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Wake Up Call

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

I ate SO terribly yesterday and into the night. I am so ashamed of myself, and I'm so upset because we're already almost halfway through March and I have yet to get truly 'back on track'. My stomach hurt SO terribly. I drank so much soda-and not even the 'diet' kind (not that it would have made it any better).
I feel that the combination of the pain I felt last night (stomach ache+gas/bloating) combined with the fact that I'm not done yet is causing me to realize what is important. I still want to be fit. I want to be healthy. Sure, I've made some great progress, but I'm still not at a healthy weight yet. I'm still not in a body I feel comfortable in.
Every time I eat something crappy, I know it's not going to taste as good as I imagine, yet I keep eating it, as if I'm hoping the next bite, or the next will somehow taste better. In fact, it's the opposite. I know that I'm just trying to fill a void again.
To be honest, I'm not very happy. Sure, I'm in school, and doing great there, and I have the love of my life by my side, but I feel like something's missing. I feel like everyone else has such interesting lives, and here I am...in tiny Monmouth Oregon-without even a car! No job, and no resources to even try something new if I wanted to. I've never gone anywhere special, or done anything amazing. I guess I'm just a little depressed and don't really know how to work through it.
Thankfully, I have an appointment with my counselor on Thursday and I'll get to talk with her. I know that things will get better. I also know that only I can determine where my life goes. I just have to be patient. I'm only 26 years old. I've got my whole life ahead of me. I've got my wonderful fiance to help me through this. We both struggle with the boredom. I just hate this 'in between' time in my life.
Thankfully today I've been eating well. I had oatmeal with a banana and raisins-no sweetener, and some tea-also no sweetener. I really want to break my addiction to "the white stuff". I know that it is hard at first, but if I just stay strong, I will be able to do it.

I also talked with Adam about a goal for next term. I want to go the entire 10-week period without eating at a restaurant, or any fast food of any kind. It will be hard at first-since we do eat out a lot. I also know that it can be done. I know we will save quite a bit of money by not eating out, and any money we don't spend ca go to other things. Our goal this summer is to work and save up for a car to buy in the fall.

I really don't wan to backslide again. I've already shown a 'gain' of about 4 pounds. That's enough for me to reel it in. Even as I sit here at my chair, I see how large my legs still are. I see how deformed my body still appears. The only difference is that I can do more with this body than I could with the 330 pound body. It is much healthier, but I'm just not where I want to be. I feel like I set myself up and say "I'm going to get there", but in the back of my mind there's a voice saying "you won't. Trust me, you won't. You never have, what makes you think you'll do it now?"

I'm just so frustrated, but I really hope that today I'll be able to report being within calorie range. I still want to get to the gym today too.
I can do this. I know I can. I just have to stop doubting myself and stop over thinking it.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LCISNER6 4/8/2013 8:09AM

    A bit sad over how down you seem in this post. But I know this was a month back and you seem to be doing better now! I completely understand the frustration you vent in the third paragraph; I was feeling the exact same way around the time you posted this, actually. I'd like to point out, though, that I have seen you come to class in your workout clothes and it gives me this image of you where you are meeting your goals and feeling great about how you are doing- I'm sure others see the same thing!

I hope you have gotten past some of these frustrations and that you feel like you are getting back on track by this point. Keep up the good work and never let that vile voice in your mind tell you that you can't do it! : D

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ACYCLINGMIND 3/13/2013 9:18PM

    I totally feel everything you've written about. In fact, thank you for writing it because it makes me feel less alone. A year-and-a-half ago I moved back east to help with the family business. I live in a 600-person town. I have no license that allows me to drive solo. I have very little finances since the family business doesn't operate in the winter and there are no jobs available in this town. Everything you said about food hit me where it hurts: the truth spot. I do the exact.same.thing. On a side note I'm also 26.

I would love to see you get into shape and back on track. That's a semi-selfish request as I think it'll be good motivation for me, too!

Getting off the white stuff can be hard. Have you tried more natural sweeteners like xylitol, honey, stevia or maple syrup? Using those as an alternative to sugar is great and actually has health benefits. And stevia, if you go with that, has no calories in it.

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MJ7DM33 3/12/2013 3:30PM

  emoticon emoticon

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TEALHAWK 3/12/2013 3:26PM

  Yes, you can do this and get through! Keep trying, never give up

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JUNEAU2010 3/12/2013 3:19PM

    I like your money saving goal by not eating out. But how about turning it into a positive fun thing? Try new foods. Try a theme night with new recipes. Pretty soon, you will find yourself making better food than you can make. AND it can be done so you can have "grab and go" food for school and being out and about so that cuts out a possible excuse for literally eating into your car budget.

The grass is greener sometimes. I would love to be in a quiet place right now! (I am in SF Bay Area which is wonderful but can be high pressure) emoticon

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