
So when he came on to me in the evening, I wanted NOTHING to do with him. He felt rejected. I felt just fat and ugly and also bad because I knew I had hurt his feelings, too. Finally we went into the bedroom and we talked about it. I was able to explain to him that I was really feeling badly about myself and my body and how out of control I felt and it wasn't about not wanting him.
He told me he loved me and still wanted me. He reminded me that when we met I weighed 300 lbs and was still that when we got married, 8 years ago. He said he would love me if I went back to that and even if I got to 400 lbs, though he hoped I wouldn't do that to myself. He reminded me that this is a lifetime journey and that there will be bumps in the road. He reminded me it didn't happen overnight and that this gain happened over 5 months, not just a week or two. These words helped me a lot.
I thought I had been paying attention and at least maintaining and didn't realize how out of control I had gotten. I do think most of the weight came on recently and I was able to figure out what things may have caused it.. We have been having oil popped popcorn late at night almost every night - with powdered cheddar cheese on top, and i eat it even if I'm not hungry - a big bowl. Also, I recently found locally made bread and it's just fabulous! So I've had that daily, usually twice a day 2 pieces at a time with butter. Too much. And the dark chocolate at night - rather than one serving, I eat half or more of the large bar. Too much. Need better control. Also need to step up my exercise - more walking and more dancing. I do usually walk every day, but not quite enough. I haven't hit my 10,000 step goal in a long time.
And then - my husband reminded me that I have probably been eating emotionally, he pretty much guaranteed that and had seen it. It's true. In the last two months I've been dealing with my mother's declining health issues and my awareness about them now.. and then exactly a month ago I was told that my job won't be continuing next year. So those things have really hit me hard and I guess I have allowed myself to be less active and to eat more and less in control than before.
I am glad he was able to just listen to me and give me the support I needed. He understood it wasn't about him. I was finally able to give him back what he wanted and have fun with it. Geez, I don't want my body issues to prevent intimacy. That would be truly terrible ... So in the end, I felt better about myself and where I was going, I felt supported, and things were better between my husband and I.