Tuesday, March 12, 2013
1. It just is NOT okay that I haven't been on SP in over a week. If only I could free myself of the FB black hole and focus my socializing efforts on SP.
2. Sometimes I just think I'm looking for ways to make myself miserable, as if happiness is not something I want in my life. I find endless excuses to complain: about work, the house, life, this baby-making fiasco/journey, money, our future. I'm finding that I'm a negative nelly, a glass half full gal. I always thought the binds of vet school were bringing me down, but could it be that 'I' bring 'ME' down?
3. I stress too much. Today I had to cancel my acupuncture appointment and I seriously STRESSED about it. Not about the fact that I wouldn't get what I need, but what would they think? Would they take it personally? I felt "bad". Why did I feel bad?!?!? It wasn't going to work for me and I needed to reschedule. So why did I feel so bad that my heart was racing and I had a mini panic attack?
4. I don't know who I am anymore. I stressed out so much this morning (see #3) that my immediate reaction was to want FOOD. Bad food. I went to Denny's. I did fine on the proteins and then had the buttermilk pancakes and felt seriously ILL. Then, I was a good girl and went for about a 2 mile walk. As I'm walking in my too-snug hoodie and my Denny's-stuffed pants, I thought to myself, when did I become the person who can barely walk off a Denny's Grand Slam breakfast? As I shuffled along and got oh-so slightly breathless, I passed about 3 runners. Ladies out for a jog. How did I go from THAT to THIS? I was never the athletic runner, but I ran. I jogged. I couldn't wait to pick up the pace. Now I choke on my hoodie and walk breathlessly at a snail's pace.
5. Once on a bad path, I do everything I can to stay on it. Breakfast was the unhealthiest morning food on earth, so I followed up with lunch of half a Lindt white chocolate bar. I walked another 2 miles to get it, but I still ate chocolate for lunch.
I'm in a bad place these days, just like I was in a bad place a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago, 20 years ago. Am I ever in a good place? The truth is, I'm always in a good place, I just never take the time to see it. So many good things are happening in my life with my career, home, my husband. Although our baby-making journey is not over, we're closer than ever to that special being, we've made good progress in that department.
So I guess my question is, what does a person have to do to JUST BE HAPPY?