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Sleep is my Escape

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Right now sleep is about the only reprieve I have from the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, the worry, the fear. I usually wake up a time or two during the night to use the bathroom, and for a second when I become alert, all is right with the world, then like an avalanche, I remember..

We had all 3 grandkids out from about 4 p.m. last night until around 10:30 this morning. I was extremely distracted and probably shorter tempered with them than they are used to. Usually I spoil them rotten and give them anything and everything they ask for. But this time, even though I gave into their desires and catered to them, I was just not as nice about it. As I told hubby, "I simply am not in the right frame of mind for this." I take great joy in those grandkids, but joy is not what I'm feeling right now. I even made up a brunch date, and lied to my sons about it, so that they would come out before mid-afternoon today to pick their kids up. I knew I would be ready for them to go home and I was.

It's really hard not to compare hubby's diagnosis with what my dad dealt with since he too had prostate cancer. For years, his treatments were fairly mild other than radiation at the very beginning, then after a while, they noticed his PSA levels were rising again. He tried Zometa, a new treatment back then, it was kind of like chemo. They also put him in a clinical trial after the cancer spread to his bones, where he got massive doses of Vitamin B along with the Zometa. Then one late August day, after he had spent the day before on his feet in his kitchen, canning tomatoes, he called and told me that he couldn't walk. Doctor appointments showed that he had broken his pelvis. The doctor suggested hospice. Dad spent the last eight months of his life very unhappily in a hospital bed in his living room. So what am I to think and expect when hubby's cancer is already in his bones? Does he only have a year left, half or more of which will be spent bedridden, since he will be unable to walk? If he can't walk, he can't work and there goes our health insurance. And we lose everything. At this point I don't even care if I lost everything, material things no longer matter, as long as I get to keep him.

I know the doctor appointment tomorrow afternoon will tell us more. I fear what we are to learn, but I hope it is better news than I am anticipating. I am so scared. I don't know what I would do without him. He is my life.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I, too, know the healing value of a good sleep.....but try not to fall into the trap where you sleep too much to think clearly. Now - above all - is the time you will need a clear head. Write down all your questions before you see the doctor - and make sure he answers them all! I agree with the poster who said to be honest to your kids about the grandkids - they can be a joy - or a headache! :)

    Also....there are new health care regulations kicking in for Obamacare.....before you panic about losing insurance.....make sure to check out all the provisions in the new health plans coming due this year. You might be pleasantly surprised.

    My heart and thoughts are with you. Try to live in the moment - and not in the future. You might lose precious moments and important answers - by only thinking worst case scenarios. BTW - how is your husband taking this news? Do you both speak honestly with each other? Open communication is always best ......

    Big, Warm Hugs....
    1834 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1834 days ago
  • MYRTLE811
    You and your husband are front and center right now; everyone else and their needs must take a back step so you can concentrate on what you are going through and what you need to do. There is nothing anyone can say to make this better for you; take it one hour at a time, one day at a time and the only advice I could give is not to compare what your husband's diagnosis is with your father's condition . Wait for the doctor; write out every questions you can think of even the hard ones to hear and speak about BEFORE you get to his office. I always forget some of them if I don't Don't leave there until all your questions are answered; bring up your dad's diagnosis and ask what is now the protocol and what the differences are in care these days.
    I'm thinking of you!
    1834 days ago
    I'm really sorry am sending prayers and hugs to you! emoticon emoticon
    1834 days ago
    Others have given you great advice, so I'll just mention the one thing I can to ease your worries somewhat- legally, you are allowed to be insured by COBRA for 18 months after your husband leaves his job. It can be really expensive, but not near what medical bills are. I don't know your ages, but Medicare kicks in when you turn 65. I hope that it's not nearly as trying as you've worried about!
    1834 days ago
    Don't feel guilty for not being able to give like you usually do. You need to take care of yourself and your DH at the moment, and others are going to have to realize this. Perhaps your sons thought that having the grandkids over would help distract you and help keep the fear you are feeling now from overwhelming you and paralyzing you. I'm sure they too are having difficulty dealing with this and all the possibilities and "what ifs". But you know yourself best and what you need at the moment. Don't be afraid to ask for it.
    Please know that we all are with you in spirit and praying for the best.
    1834 days ago
    Sending prayers and good energy your way. So sorry you are going through this. emoticon
    1835 days ago
  • KERRYG155
    Praying the Dr has some hopeful news for you all. I know treatments are changing all the time so maybe there is one out there that will work for your husband.
    1835 days ago
    I'm so sorry about your bad news happening right after your retirement, but as others have said here, God can work miracles. Will be praying for strength for you & your husband tomorrow whatever your news.
    1835 days ago
  • HOLLYM48
    emoticon emoticon
    I hope that you get better news than you are expecting from the dr. I know it is so scary right now but they have made great strides in slowing down the cancer so you get years to live your life. One day at a time right now, that is all you can do.
    Prayers for you and your husband that things will be ok.
    1835 days ago
    It is the fear that is eating you up. After you talk with
    the doctor, I hope you get answers to those nagging
    questions. It is the fear of the unknown that make us
    short-tempered and the young do not understand.
    Someday they will but for now, we just keep walking
    the path in front of us and hope they never had to go
    through this kind of experience. HUGS!
    1835 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/10/2013 4:43:44 PM
    Praying for you and your husband. As Jill says ... there can be miracles. emoticon Bless you both.
    1835 days ago
  • LINDAK25
    You are both in my thoughts and prayers.
    1835 days ago
  • JILL313
    My Heart goes out to you and your DH and family. God does perform miracles and there have been quite a few advancements in how they treat it now. My neighbor across the stress has lived with prostate cancer for around 20 years and he still mows his own lawn and seems to be doing well. Never lose hope and live one day at a time and try not to anticipate the worse outcome. I'll be praying for both of you for a healing and many more happy years together. I only can imagine how terrified and scared you are for your DH. If you need to change it up some with your GKs and sons just be honest and let them know some of what you're going through. I'm sure they will understand and be there for you in anyway they can. Praying for the best for both of you.

    Hugs & Love,

    1835 days ago
    Keeping you and your dear husband in my thoughts/prayers emoticon emoticon and more emoticon
    1835 days ago
    No words of wisdom here. Just learn what you can, do what you can and this is NOT in retribution!! You just got dealt a bad hand--and you will play it to the best of your ability. Know that you and your hubby are in my prayers.
    1835 days ago
  • DOODIE59
    Yes, sleep can be a blessing; it can also help you keep your wits about you. More than ever, it is important that you have good, long sleeps.

    On another subject, the only thing that matters right now is your precious hubby's health. You should feel free to tell your children that watching your sweet grandkids is going to take a backseat for a bit -- unless your husband wants to see them, or you find it a comfort to be dealing with your regular routine. Do what matters most. As you say, material belongings are secondary.

    My heart goes out to you. Hugs,

    1835 days ago
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