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    MYLADY4   44,654
40,000-49,999 SparkPoints
Stepping away from Spark for a while

Monday, March 11, 2013

After doing the HCG hormonal protocols and reading Weight Loss Apocalypse by Robin Woodall, I realized that I have eating and exercise disorders. They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results so I declared myself INSANE, now time to get sane.

I saw Robin on Friday and it was a bit brutal but eye opening and I needed to have someone tell it to me straight and call me out on all my bull(beep). It was also validation of what I have been realizing as of late. She also taped 1 hour of what ended up being a 2 hours discussion.

Technically, I have reached my goal but do not feel better about myself and that is a problem.

I read a book called “Confessions of a Failed Anorexic” and that is exactly what I am. I have been micromanaging and abusing my body for years and years. Robin compared what I was doing to my body and mental being as an abused relationship (see video) and that kinda hit home.

I had a bunch of mental crap that happened when I was a child and when I moved away from the family I was so used to being treated a certain way that I started doing that to myself. I would not allow someone else to treat my daughter as I am treating myself.

I came to the realization that I started having all these food issues and exercise issues when I had joined another weight loss site and gone away from eating when hungry. I went to eating between a certain amount of calories, certain foods at certain times (because that is what the diet industry said to eat) and started to workout longer and harder in order to burn more calories and not just because I liked working out. That was my downfall and where the anorexia and exercise addiction began

Then getting on Spark with it's rewards for exercising and tracking foods and the immediate feedback if you “ate” too many calories and being told that you need to eat between this range of calories to lose this amount of weight, just made it worse. You get praised for losing weight. I have spent years micromanaging myself just to fail. For me, Spark validated my disorders and made them ok to have.

The struggle right now is NOT putting myself worth into what the scale says or what size pants that I wear, or if I can run X amount of miles or have tons of fitness minutes in a month or if I tracked all of my food and ate within my calorie range. I have to start liking the body that I have with all its flaws and hopefully learn to love it. Other people like and love me for the person that I am and not my pants size. I need to heal my soul

What does this mean going forward?
• I will start to eat when hungry (healthy foods of course) and stop when full. I will listen to the cues instead of ignoring them because “it is not time to eat”.
• I will STOP weighing and tracking all of my food.
• I know what portions sizes are and what foods are good for me and if my body is telling me it needs more, then it needs more.
• For the next month, no getting on the scale.
• No exercise for the next 3 weeks except for the occasional walk outside (if nice) or some yoga. This one will be hard. I have an exercise addiction and it needs to be gone.
• I hope to eventually learn to love food again and not be afraid of it.
• I need to stop criticizing my body. That does not mean I would not like to improve some stuff but I will not hate it.
• I need to be ok with gaining all my weight back if when eating with and to hunger, that is what my body want to do. It probably won’t happen but I need to be mentally prepared to allow my body and mind to heal itself at whatever weight that it.

So, starting on Wednesday, I will be stopping spark for a while. My mental health is at stake here. It also pains me to see some of my spark friends engaged in the same destructive behavior that I was doing.

I will respond to private messages but that’s it.

I wish you all well and hope that anyone else who reads this and see’s themselves in me gets the help they need.
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FREEME1980 4/5/2013 12:45PM

    Wishing you well on your journey for the healthy you. emoticon

Comment edited on: 4/5/2013 12:54:00 PM

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LORI-K 3/28/2013 9:43AM

    I miss you, but I understand. I will private message you.
emoticon emoticon

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SPLASHDOG1 3/27/2013 3:42PM

    I'm glad you're taking charge and making the changes you want. Good luck!

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PINKBEANBOO 3/12/2013 12:54PM

    No one should live like that! I'm sorry you've been dealing with this.

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DDOORN 3/12/2013 10:18AM

    Tuning into yourself, REALLY tuning into yourself is such an undertaking and I just know it's going to be SO REWARDING for you! Your decision makes BOATLOADS of sense! Rooting for you all the way! :-)


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RUNNER4LIFE08 3/12/2013 9:28AM

    I am happy to hear that you are taking care of you and even if that means giving up some things. I listened to the whole youtube video and see some of my friends and family members in the same place where you are. I may have to forward this onto them...

Take care and I will be thinking about you!

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VHALKYRIE 3/11/2013 9:53PM

    I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. When I was growing up, I had a mostly healthy relationship with food - I didn't obsess over it. After I became overweight and desperate to lose it, I obsessed. I've cycled between diet and exercise extremes myself. You've been a very special Sparkfriend, and I will miss you. You'll always be welcome back.

Be well, and take care of yourself. emoticon

Comment edited on: 3/11/2013 9:54:16 PM

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LISAINMS 3/11/2013 9:50PM

    Be happy and healthy!

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FITFOODIE806 3/11/2013 6:47PM

    Good for you for putting your needs first. I hope this is a healing time for you. Update us when you feel it's right.

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-LINDA_S 3/11/2013 6:08PM

    Thank you for showing us courage and wisdom, Nicole! I hope you will keep in touch and let me know how you're doing. This is the first step for you in true healing.


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OJIBWEEQUAY 3/11/2013 3:51PM

    Ill be thinking of you emoticon

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VALERIENTN 3/11/2013 3:29PM

    I am hearing you loud and clear Nicole. You are a brave woman and I wish you the best. I will email you if that is okay. I am so thankful that you have shared your experience with us. I have lots of issues to work through also. I would love to hear how you are coping with the changes and things you are doing to replace some of the not sane tendencies. I am always here for you if you need to talk it out! Hugs to you!

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WOUBBIE 3/11/2013 2:23PM

    We will all miss you, but you are exercising great wisdom here - and yes, the wording is deliberate.

Exercise as a verb means to "make use of" whereas exercise as a noun is derived from a Latin word that basically means "driving the herd". You've learned an awful lot in the last year and made good use of that information. Make no mistake, the rest of us have also benefitted from your frankness in writing about your difficult experiences. We wish you all the best!

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ARIANERA 3/11/2013 1:45PM

    I hope you find the peace and health you are seeking.

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CINDYTW 3/11/2013 12:44PM

  emoticon I hope you are able to accomplish all these things and be HAPPY!

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STRONGMOMMA2014 3/11/2013 12:16PM

    I understand, and think you are doing the right thing for you. I will miss you very much. If you can do it without a negative effect on your progress, dropping a note to let us know how you are doing would be great. Instead of cheering for your fitness minutes or pounds lost, I would love to cheer for much greater success for you.

I fear some of these things for myself. I am happy that you are getting some help with it.

Wishing you the very best! You will be in my thoughts!


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LVELVETJ 3/11/2013 12:04PM

  You're wise. Do take care of yourself.

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