Thursday, March 14, 2013
So recently I've had the misfortune of having my heart broken.
I kind of set myself up for it, really. People say that one of the worst mistakes you can make is falling for a guy friend, and perhaps there is some truth to that. But it was really hard for me because this guy friend (here I'll call him N) is basically everything I've ever wanted in a significant other.
[Now, before I continue, let me just say that I'm not the lovey-dovey relationship-seeking type. In fact, I value my independence more many things in life. I hate feeling tied down to things or like I'm being pigeonholed. From the get-go, I've basically accepted that I probably will never get married because I'm just so non-traditional as a woman that I find it hard to believe that any guy will ever like me since I'm not soft or delicate in any terms of the words. I'm very much a tough girl that can fend for herself, and I have no shame in that. Too bad that seems to intimidate most guys. ]
But anyways, back to the main point of this.
N was, and still remains now, one of my closest friends in college. I met him only a few months ago - October-ish I believe - but we've gotten fairly close during that time. I think that in all honesty, we are each other's closest friends in college right now. Enter the confusion between friendship and something more. We've spent hours talking about everything under the sun from movies to video games to societal dysfunction to philosophy to even families and relationships. He's a never-ending source of knowledge and every time I'm with him, I just feel so comfortable and engaged. Our conversations go on forever, though it always seems like just a little time has passed. Part of it also probably stems from our roles in our friend-group. Since we're in the same program at our school, our circle of friends is much the same and within it, we are casually referred to as "Mommy" and "Daddy" since we're the more responsible, mature ones in the group. Where everyone else tends to not think about things like conserving energy and picking up after others, we're the two that are always turning off lights and cleaning up any trash left behind. Everyone said that we're perfect for each other; and I guess in a dumb move, I believed them.
So I confessed to him that I liked him. It wasn't anything formal really, just a brief disclosure on our way to ballroom class that we both take. He let me down really nicely - just said that he was sorry, but he just didn't feel the same way. I was crushed, but I put on a brave face because I value our friendship more than a relationship that never was.
A month has passed since then, and the feelings are gradually starting to trickle away. But now I just kind of wonder if I'll ever have a significant other. I'm still really close to N and some call him my "pseudo-boyfriend," which I suppose given the way that we are so close, it's somewhat fitting.
But I just kind of wonder, if even a relationship as close as ours is can't work out for me in that way, will anything ever? I mean, I'm very much "one of the guys" and many of my close friends are guys. Sometimes, though, I kind of wish that I could have a boyfriend. Just someone to get me on a deeper level and that really loves me. Maybe that's selfish. I have plenty of family and friends that I love and that love me. But with my roommate having about 5 other guys coming after her and my other college friend having guys hitting on her all the time and her complaining that no one likes her, it's sometimes hard to not feel kind of inadequate. After all, no guy has ever shown any interest in me. Not that I want a meaningless relationship, but I guess it'd just be nice to know that I'm not unlovable or something. I know I'm probably not, but sometimes in life you just kind of have to wonder. :P