Sunday, March 10, 2013
Yesterday, Saturday, my friend called and asked if she could take me to dinner. Of course I accepted and she came be around 6:45. Unfortunately which became fortunately, I was not hungry; so, we went to the new Marshall's that opened this week. It became fortunate because we both found bathing suits very resonably priced. I know the one I got is a couple of seasons ago style but I don't care. it fits, itt is a nice suit, and it was priced right!
After our finds we headed to Bravo's for Spinach artichoke dip with flat bread and a balsamic chicken and greens salad and one mini dessert to share. It was then that Jane told me why we were out. She was celebrating news from the VA who had previously rejected her application for benefits due to her husband's death having been caused by his having been exposed to agent orange in Vietnam. They had reconsidered and were awarding her benefits retroactively! She will have much less financial stress now and that is very good news for her.
Tonight I went back to the Grief Support Group (where I shared about SparkPeople.com when we talked jurnaling). I am still not sure that it is the group for me. The young woman beside me is on disability, evidently because of mental illness, and was popping different meds during the meeting, Yes they were meds and not candy, and she talked about wanting to take care of her grandmother's foster son who is 42. She had just told us that she lives at home and her mother takes care of her. She also talked about how she had prayed that God let her grandmother live until she could see her but He wouldn't and she didn't know that she had money to travel on until too late. I understand that her grief is as important as anyone else's grief but I also wonder how much is a skewed because of her own problems not associated with grief. People were telling her to not take antidepressants but maybe she has a brain chemical imbalance and needs them. The man that I thought was one of the more sane wasn't there and it was brought up that he has been suicidal, The woman next to me, opposite side from young woman taking meds, who seemed paranoid last week seemed more so tonight. Last week it was that her house had been broken into because someone was "looking for something" and this week her story centered around her next door neighbor who blamed her husband's death/suicide on her. Now, I wouldn't have thought twice about it, in grief people do blame and accuse but after last week, I am not sure. Again I found myself in the facilitator roll and had to bite my tongue and remind myself why I was there. Although there are things that I would change (set up of the room, amount of time facillitators can talk, etc, that isn't why I am there. I need help before I can help others. When I have cried 4 out of 7 days I still need to come to grips with my loss. I know it is an ongoing process and will take a long time; so, although the crying exhausts me I also know that it isn't unusual or wrong.
Lord, God, Father, i was guided to the group at Ascension Church and I have gone twice looking for help, for strength, for information, for support to get me through this terribly difficult time. Lord, I find myself falling into a role that isn't the reason I am ther and I feel some resentment. If it is your will that I am to continue in this role and with this group please remove my resentment and guide me through the next several weeks.