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Self, Food & God

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

“Women, Food & God” Let me first say this is amazing book! I am part of the way through it, and Geene Roth is just nailing where I am at on a personal level.
Over the past 12 month’s I have slowly had 12 pounds creep up on me, and still had another 5 pounds to lose. So here I am March 2013 and trying to lose 17 pounds.

I am so angry and resistant to this very idea, and I find myself saying “really for the rest of my life I am going have to watch like a hawk, WTF?!? – this is awful- I am sick of doing the work – I want to be naturally my health body weight, effortlessly!”

Then my mind goes to the place where “I wonder if there something wrong with my thyroid, my mother’s thyroid just stopped working. I am trying it’s not working, maybe my thyroid is going?” … Then on to the mother “ those stupid women” - there’s a Freudian slip ? “How I hate her – no I need to be forgiving and loving and accepting – no I do not! How in the hell does a woman give birth and walk away from her kids to go worship on a commune, was it the sexual openness? Was it the drugs? Why the hell is she allowed to avoid the confrontation – why will she not be close to me? but will be close to my brother?” … oh yes I remember she remembered she left him too, even as an adult when he really needed support – he just keeps chasing, I refuse to chase, “should I hold a mock funeral since Ambika killed Donna Kay my mother? Would this provide closure?”

“What is my favorite food? Why don’t I ever know what I want for dinner – why is it I only want extremely sweet food? Is it because I think I shouldn't enjoy food or even like it? Therefore I have to have something so extreme that it has to be so intense I can’t deny its awesomeness? How do I move past my issues with my biological mother ….when will the release form that pain be? Why am I living in that pain? “

This is my 12 pound gain and during the 12 months my 20 year old daughter gave birth to the wonderful micro preemie, my grandson, - he was a 28 weeker but only measuring at 23 weeks (1 pound ½ ounces and 10 inches). Z was born in July and came home in November. This is my excuse for weight gain but not the real reason.

I truly believe that weight and physical health are related to our spiritual self, and perception of self. I still have so much work ahead of me, and this 17 pound journey to my “ideal” weight is only about the weight in the sense of how it impacts my physical being.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • CHRISSY-50
    Thank you I appreciate the encouragement. I have tried to have a conversation with my mother but she refuses. We haven't spoken in a few years except at the hospital when my daughter had my grandson. That was just being "nice" to each other. She has no interest in me or having a discussion. I moved to the other side of the country to be near her in 2008 to a town I never had been to, only to have her identify with my then rebellious teenage daughter. She felt that I should not hold my daughter accountable for her actions and that it was perfectly ok for her to experiment with drugs and sex, and then disclosed some personal information to my daughter and myself that I could have lived my whole life not knowing. When I refused to not back down and was my daughters "mother" it ended our relationship because I was to oppressive and controlling just like my father. Then she moved within six months and we don't speak. I have been chasing her since I was 9 years old and at roughly 39 I had to stop. She never wanted to be a mother, she saw marriage as a way out of her parents home. I need to find peace that her rejection of me wasn't me it was of that traditional life/role etc. As a mother it is so hard to wrap your head or heart around that whole idea. My daughter and I have been through some rocky times, but I wouldn't hesitate to be by her side regardless of my opinions. My daughter has thanked me for being tough with her and holding her accountable. She freely admits she hated me for awhile but it was the only way she was going to learn and get her life back on track. I am proud that I stood strong even if it cost what little bit of a relationship I had with my mother. Yes this is one of those issues that I must work through and get past because this type of emotional stuff is not only harmful to weight but to your over all health. Progress may be slow though :)
    1675 days ago
    Absolutely all of ourselves are interconnected...emotional, cognitive, physical, spiritual and each affects the other in pulling ourselves UP or DOWN!

    1679 days ago
  • BILL60
    You have some issues to deal with. Have you been able/willing to confront your mother and let her know your feelings? It would take an awful load off your back. Do not allow outside forces to sabotage your health. And, more importantly, start blaming yourself for the "17" pounds. Hang tough!!
    1679 days ago
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