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Chapter Two: The Long Dark Night of the Soul

Sunday, March 10, 2013

I have really been struggling with the process lately. And I really don't know why. I have seen success following the plan. I feel better, I'm less moody, I have more energy, all the good things.

So why do I keep sabotaging myself? What is so wrong in my head these days? It's like some kind of crazy little rebellion going on up there. I really have my doubts that this is something that I'm really going to accomplish. I jealously watch the successes of my friends while allowing my feelings of inadequacy mount higher.

I have given myself every tool and resource for success, why can I not get myself under control? It makes me feel so broken. Is this something that everyone goes through and just never talks about, or am I really just this weak?

I'm sure it's at least somewhat a self esteem thing. I've never had any kind of real self esteem. I continually put everything else before myself. And I feel selfish when I spend time doing something that only benefits me and isn't earning money, or taking care of my household. And I just can't get those voices out of my head. The ones that remind me that I've failed at everything I've ever done. I just don't know how to fix it.

I have such a jumbled, tangles snarl of thoughts in regards to myself, I was hoping I could maybe sort of them out this evening. Usually writing things out helps, but I still feel just kind of sad and defeated this evening.

Not to worry, not to worry, tomorrow I will get up and go to work, which will be promptly followed up a visit to the gym. I'll still keep plugging away, and maybe I'll continue to just keep swapping the same 5-10 pounds out for the rest of my life, but I'll keep fighting the good fight, and hopefully one of these days I'll win a battle or two.
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