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306 - so many thoughts

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

1. It just is NOT okay that I haven't been on SP in over a week. If only I could free myself of the FB black hole and focus my socializing efforts on SP.
2. Sometimes I just think I'm looking for ways to make myself miserable, as if happiness is not something I want in my life. I find endless excuses to complain: about work, the house, life, this baby-making fiasco/journey, money, our future. I'm finding that I'm a negative nelly, a glass half full gal. I always thought the binds of vet school were bringing me down, but could it be that 'I' bring 'ME' down?
3. I stress too much. Today I had to cancel my acupuncture appointment and I seriously STRESSED about it. Not about the fact that I wouldn't get what I need, but what would they think? Would they take it personally? I felt "bad". Why did I feel bad?!?!? It wasn't going to work for me and I needed to reschedule. So why did I feel so bad that my heart was racing and I had a mini panic attack?
4. I don't know who I am anymore. I stressed out so much this morning (see #3) that my immediate reaction was to want FOOD. Bad food. I went to Denny's. I did fine on the proteins and then had the buttermilk pancakes and felt seriously ILL. Then, I was a good girl and went for about a 2 mile walk. As I'm walking in my too-snug hoodie and my Denny's-stuffed pants, I thought to myself, when did I become the person who can barely walk off a Denny's Grand Slam breakfast? As I shuffled along and got oh-so slightly breathless, I passed about 3 runners. Ladies out for a jog. How did I go from THAT to THIS? I was never the athletic runner, but I ran. I jogged. I couldn't wait to pick up the pace. Now I choke on my hoodie and walk breathlessly at a snail's pace.
5. Once on a bad path, I do everything I can to stay on it. Breakfast was the unhealthiest morning food on earth, so I followed up with lunch of half a Lindt white chocolate bar. I walked another 2 miles to get it, but I still ate chocolate for lunch.

I'm in a bad place these days, just like I was in a bad place a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago, 20 years ago. Am I ever in a good place? The truth is, I'm always in a good place, I just never take the time to see it. So many good things are happening in my life with my career, home, my husband. Although our baby-making journey is not over, we're closer than ever to that special being, we've made good progress in that department.

So I guess my question is, what does a person have to do to JUST BE HAPPY?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I know you don't know me well, but we are MyFitness friends, and have a few SP friends in common!

    First off, I am so sorry you are feeling this way, but I can completely relate. Sometimes we just go through rough patches- I think it's a normal part of life. I've been feeling awfully poopy lately, but had an epiphany in the middle of Zumba on Tuesday. I decided to just LET GO of all my negative feelings, and when I leave class, I am going to be in a GOOD mood and appreciate what's around me. Changing my attitude worked. I had a great day yesterday, and so far today is lookin good. We just have to re-wire our brains sometimes, as hard as it may be.

    I agree w/ Julia- find something you ENJOY doing. I bet that will turn your anxiety and negative thoughts around a bit.

    Also, I don't know if you go or have ever been to therapy, but that's an option too. I felt all alone with some issues, so decided to seek a therapist a few months ago. I only went to her 4 times, but it helped. It helped having an unbiased party and get her ideas on my issues and thoughts that I wasn't sure if I had a right to feel that way, etc. Just a thought!

    You can do it! =) Make today a great day, lady! And we are always here to listen.


    1295 days ago
    I just wrote u this long response and lost it AH! Try again: I read this book called the Happiness project, they said one of the big things about happiness is getting your life in order. Getting rid of crap you don't need and decluittering your life. So things are more simple and organized. I know when my house is a mess, I feel suddenly stressed when I walk in. Also she said think back to when you were a kid, what did you like doing? Did you like drawing, writing? Try exploring that again, chances are you will still like it and it will bring joy to your life again. I find a lot of joy in my fitness classes. It seems silly to shake your butt and jump all over the place to hiphop. But I am happy and smiling the whole time and I leave feeling so light and bubbly. It's the little things in life that will make you happy. The big things are changing very slowly and we sit and wait for them to evolve. The small things we do each and every day, those are what is gonna bring happiness into our lives.
    1296 days ago
    Happiness is a choice. You have to make that choice each day or you will make yourself miserable. One way to start on a positive mindset is to count your blessings. Take pen in hand and write a list each morning of your blessings. Spend an afternoon working in a homeless shelter or serve people in a soup kitchen. Sometimes when you're depressed or anxious you forget to be happy and grateful for the simple things we all take for granted - like the food on your table or the roof over your head. As a widow I can tell you, be grateful for the time together with your husband and the prospect of a growing family. Take a deep breath in and calm your mind. Relax. Things are rarely as bad as we fear. I speak from experience. Reading your blog today was like a look back in time at myself at your age. Now I can't believe I used to make myself so crazy over so many things. My employers loved me. I was the crazy Type A employee that got everything done, meticulously and early; sort of the border collie of the work-a-day world. I wish you peace and happiness.
    1296 days ago
    You have to rewire your brain, GF. You have to convince yourself that you deserve to be happy and that you can be. It is up to you. Years ago I didn't think it was possible to be happy but I am happy now.

    As a nurse I noticed that there were people with seemingly horrible lives who were happy and it shocked me. How can you be a quad and be happy?? But I have met some who are. A really cute quadriplegic even asked me for a date when I was single and had everyone who met him rooting for him. He exuded joy and confidence. He was fun!

    I think happiness comes from a conscious decision. Every day I decide I am going to be happy and I almost always am. Even if the day is bad, if bad things happen, I can't let it lead me to the point where I decide I am unhappy and you can't either. Things will never be perfect and you have to leave perfectionism behind in order to embrace the good point you are at now.

    By the way, I love Denny's pancakes. Those are worth an occasional cheat. Life isn't about deprivation. Sometimes we should have some pancakes and a chocolate bar.
    1297 days ago
    You get to the heart of it right at the end - you do have a lot of positives to be happy about and grateful for. I also put myself under immense pressure, beating myself up for the slightest infractions, like cancelling an appointment. For me, giving into that negative voice is a surefire to stay in that hole -- or better yet, dig a deeper one. It can be so tough to pull yourself out but positivity -- even when you're not feeling it at first -- is the antidote. emoticon
    1297 days ago
    Sounds like your dealing with some anxiety. I know the feeling all too well.
    Well, happiness is more of a choice then a destination. Once you decide to change your perspective then you will feel a difference. I think you will conquer your emotions and be successful. You have to believe that too. Just put your best foot forward and try not to be too hard on yourself. After all, your human. Nobody is perfect. And no ones life is stress free.
    1297 days ago
    "Happy is the man who is content with his lot."

    (One of those rabbis who gets quoted in the Talmud."

    Anyway - it's all about attitude. You can learn to see the positive side of things - but it takes practice and concentration. Some people do this naturally, but you can learn to do it as well.
    1297 days ago
  • EWL978
    You have to like yourself first....and then, you just have to keep on keeping on...give it a chance and you'll be just fine!!

    1297 days ago
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