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**** the realization that woke me out of my sleep ****

Sunday, March 10, 2013

In the middle of the night I had to check myself hard. I have been half-assing for three and a half weeks. And then it hit me. This is the EXACT same time that I fell off and began gaining back weight two years ago when I lost weight before. Exactly. I went hard from July until February and I lost 47 lbs. By that March I had begun to get comfortable and tell myself that I can handle eating this bad food and that bad food because I could control it. And then I would tell myself that I didn't have to do 5 or 6 days in the gym as long as those four days were high intensity. Truthfully, those four days turned into three and then two and next thing you know I hadnt been in the gym in two weeks and I was eating fast food regularly. Fast forward a year later and I am at my highest adult weight. I am treading towards that path with my current attitude towards my journey.

Truthfully, this journey gets tiring. You have moments when all you want to do is eat, breathe and sleep fitness and good nutrition. When you are in that frame of mind, it is the best feeling. You finally feel in control of your life. But you can't live in that bubble forever. And the more you live, the harder it becomes to maintain a healthy mindset. Lately I have lost all creativity when it comes to creating meals and meal plans. As much as I love to cook, I am tired of cooking. I am aging and my joints hurt. It takes longer to recover from an intense workout however, because I am smaller, I don't burn enough calories with just walking or even jogging some unless I jog further and longer. Basically, each pound is harder to get and I have lost the momentum to chase it.

Last nigh though, in the middle of the night, I prayed. I asked God to give me strength to keep going. I asked God to help me fight, to help me see where I was and where I will be if I keep down this path. Before I prayed, I was telling myself that I didn't need to wear my BodyBugg. Honestly, I only half record my food anymore so it isnt effective anyway. So I asked God to help me. To give me the desire to keep at it and record my nutrition. To think that I was startled out of my sleep with the realization that I was falling back into old habits is crazy. But it was also a gift. I wasn't aware two years ago at just what I was doing to myself. Today I see it for what it is and I am choosing to keep fighting. I don't know what this fight is going to look like. I seen a Spark blog one day that described weight loss as a journey that ebbs and flows. Mine is ebbing right now; dang near stalled. But the flow will come. I can't give myself passes to do what I did before. And I can't tell myself that I can eat what I want just because I put in a good workout. That is the maintenance phase and I am not there yet. 20 lbs. I owe myself that. I deserve that. I am going to have to work for that.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JENNY160
    Because of your blog I am now leaving work to go to the gym, not go home and nap, even though I don't have my music with me.

    Thank you.
    1804 days ago
  • BEATRIZ269
    Ms. Nikki you are my inspiration. Just keep on keeping on! You will get through this and awareness is key to overcoming an issue and you are now very aware. Prayer is a a big help for focus. I am doing that now. I am a huge fan and now that you put it out there you can work on it. Easy does it but do it!

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    1806 days ago
    Well Nikki has done it again, wrote a fabulous blog that speaks to my heart. Thanks girl, you're awesome. I guess for this same reason, I challenge myself to complete an entire year of sticking to this journey. NO matter what the weight lost although important - I need to overcome by inability to complete, continue and stay dedicated to a specific goal. Yep, it gets tiring and even I have laid aside the bodybugg, simply because it HURTS my arm (fits but cuts me at some point during the day). God shook you awake to answer your prayers by revealing what was wrong and now you know. I know you'll pull through this slump you're too AMAZING not too!!!
    1808 days ago
  • THERIN52
    You are so precious to God and everyone here, He has given you such a warriors heart. The huge difference now is you stopped and could see what you couldn't before and you are choosing to keep fighting rather than be comfortable. Keep fighting my friend, lean into God because with him all things are possible.

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    1808 days ago
  • NEEDBU66
    I will join in the chorus with the other people and say AMEN. It gets tiring eating sleeping and breathing fitness. There is more to life than this, surely!

    But we don't get a new body, and the one we have has to last (for me) another 40-50 years. If I misuse it now it will bite me on the backside when I already will have little to go on.

    I see 60 year olds on oxygen and riding the scooters and having to have home health care and I see 90 year olds still mowing their own acre plus lands and canning their own home grown vegetables. And I know which side of that equation I want to lean towards.

