Tuesday, March 12, 2013
This weight loss journey has been long. Too long actually; this could have been much shorter if I were more disciplined, but hindsights 20/20, right? Every time I turn around another week, month, or year has passed. When did time start flying by? Oh right, around the time I turned 30. The last few months for me with weightloss have been excruciatingly painful; looping around the same mountain, pleading with God to set me free of the bondage of which is my weight, food addiction, and the seemingly never ending cycle of success followed by failure. I've grown tired... exhausted actually. I just want answers. I want results. I want freedom. I want out of the hell I feel I am. The hell of my obesity.
The other day a very clear revelation entered my thought process. "What if you never lose the weight? What then? Are you just going to keep hating yourself forever?"
I never really thought about it that way because I always thought one day, one day hopefully in the not too distant future, I would finally arrive. I would be thinner and healthier and content in myself. These questions stuck in my mind as I thought more deeply about the what ifs. What if I am always this weight, always in this body? What if I never change? What then?
After some thought, things became very clear. "Deborah, no matter what happens, right this minute, you are going to stop hating yourself. The war has ended." The 20 year battle with my body. I refuse to spend another minute of my time planning the war against my weight. Fat has been a distraction for too long. How much life have I missed out on? How many days have I spent depressed and tortured about my weight? How many hours, days, years has my weight consumed my every breath?
Now don't get me wrong. This is not a surrender. Ending the war is not a free pass to become complacent. I have decided to just be. I know what it takes to be healthy; you eat healthy the majority of the time and you be active. What has stopped is my obsessive compulsive food behavior. With me it is either I obsess about what I am eating or I obsess about what I am not eating or I am wallowing in my misery of doing neither. This is not healthy and it is wearing me down. I am exhausted and worn out.
So instead of obsessing about food and making a bazillion plans I break, I am just going to be me. If I lose weight, AWESOME. If I don't, I'll keep trying to be healthy, one day at a time, but what I won't do is hate myself in the process. I am done failing. Its time to spend my life living. It is time to be content in myself and do all the things my future smaller self will do. There is no better time than now. Stop waiting for some day. Some day is today!