After doing the HCG hormonal protocols and reading Weight Loss Apocalypse by Robin Woodall, I realized that I have eating and exercise disorders. They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results so I declared myself INSANE, now time to get sane.
I saw Robin on Friday and it was a bit brutal but eye opening and I needed to have someone tell it to me straight and call me out on all my bull(beep). It was also validation of what I have been realizing as of late. She also taped 1 hour of what ended up being a 2 hours discussion.
Technically, I have reached my goal but do not feel better about myself and that is a problem.
I read a book called “Confessions of a Failed Anorexic” and that is exactly what I am. I have been micromanaging and abusing my body for years and years. Robin compared what I was doing to my body and mental being as an abused relationship (see video) and that kinda hit home.
I had a bunch of mental crap that happened when I was a child and when I moved away from the family I was so used to being treated a certain way that I started doing that to myself. I would not allow someone else to treat my daughter as I am treating myself.
I came to the realization that I started having all these food issues and exercise issues when I had joined another weight loss site and gone away from eating when hungry. I went to eating between a certain amount of calories, certain foods at certain times (because that is what the diet industry said to eat) and started to workout longer and harder in order to burn more calories and not just because I liked working out. That was my downfall and where the anorexia and exercise addiction began
Then getting on Spark with it's rewards for exercising and tracking foods and the immediate feedback if you “ate” too many calories and being told that you need to eat between this range of calories to lose this amount of weight, just made it worse. You get praised for losing weight. I have spent years micromanaging myself just to fail. For me, Spark validated my disorders and made them ok to have.
The struggle right now is NOT putting myself worth into what the scale says or what size pants that I wear, or if I can run X amount of miles or have tons of fitness minutes in a month or if I tracked all of my food and ate within my calorie range. I have to start liking the body that I have with all its flaws and hopefully learn to love it. Other people like and love me for the person that I am and not my pants size. I need to heal my soul
What does this mean going forward?
• I will start to eat when hungry (healthy foods of course) and stop when full. I will listen to the cues instead of ignoring them because “it is not time to eat”.
• I will STOP weighing and tracking all of my food.
• I know what portions sizes are and what foods are good for me and if my body is telling me it needs more, then it needs more.
• For the next month, no getting on the scale.
• No exercise for the next 3 weeks except for the occasional walk outside (if nice) or some yoga. This one will be hard. I have an exercise addiction and it needs to be gone.
• I hope to eventually learn to love food again and not be afraid of it.
• I need to stop criticizing my body. That does not mean I would not like to improve some stuff but I will not hate it.
• I need to be ok with gaining all my weight back if when eating with and to hunger, that is what my body want to do. It probably won’t happen but I need to be mentally prepared to allow my body and mind to heal itself at whatever weight that it.
So, starting on Wednesday, I will be stopping spark for a while. My mental health is at stake here. It also pains me to see some of my spark friends engaged in the same destructive behavior that I was doing.
I will respond to private messages but that’s it.
I wish you all well and hope that anyone else who reads this and see’s themselves in me gets the help they need.