Thursday, March 14, 2013
I have been living around my weight loss and education. I have been so focused on those two things that I haven't been doing anything else. I realize that I go to school, or I go to the gym, and then it's like any time between that is just waiting until I have the opportunity to do it again. That's not living! The boredom I feel in between is spent sitting around watching television, surfing the net, or more recently, those two PLUS eating.
I realized that I felt like weight loss and being a good student were the only two things I was using to define myself as 'acceptable'. I felt like if I didn't do well in those two things, I was a complete failure. The funny thing about all that is the fact that I haven't actually failed in any of those two things. I put these ridiculously high standards on myself and even when I'm doing well, I think "well it could have been better" or even though I've lost as much weight as I have, I think "well, I could have lost it faster or sooner". I felt like being congratulated for losing weight was like congratulating someone for getting out of prison. They shouldn't have been there in the first place. I shouldn't have let myself become overweight in the first place. I didn't feel that way at all about other people. Other people have health issues or other factors beyond their control, but knowing ME and my story, I felt like I shouldn't have ever gotten to that point in the first place.
But that's not the proper way to handle this. I'm not a failure nor am I perfect, and I'm not going to always achieve on schedule. I'm more than my weight and my education. I'm someone's future wife. I'm someone's daughter. I'm someone's sister and cousin and grand daughter. I'm an artist and musician!
I got upset last term because I got a B. A B+ at that! That's still LOADS better than I could have done. I'm looking at the possibility of getting a C or a low B this term in my statistics class. Is that any reason to freak out? Absolutely not! I'm a sociology major not a math major. I'm sure when I file my graduate school application, they'll see the B's or possibly the C, but among that, they'll see my other awesome grades and (I hope) a published senior thesis. Even if I don't get accepted right away, life happens, and it's better to let it wash over me than to try to fight what I cannot control. I will do my best, and let whatever outside factors work in the way they will.
I am so self-critical that I can hardly take a compliment. I put all of my own fears or self criticisms and make myself believe that other people are feeling them about me. That's SO not true! Sure, there will be people who legitimately think I'm just a lazy fat girl, and for a while, I was angry because I was noticing that people were starting to talk to me more, but the reality is when I was 330 pounds, I was MISERABLE. So much so that I didn't let anyone in! That's not a flaw on anyone's part. I was the stereotypical "angry fat girl". It's likely I put off a vibe that I didn't want anyone around so naturally, no one would talk to me.
I'm learning how to love myself and stop being so critical. I'm learning to enjoy other aspects of my personality and maybe even cure some of this boredom by picking up some of my hobbies again. I have a sewing machine that I have yet to tinker around with. I'd LOVE to be able to make a skirt, or SOMETHING some day. I also have my acrylic paints, and my sketch book. Heck, I even have a trumpet that hasn't been played in for ever. I am more than my weight loss. I am more than just a student. I tend to take a goal and run with it. While it's helped me with quite a few things, I feel that I've been too focused. I feel like I focus too much on weight loss, and then my grades will suffer. I feel like when I focus too much on school, my weight loss slips. It's because I'm giving to much time to each thing.
This lifestyle change is about balance with all aspects. It's going to take time to get back into the groove of things, but I think with this new way of thinking, I'll be able to not only keep my weight loss going, but also continue succeeding with school. I also want to find a job. It's better that I learn to balance now rather than wait. It's going to be a fact of life.
I want to stop being so critical of myself. I'm not stupid. My goals are not stupid. Things that hurt me in the past are not stupid. I don't want to just lose weight. I want to get better. I want to be the best possible ME and that includes the flaws and the possibility of failure.
The food thing, I can help it. The perfectionist attitude-I can fix that too. I'm a damn good student, and my "average" is already above "average".
Dare I say, I'm back? I guess only time will tell. The good news is I haven't gained any weight. If anything, I kind of maintained. I exercised today too so that's good. I feel a lot better now than I did this morning or even yesterday. I've got some habits to change, and this time I'm actually looking forward to it.