Tuesday, March 12, 2013
I ate SO terribly yesterday and into the night. I am so ashamed of myself, and I'm so upset because we're already almost halfway through March and I have yet to get truly 'back on track'. My stomach hurt SO terribly. I drank so much soda-and not even the 'diet' kind (not that it would have made it any better).
I feel that the combination of the pain I felt last night (stomach ache+gas/bloating) combined with the fact that I'm not done yet is causing me to realize what is important. I still want to be fit. I want to be healthy. Sure, I've made some great progress, but I'm still not at a healthy weight yet. I'm still not in a body I feel comfortable in.
Every time I eat something crappy, I know it's not going to taste as good as I imagine, yet I keep eating it, as if I'm hoping the next bite, or the next will somehow taste better. In fact, it's the opposite. I know that I'm just trying to fill a void again.
To be honest, I'm not very happy. Sure, I'm in school, and doing great there, and I have the love of my life by my side, but I feel like something's missing. I feel like everyone else has such interesting lives, and here I am...in tiny Monmouth Oregon-without even a car! No job, and no resources to even try something new if I wanted to. I've never gone anywhere special, or done anything amazing. I guess I'm just a little depressed and don't really know how to work through it.
Thankfully, I have an appointment with my counselor on Thursday and I'll get to talk with her. I know that things will get better. I also know that only I can determine where my life goes. I just have to be patient. I'm only 26 years old. I've got my whole life ahead of me. I've got my wonderful fiance to help me through this. We both struggle with the boredom. I just hate this 'in between' time in my life.
Thankfully today I've been eating well. I had oatmeal with a banana and raisins-no sweetener, and some tea-also no sweetener. I really want to break my addiction to "the white stuff". I know that it is hard at first, but if I just stay strong, I will be able to do it.
I also talked with Adam about a goal for next term. I want to go the entire 10-week period without eating at a restaurant, or any fast food of any kind. It will be hard at first-since we do eat out a lot. I also know that it can be done. I know we will save quite a bit of money by not eating out, and any money we don't spend ca go to other things. Our goal this summer is to work and save up for a car to buy in the fall.
I really don't wan to backslide again. I've already shown a 'gain' of about 4 pounds. That's enough for me to reel it in. Even as I sit here at my chair, I see how large my legs still are. I see how deformed my body still appears. The only difference is that I can do more with this body than I could with the 330 pound body. It is much healthier, but I'm just not where I want to be. I feel like I set myself up and say "I'm going to get there", but in the back of my mind there's a voice saying "you won't. Trust me, you won't. You never have, what makes you think you'll do it now?"
I'm just so frustrated, but I really hope that today I'll be able to report being within calorie range. I still want to get to the gym today too.
I can do this. I know I can. I just have to stop doubting myself and stop over thinking it.