Sunday, March 10, 2013
It's not big secret that I live with severe pain from fibromyalgia and lyme disease and it's not big secret that low pressure systems, wind, rain, snow, humidity all hamper my day to day living. It's the difference between tolerating pain or debilitating pain that is so severe that has had me not even wanting to wake up in the morning I've talked about this in several blogs.
If you have read past blogs you know that I lost my mom in July and that she wasn't the nicest of mothers (well to me at least , she adored her boys). I had a dream of her the other day, it was her just smiling and waving to me in the nursing rehab that my dad is in. She didn't speak just smiled and then walked away and when I tried to catch up to her she was gone.
Then there was last nights dream which I believe sent a message to me, death has been on my mind a lot because of the severity of the pain in which I live with but I could never do anything stupid because I'd never hurt my husband and son that way. But in the dream she came to me and told me she had to go because she needed the rest (in the dream she looked rested) then she said to me you know once you leave you can never come back. I was the only one that could see her in the dream although other family members were around, then she gave me 5 dollars for my son (she didn't care for me , but she did adore my son, seems like she just liked the boys more ).
I took this as a message from her, maybe she's been seeing what I've gone through maybe what she didn't believe when she was alive of me in so much pain, she see's now that she's gone and she's seen me crying while alone , having desperate thoughts and came to send a message, that's what I took out of it as she said once you leave you can never come back.
I know the pain I live with can be so unbearable and if it wasn't for my supportive husband and son I probably wouldn't be here to deal with the everyday hell that I go through, even a decent day is more pain then any one person should have to deal with never mind when it's severe.
I've had dreams of her 2 nights in a row maybe in death she finally see's what I'm dealing with and cares more then she ever did when she was alive.....