Sunday, March 10, 2013
Right now sleep is about the only reprieve I have from the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, the worry, the fear. I usually wake up a time or two during the night to use the bathroom, and for a second when I become alert, all is right with the world, then like an avalanche, I remember..
We had all 3 grandkids out from about 4 p.m. last night until around 10:30 this morning. I was extremely distracted and probably shorter tempered with them than they are used to. Usually I spoil them rotten and give them anything and everything they ask for. But this time, even though I gave into their desires and catered to them, I was just not as nice about it. As I told hubby, "I simply am not in the right frame of mind for this." I take great joy in those grandkids, but joy is not what I'm feeling right now. I even made up a brunch date, and lied to my sons about it, so that they would come out before mid-afternoon today to pick their kids up. I knew I would be ready for them to go home and I was.
It's really hard not to compare hubby's diagnosis with what my dad dealt with since he too had prostate cancer. For years, his treatments were fairly mild other than radiation at the very beginning, then after a while, they noticed his PSA levels were rising again. He tried Zometa, a new treatment back then, it was kind of like chemo. They also put him in a clinical trial after the cancer spread to his bones, where he got massive doses of Vitamin B along with the Zometa. Then one late August day, after he had spent the day before on his feet in his kitchen, canning tomatoes, he called and told me that he couldn't walk. Doctor appointments showed that he had broken his pelvis. The doctor suggested hospice. Dad spent the last eight months of his life very unhappily in a hospital bed in his living room. So what am I to think and expect when hubby's cancer is already in his bones? Does he only have a year left, half or more of which will be spent bedridden, since he will be unable to walk? If he can't walk, he can't work and there goes our health insurance. And we lose everything. At this point I don't even care if I lost everything, material things no longer matter, as long as I get to keep him.
I know the doctor appointment tomorrow afternoon will tell us more. I fear what we are to learn, but I hope it is better news than I am anticipating. I am so scared. I don't know what I would do without him. He is my life.