well, last night "binx" (ruler of our house, and we're his "subjects") literally helped me NOT do my evening bingeing. he laid on my lap, demanding me to sit, and not get nightly snacks for myself. but this morning the little bugger is here again, holding me from my work out!
all kidding aside... today's spark coach sabotaging, was discussed. and i was supposed to think if there was anyone in my life that would be a saboteur. of course, binx looks at me grinning, i move on...
(don, don DON!-insert creepy music) first, let me say, i KNOW he loves me, and at this point, he has actually supported me more than any other time. but i worry when he might start "un-helping". in the past, he has brought home my fav. sweet snacks
, and when i would say, "no thank you" he would say, "i THOUGHT i was doing something right."
, or he would say we should watch tv, and just relax when i was getting ready to work out. or i might ask him to join me for a walk, that i would really like him there with me, he would say i walk too fast
or he was too tired. then i would just "chill" with him.
lately, he has been more supportive, but still seems to know when i am really faltering. last night he was even making fun (in a joking way) of my new billy blanks (tae bo DVD) work out. how long will his semi-support last before he brings in the "big guns" and take me to my fav restaurant and knows that i will cave.
then i have a sister and a friend who both say things that are less than supportive about clothing i wear when i start to feel good about myself. my sis is heavier like me, but my friend is actually very fit. i can kinda understand my sis saying stuff maybe she is getting jealous or insecure. but why my friend? i must interject here, that i do NOT wear anything that isn't age appropriate, but just a little more flattering than my usual "mom jeans" or baggy shirts and sweats. it really puts my confidence in the toilet. i HAVE said that it hurts a little when they say things, and with most everything else in my life they ARE supportive.
i want to blame them for how i fail, and why i eat so much, or dress "fugly"... i get angry, or don't want to be healthy around them since it hurts to have them be like this when i am trying to be healthy, or boost my confidence. my sis lives in another state, so i don't see her that often, which is good, but still when we are on the phone, she reminds me of my huge "birthing hips", big butt, and nothing looks good on me. (no, tellin' mom doesn't help). and when i am with my friend, and she asks to go out, that is when she starts, or when we are just hanging around the house, she reminds (in a joking way, of course) me of the times that i looked stupid, or just plain silly.
even though i want to blame them... can i really? none of them shovel the food down my throat, they don't tell me what to wear... i have control, i ultimately decide what i eat and what i wear. why do i give them that power?
and i am just too soft or polite or i don't want them mad at me, so i don't say anything anymore.
now, one might say (like i know i would say to my kids), if they can't be nice, then they aren't really your friend, right? well, most of the time, they are great, and i can't really disown my sis, nor do i want to leave my hubby (I LOVE HIM, very much).
i guess i SOMEhow hafta be strong when i am with them. it is difficult though, when i am such a people pleaser, and non-confrontational... (maybe that is why the cat is STILL layin' on me, LOL!)
guess i need to decide how important getting in shape is to me. and see if they are still there after i get to where i want to be. or maybe use my blogs as an outlet, when they affect me.
well, time to be strong, and tell the cat to get off me, so i can work out... as he is looking at me right now with the "i DARE you to get me off your lap" look. maybe this is harder than i thought, or maybe the cat is my biggest saboteur???