Monday, March 11, 2013
i woke up this morning and realized i am 4 months into my spark program!
.....caution i'm not sure how to not ramble through the last 4 months of this update....
i reached my weight loss goal of 18 lbs about 3 months after i started.
i thought i would write a blog post when i hit my goal somewhere the time got away from me.
when i started to spark i thought....
just get started. somewhere some how this mess i made HAS to get turned around. JUST START!!!
give yourself 1 month and see what you can do... just four weeks.
i hit that first month with a quiet vengeance... i did it without telling anyone in my house. i just did it.
to me, my 18 lbs might as well had been 100 lbs.
i felt miserable.
my clothes did not fit. when i looked in the mirror my self esteem was terrible. my face had become round. my bra and panties cut into me, i felt like a caterpillar. my winter coat was even tight. i would pinch at my rolls and be disgusted. i even would have dreams of being fat... fatter than i was, even ashamed in my dreams. it was constantly on my mind how uncomfortable i was about myself ... how i appeared, but also how physically unfit i had become.
maybe 18 lbs doesn't sound like much when other are struggling with so much more weight, but for me 18 felt miserable, unhealthy, stifling. heartbreaking. defeating. shameful.
getting started, i set a goal of physical activity 3 times a week for 20 min. that was almost laughable to me given before my knee injury i had been running 5 times a week for 50-60 min per session. and here i was struggling to set such a low goal to just walk 3 times a week for 20 min. but there it was. JUST GET STARTED and MOVE.
it didn't take long i was pumping up my 20 min walks to 45 min in snow and ice and terrible freezing winds. i was out sweating in miserable weather. i was pissed at myself and determined. i worked a lot of stuff out in my head out in that snow and blistering winds.
on the days i wasn't out hiking i hit my mat and did yoga and indoor cardio. i just moved.
i started doing things for myself. i lit candles and took baths. i started doing my hair and make up again. i made myself paint my nails. these were things that slipped away as i fell into my depression (and weight gain) these were little simple things that were part of how i kept myself going. these were little gifts i gave back to myself again.
i logged every bite that went into my mouth. it was the only way i could be truly honest with myself.
logging my food for the first time in my life, was life changing. i had NEVER kept track of food before!
i figured out pretty early on that prior to logging my food i had been exceeding greatly a 2000 cal per day diet. my portions were out of control, boy was that was eye opening.
i decided on cutting white sugar out of my life. again life changing. i could write a novel post on that alone for the changes that happened from my joints to my skin.
anyway, after a few weeks the scale started to move. that was a slow process but it happened. my face started thinning back out. i started to feel better physically. many times a day i would tell myself ....
'take care of yourself like your life depends on it'
before long the words had become part of me. i was living it!!!
everything in my life started changing and i do mean everything. i was feeling peaceful, healthy, stable, strong, happy, motivated, proud, confident, positive.
i channeled my energy into 'taking care of myself like my life depended on it!' i really did.
here i was in the middle of winter and deciding of all times this was the time to get my health together... going into the food fest of holidays... but worse... a long helsinki winter.
for the last 3 yrs the winters here had been something i had dreaded. they are dreary, cold, icy, depressing they are dark... there are times of only 4-5 hrs of gray daylight. going out and exercising is a chore.
it's the kind of season you want to sleep and eat through. this year i embraced it and decided it was an inside job and as long as i saw it as miserable that is how i would be living the season.
currently, for the last several weeks i have been back and forth between 21 and 23 lbs loss. yes, i exceeded my weight loss goal! i have been trying to figure out my maintenance now.
one of the eye opening discoveries for me in the last 4 months... i am healthier now, weigh less than i did when i was running because i am eating healthier than i ever was when i was running! i no longer hurt all over.
i am done running, i am done pounding myself and my joints. i have now reconciled that through this process and feel like i have mourned that chapter. i am now a walker, a hiker and healthy eater. i am at peace with my health and what it's going to take to stay healthy.
so i thank you spark people for the tools.. thank you my spark friends for your lovely support.
cheers to us all!
wishing everyone health!