Sunday, March 10, 2013
On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is winning the lottery, and 1 is scooping up vomit with a spatula, I am literally scooping up vomit with a spatula. Then it gets worse, and I'm scooping up !@#$ with a spatula. DS14 is sick, and vomiting copiously. Then the dog takes a dump in the house. If anything good has come of this, it's that I've lost my appetite. I'm doing laundry & shampooing carpets. Not getting to the gym today.
I'm crying a lot because of an oddly cathartic moment when I was listening to the Tolkien Professor podcast (session 6), and he mentioned doing ceramics as therapy, and a memory that I had forgotten or repressed about my father being in a mental hospital doing ceramics. And the shame of rejecting him, and wishing he was normal, when he couldn't help it, because he suffered schizophrenia. But it was so hard growing up with a parent who was unpredictably violent.
I feel guilty also because I read an article linking schizophrenia, adhd and autism. www.webmd.com/add-adhd/n
I thought I dodged that genetic bullet, but think I may have unwittingly passed it to my sons, maybe the worse thing I ever did to the people I love the most, that I can't change.
I'm trying hard to control my emotions, and not beat myself up. I'm rather weepy. I should go do something nice for myself. Like call a friend.