Feeling unattracted to my husband
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
When I met my husband he had many great qualities (and still does) but a few I really treasured. For one, he was really good looking (still is, I can't tell you how many women hit on him EVERYWHERE we go), was fit, was very good with money, and unbelievably neat for a single guy.
He worked 60 hours a week and as a hobby trained to cage fight. We actually met at a strip club (haha, try coming up with a random place you met every time someone asks how you met) one night when a fight he was going to got canceled. We lived in two different towns and didn't have any of the same friends. Talk about chance.
Fast forward a couple of years and I told him he needed to quit fighting. For one, he never saw me (now I wish he would get out of the house)... and also we were starting to take on more responsibilities and we simply could not afford broken bones or other down time damage. It was just a mature decision.
Fast forward to before our wedding we both had gotten in this terrible slump. That's when my weight crept up to its highest and I really didn't care. I was tired.... all the time. We went to work, came home.... ate enough to feed four people and went to bed. Talk about a rut. Thing is... I didn't know how bad of a rut we were in until I started losing weight and getting more active.
I have my lazy days.... and there are weeks were I could do more but I do my best to stay far away from that rut.
My husband at one point in my journey started working out with me. I REALLY liked it. He motviated me and we had fun together (atleast I was having fun not having to do everything alone all the time). That has stopped completely.
Fast forward to now.... I try to stay active almost every day of the week. Some days I just try to go for a walk.... just to get out! I work a full time job... I take full time college classes.... and now I'm the only person that takes care of the house. I also help manage our farm. I have too much on my plate.
One trait I treasured about my husband no matter how silly it seems is how neat he was. His house was always so.... clean. I was so surprised that a guy lived there. I tell him all the time now that he needs to help me. He probably hasn't done any laundry in two years and just comes home and sits.
He literally comes home. Sits. Eats. Goes to bed. We do stuff on the weekends but he doesn't lift a finger during the week. He will help me here and there with the house when I ask but I don't think I should have to ask.
I talked to him tonight about going back to work out with me and he told me he works too much during the day (their hours have changed and he works less now than when we met, usually just 40 hours or a little bit over). Given.... he is a machinist and a farmer... he does do a lot of hard lifting during the day. He does not have an office job like me. But I don't think that's an excuse considering when we met he was fit. Since then he has probably gained 30-40 pounds. I've been there and done the whole weight gain thing and he never complained so I feel bad about criticizing him about it.
I reminded him about when he used to train.... he said.... well then I had a goal. I don't understand not taking care of yourself at all because their isn't some trophy at the end.
I just don't know what to do. I may not be perfect but atleast I've been awakened to the old lifestyle. I feel unattracted to who he has turned into and there is no talking about it.
Member Comments About This Blog Post
There are two things that need to be checked out. First, he needs to get a complete physical to make sure there are no underlying physical problems. Then, he needs to be evaluated for depression/anxiety. I found the best way to help my husband with weight was to feed him healthy food. If he didn't like it he didn't have to eat it, but I didn't prepare anything else nor keep any junk food in the house. If the housework is overwhelming, hire someone to help you. Make sure it is clear where the money is coming from and make it come from something that "hurts." Everyone has to come to their own conclusions about getting and staying healthy. To a certain extent, that is about all you can do.
1565 days ago
Sparkpeople is a safe place to vent. I'm sorry your relationship is in a rut. Just remember; the more you nag, the more he will resent you. Best of luck.
1565 days ago
I'm in a similar situation with my husband. When we met, he was too skinny. Now he has a bulging gut that rolls over the front of his pants. We used to ride bikes, go to the gym, and walk together. In the past 2 years, whenever I would go to the gym, he would refuse to go.
I think all couples go through periods when they diverge. I was once told that the secret to negotiations and influencing people is to convince them it was their idea all along. My husband will never get up and exercise if I keep telling him he needs to do it. As I lost weight and kept doing it without him, he occasionally says, "I need to get more exercise." What a great idea! ;)
Sometimes the best way to get someone to want to be included is to have a great time without them.
1565 days ago
Comment edited on: 3/14/2013 12:14:11 PM
"That's when my weight crept up to its highest and I really didn't care. I was tired.... all the time. We went to work, came home.... ate enough to feed four people and went to bed. Talk about a rut. Thing is... I didn't know how bad of a rut we were in until I started losing weight and getting more active.."
"I don't understand not taking care of yourself at all because their isn't some trophy at the end."
I see a contradiction here. You've been in periods of low or no motivation too. What exactly motivated you to get off your duff, figure out the best way to lose the weight, etc.?
