Wednesday, March 13, 2013
I’m really starting to think I am obsessed with food.. Seriously is there such a disorder?
I was actually at the doctors the other day and going through some quick standard questions (do you smoke, drink, exercise? Ect.) she asked me if I have an eating disorder…. I was a little shocked because honestly when I hear the phrase “eating disorder” I think of super skinny people, I also thought “umm look at me do I look like I starve myself?!?!” so I smiled and said yes! I’m a food addict, I over eat and abuse food technically, I quickly threw in that I’m in recovery ;0) As funny as a thought that is to me it is very true I notice that I sit here working away and all I can think of is what I will have for lunch, snack and dinner… when I am not even hungry! I seriously have such a love obsession with food and honestly I hate it. It’s like being in love/obsessed with someone who doesn’t care about you. I think it has been weird to me because lately I have been so stressed and going through so many changes that honestly nothing sounds good which is a weird feeling for me but I still can’t stop thinking about food and it boggles my mind that nothing sounds good! I’m hoping that this is a shift in my thinking and mental behaviors because it has been easier to stay away and say no to bad foods lately but I do still think/obsess over food..
I can think back to pre-teen age when I would wait until my parents would leave so I could binge which should have told me there was something completely wrong with my relationship with food, I remember my dad had a very close friend from Germany he was very honest/frank about what he said and one time he walked into my parents’ home, looked at me and said “you are always eating, every time I see you, you are eating something” I was about 14 and mortified by that statement, he didn’t say anything about my weight or make any kind of weight related comments but I knew I was overweight and his comment brought to light what I thought no one else knew. Obviously I have never forgotten that and even later when he would show up even if it was dinner time I would stop and leave the room I was ultra-careful to make sure anytime he saw me I was not eating a thing! Looking back if I am trying to eat something is secret then I probably shouldn’t be eating it… I’ve also learned we humans can justify the heck out of anything, if I want something bad enough I can make excuses “I did so good this week I deserve a burger” something like that or I am just not feeling well today so counting my calories is too hard and oh how my co-workers will jump on my justifying pity party with me saying things like “surely it wouldn’t hurt you to eat that just today” don’t get me wrong they mean well but my inner fat-girl/bad judgment needs no help in this department. What makes me think that I am changing mentally is I am able to step back and think “yes I am not feeling well today but that food isn’t going to make me feel better and maybe make me feel even worse” I’m now able to realize I am just using an excuse and justifying my poor choices (this isn’t a complete change yet I still have my not so great days) but I am getting better at it.
This is a very shameful blog for me to write/admit and it feels a bit like sharing my dark secrets but I think the best approach to help this part of me is facing her (my inner excuse making binger), admitting I have created a problem and now am correcting it.