Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Ever since I can remember, I have had a complicated relationship with my scale. Sometimes it gives me good news - "I didn't gain any weight!" "I lost a pound!" But in my experience, most of the time the scale has been my enemy. It is the device that tells me that I've failed. It is the device doctors have used to chastise me about being overweight and to lose more weight. It has been the tool I brutally use to chastise myself.
Whenever I am losing weight and the scale steadily goes down, we are friends. The last few months, I've mostly enjoyed hopping on the scale, knowing that the number would be smaller than the week before.
Last night, I kinda felt my old fear. I hopped on the scale after a shower and noticed that the number was UP instead of DOWN. I felt my stomach sink. I despaired - I can't gain that weight back! I can't! Maybe it was because it was late. Maybe it was because I ate.
This morning, I hopped back on the scale and watched it hover between 210 and 211. My heart slowed to its normal rhythm. Not the best news (I'd rather see it under 210), but not horrible. And then I started to think about my complicated relationship with the scale.
Imagine that you are dating this person who makes you feel bad. He or she nags on you for when you do wrong or even when you do something good, he or she makes you feel bad that you didn't do enough. A relationship counselor would probably tell you to ditch the person and find someone who will encourage you and build you up, instead of tear you down.
That's what I need to do with my scale. We need to break up. It's not me, it's you, Scale. You and what society tells me you represent need to go. I am a great person, regardless of that number that you show. Your stuff is in that corner, get a box, get out.
While the scale is what I need for having a gauge of my progress, I need to divorce myself of the feelings of happiness or despair that comes from stepping on it. I fit into size 16 jeans comfortably! My old fat clothes are gone! I eat healthier foods more regularly! I drink more water! I sleep better! THESE are the things that should be making me happy or sad, not me and my troubled relationship with the scale.
So long, Scale! It was nice...actually, I'm glad to see you go. Don't let the door hit your butt on the way out :)