You have to try to help him find his own motivation to do what needs to be done. He's an adult, you can't MAKE him do anything he doesn't want to do. The trick is to help him figure out where his "switch" is at.
If you're planning a family someday, that can be an EXCELLENT motivator. You'll both need all the energy and health you can muster to produce a healthy child and then raise it. I wish I had known everything I know now 18 or more years ago!
And if he knows you're turned off by his low energy and his beer belly he might take you more seriously.
As to the housekeeping - FlyLady to the rescue (again). Rule #1 of FlyLady is this:
"Whining is Not Allowed"
She's a real nice lady, but don't get her started on "martyrs", lol! She would wag a finger at you about not asking for help. "He can't read your mind, nor would you want him to!"
My 3 guys are total slobs. I have periodically exploded at them all, to no avail. I still get irritated when (like last night) I have to do more than my "fair share" of the household tasks, but the truth is, it matters WAYYYY more to me than it does to them, so if it's important to get done, then I either do it myself or tell them that it needs to be done. Another Fly-ism is "If Momma ain't happy then ain't NOBODY happy." They know that and usually comply when I ask them to. ;)
I am slowly but surely moving my household to a much lower carb lifestyle, but it has to be done in gradual steps or they'll all balk. The first time we had spaghetti sauce over spaghetti squash they looked at me like I'd gone mad! They don't even blink over it now. Little by little healthier choices are coming in and bad ones are not being bought again.
My DH and I are going through something similar at the moment, only this is over his total laziness around the house WHILE HE'S LAID OFF AND (SHOULD BE) HOME ALL DAY. Grrrrrr.
Words will be exchanged, accusations will fly, silence will descend, then we'll make new rules and roles and move on. Again.
Good luck. You're a smart lady, I'm betting you will figure it out!
1565 days ago
Comment edited on: 3/14/2013 11:56:36 AM
One day he will reach the point where he wants more for himself in the health department. All you can really do is love him till he gets there. My sweeties saw me working out and getting more fit. He didn't decide he wanted change until about two years later. Find the things that make ya'll closer. They are still there.
1565 days ago
I'm not currently married. But most of my friends have had the SAME experience. I think it is normal to have highs and lows in the chemistry that attracts a couple. And it takes work to keep a relationship going. My girlfriend (whose husband gained over 100 pounds) loves him but finds it hard to be attracted to him. And most of us that got too heavy have had the same thing happen to us (I sure felt that way in MY last relationship). I wish you all the best.
One thing to consider -- Your husband may be attracted to DIFFERENT kinds of staying fit, particularly since he was a fighter before -- he might be more interested in something macho like boot camp, or an athletic fight program like kung fu ... Best wishes to you both!
1565 days ago
I don't want this to come across as rude - I really don't intend it that way.
Should you be talking to us about all this - or him? You say at the end here that there is no talking about it... communication and intimacy - at the core of every successful marriage. If you don't have one, you can't have the other. The best advice anyone can give you here is to talk to your husband. If you can't do that or wont do that, are you really invested in this marriage?
1565 days ago
I can only say that for me it was essential to eat low-carb to have energy enough to exercise. You say that your husband does a lot of physical work. He may very well be too tired physically because poor eating that we get away with when we are young are affecting us much more as we get older. This may be even harder then to get him to exercise, LOL, but I would encourage him to have some bloodwork done and check for metabolic syndrome. If he has high blood pressure, insulin resistance, mostly belly fat, and his lipid panel shows low HDL cholesterol and high Triglycerides then drastically lowering carbohydrates may help him to gain more energy.
From how you described your own schedule I think you might want to learn from him and rest after a long day's work. Maybe you can either go to school or work full-time if you also spend time managing the farm and taking care of the house. That just sounds insane to me, to be honest. You have a good chance of burning out hormonally soon if you try to keep that up. If someone else told you they were doing all that and were tired a lot what would you recommend for them to do?
1566 days ago
Every relationship goes through slumps. My fiance and I went through something similar not too awful long ago. When he played soccer, we used to do stuff all the time. But now that he doesn't, all he does is sleep, eat, and play video games. We don't go hardly anywhere anymore. Men are like warriors. They need some semblance of a prize in order to be motivated to live, or do anything. I don't know why that is, but it is. You've got to be supportive of him, and while, yes, he should help you out, try to understand what his mind is going through too. Right now his main focus is probably on the routine of working and providing for his family. Believe me, I know this is a crazy hard thing to do, but if love really does conquer all, then love will overcome this dry spell. Just try to encourage him, and be patient. It will all work out in the end! Best wishes!
1566 days ago
Try to think of the good qualities. For better or worse. Good luck
1566 days ago
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