Tuesday, March 12, 2013
I was going to write a post about how even though I lost five pounds I looked in the mirror today and saw some gross back fat.
Yuck...two pieces of my back touching together. I paused in front of my mirror disgusted.
Then, I heard my mom's voice in my mind, even though she has been gone 5 years. She always used to say "if you've got your health, you've got gold."
My mind drifted back to the end of January, when at the same time I had an abnormal pap as well as breast pain that rendered me unable to move my arm and begging multiple doctors for a breast sonogram. Luckily, I had testing and things turned out ok.
Suddenly, the fat on my back looked beautiful. The kidneys it housed, the back without pain, unlike so many poor people.
I reached into my memory and recalled some of the stories I read while researching my symptoms on the internet. Women who were fighting breast cancer just to stay alive, who were begging on forums and blogs for just some more TIME, time to see their kids turn 1 or see their daughter get married.
Brave women who enrolled in clinical trial after trial after trial just to extend their time on this earth...to walk, to learn, to grow, to explore without illness, as I was able to do if I wasn't looking in my mirror at back fat.
Does my son care about my back fat? No, he just wants his mommy healthy and alive to be with him. As I, even though an adult, wanted my own mother who lost her leg to diabetes.
I realized that I want to do this mostly to get healthy. I'm not going to lie and say I wouldn't love to look better, but my main focus has to be on my health.
Part of our health is loving our body and taking care of it.
And, despite my being overweight, for the most part I am pretty healthy.
For this I am grateful.
So...instead of staring at my back fat, I said a silent thank you for my health, gave a silent respect and sorrow for those people fighting deadly illness or crippling pain and counted my blessing.
Then I pulled my shirt over my head and went for a walk.