Wednesday, March 13, 2013
“Women, Food & God” Let me first say this is amazing book! I am part of the way through it, and Geene Roth is just nailing where I am at on a personal level.
Over the past 12 month’s I have slowly had 12 pounds creep up on me, and still had another 5 pounds to lose. So here I am March 2013 and trying to lose 17 pounds.
I am so angry and resistant to this very idea, and I find myself saying “really for the rest of my life I am going have to watch like a hawk, WTF?!? – this is awful- I am sick of doing the work – I want to be naturally my health body weight, effortlessly!”
Then my mind goes to the place where “I wonder if there something wrong with my thyroid, my mother’s thyroid just stopped working. I am trying it’s not working, maybe my thyroid is going?” … Then on to the mother “ those stupid women” - there’s a Freudian slip ? “How I hate her – no I need to be forgiving and loving and accepting – no I do not! How in the hell does a woman give birth and walk away from her kids to go worship on a commune, was it the sexual openness? Was it the drugs? Why the hell is she allowed to avoid the confrontation – why will she not be close to me? but will be close to my brother?” … oh yes I remember she remembered she left him too, even as an adult when he really needed support – he just keeps chasing, I refuse to chase, “should I hold a mock funeral since Ambika killed Donna Kay my mother? Would this provide closure?”
“What is my favorite food? Why don’t I ever know what I want for dinner – why is it I only want extremely sweet food? Is it because I think I shouldn't enjoy food or even like it? Therefore I have to have something so extreme that it has to be so intense I can’t deny its awesomeness? How do I move past my issues with my biological mother ….when will the release form that pain be? Why am I living in that pain? “
This is my 12 pound gain and during the 12 months my 20 year old daughter gave birth to the wonderful micro preemie, my grandson, - he was a 28 weeker but only measuring at 23 weeks (1 pound ½ ounces and 10 inches). Z was born in July and came home in November. This is my excuse for weight gain but not the real reason.
I truly believe that weight and physical health are related to our spiritual self, and perception of self. I still have so much work ahead of me, and this 17 pound journey to my “ideal” weight is only about the weight in the sense of how it impacts my physical being.