Well, today was it! The final day of the January Jumpstart. Originally I was going to weigh in, measure in, and take progress pictures, but sadly the end of the challenge fell directly on TOM, so my 4 pounds of water weight and slightly shocking amount of bloat is not going to show my true results. So I am going to wait and will post those later. The reality is that I feel really good! All of my clothes are fitting better, including fitting into a shirt that was WAY too tight this time last month. So even though I know I haven't lost an amazing amount of weight, I know that I have lost inches and that is what matters! I was also able to go from completing the videos one time through six weeks ago, to two times through four weeks ago, and for the last two weeks I did them three times through! I love getting that post workout feeling back, when your muscles are on fire, you are dripping sweat, and you feel like you can take on the world.
This past week has also been a really hard one. I am gaining strength to go back to work, but where I was originally supposed to return has decided that I no longer have a place. I am due to quit tomorrow. I am disappointed and hurt, but trying to trust and move on. Things have also been rough at home. I know that it is hard living with someone who is chronically ill (cause being the one who is sick is such a cake walk!), but a little patience would be nice. Lately tempers have been high and patience has run short. It gets tiring. I would move out if I could, but the reality is that I can't right now. So I find myself trying really hard to pretend that nothing is wrong and that I have no problems, desperately trying to avoid being the burden. There are moments when I just want to run away as fast as I can, to be anywhere but here, yet here I sit, right in the middle of it all, hating myself and the disease that has ruined me. Not to mention this week came with medicine mix ups, sleeping troubles, and a flare that had me bed bound all day yesterday.
I am actively applying for other jobs, hoping maybe to get into a more established, more professional job, that I can stay in for a while. Right now I am being considered for an Office Assistant job that would be absolutely perfect for me! It would suit my physical needs, it also plays perfectly into my strong suits!! Not to mention that it would be full time and provide me insurance! I am trying not to get my hopes too far up, but I admit, I really want this one. It would give me the gift of adulthood, money, freedom, a place to be, a place that my strengths could stand out. It would be a job that I could stay in for a long time and perhaps even build into a career! So much for not getting my hopes up, I WANT THIS JOB! Right now I am still just in the waiting and hoping period. *cradles phone* Just sitting here...waiting. (Another benefit to my working out: I am SO close to fitting perfectly into my interview pants!!)
Right now, I am just exhausted, hormonal, and nervous about my doctors appointment next week. Just one of those everything feels like it is falling apart kind of days.
I am trying to hold on to the Lord and trust that He will work everything out, but I admit, right now, it doesn't feel that way.
It is a funny feeling trying to learn to balance and live in this new life. Realizing that everything is going to be very different from what I always thought it was going to be. I think that someday things will be more level and I will not feel like I am trying to wrestle my way out of quick sand made of molasses, but for right now I just keep wrestling.
I promise I am not as depressed as I sometimes sound, this has just been a long hard week and a long hard day and this is not nearly as much as I wanted to rant about, but I don't want you all to think that I am crazy. So excuse me while I scream into a pillow, punch a few walls, cry hysterically, and then cook for a while.
Sigh. Everyone else out there who is feeling the same way, just keep moving, I know how it feels, we will get through. Hold on.