    Thats the goal. Thats the reason to keep on keeping on.
    1809 days ago
    Wow I think so many of us can understand this blog better then we might like to admit. I'm with you, I have been hitting it so hard and then that last couple weeks I'm struggling. I know what I need to do, but at the same time it's hard because the results I think I should be getting I'm not. But there are results I just need to remember that. So do you, the results might not come from the scale but from all those non-scale victories. We can do this.
    1809 days ago
    God is Great! Sometimes he wakes you out of a sleep to tell you what you need to hear! Sometimes he sends a friend to make a joking comment on FB, so you can make a realization! You are on this incredible journey, but you weren't alone. God is with you. Your Gaurdian Angels are helping bring that message. You can do this!!!!!!!! Stick with it!!! xo

    Oh! could wear some ankle weights & wrist weights to help you burn more calories with the same amount of activity ;) emoticon
    1809 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/11/2013 9:37:51 AM
    You do deserve it!

    This happens to so many people - we can become complacent, and lose sight of what we were hoping to accomplish.

    I'm battling it myself right now - compared to when I started, my body is BANGING. I feel energetic and healthy, I feel like I have made such amazing progress with my exercise, I can actually feel my biceps now... but I am not even halfway to goal yet. Although I feel awesome already, I need to keep my eyes on the prize, and achieve even more.

    Have you ever practiced Lent? Daily prayer (it's not all about denial of food) might be a great thing for you right now.
    1809 days ago
    You do deserve it, you can do it - and you can preserve it!
    1809 days ago
    Everything depends on you. It's a great thing that you realized the problem, now it's time to solve it emoticon

    Keep in mind all your efforts and how close you are to your goal weight... With your wedding around the corner, it will be the best present to yourself!

    1809 days ago
    I definitely understand how you feel but don't give up.....

    God bless,

    1809 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    This journey is hard work but you are strong & determined! emoticon
    1809 days ago
    You and I are TWO peas in a pod!! I have lost 40 pounds twice just to gain it all back. And the thing is I never once had the obvious "I give up, I am DONE trying, I am throwing in the towel", I never had said that. It started off with a couple bad days, then a week. Then it was like I wasn't even THINKING about getting back on track, and the scale wasn't really going back up so I kind of thought I could "hang" like that for a while. Boy was I wrong. It scares me how easily I turn it off like a switch and the last week or so I have been so horrible with my eating, and I wasn't scared at all, and that is what scared me!! This is what I do when I have given up but I don't realize it yet!

    The difference this time is you and I have the knowledge, we are seeing the red flags and the warnings emoticon that we didn't see in the past. I can totally relate to each pound being harder! I am not as tall as you and not looking as fabulous as you are, I still have PLENTY of fat to lose, but it is so frustrating that I have to work so hard to lose 1 stinkin' pound in a week, and that's if I'm lucky!

    You are amazing, and I have the same thoughts about maintenance, I find myself doing it, and I still have 30-40 pounds to go still be "chubby" and content... I said this to myself, I am miserable right now because I felt like I was (up until this week) working so hard, only to be maintaining in the same 210-214 range and I am not happy at this weight so this seems horrible right now because it's like I'm fighting to maintain something that I'm not happy with... but I just keep thinking if we can just get to maintenance and work to maintain our HAPPY GOAL weights, this process will become at the very least more tolerable because we will be happy with the results we are getting when we are in maintenance. It sounds like you are recommitted to those last 20 pounds and I recommitting myself to my last 40 pounds. We can do this, one day at a time, we just gotta hang in there. You are emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1809 days ago
  • MOMSFIVE1028
    Great realization. God can sometimes use what we would think of as inopportune times to get us to listen to Him. Glad you heard Him.

    I find the food tracking almost the most indispensable part of this program. I can so easily overeat, but having to write it down keeps me on track.
    1809 days ago
    I think for those of us on the weight loss journey we think there is an ending - some destination of health and wellness and when we get there, we're done. We all know that is not true. Being healthy is a lifelong commitment, it's not something you achieve and then forget about. Every day, every thing you do to maintain your health is an achievement, and you never stop striving to meet those goals.

    It's a good reminder to hear this and to remember that others struggle with the same thoughts. But that is why we are here, right? To support and remind each other! emoticon
    1809 days ago
    I think many find by this time of the year, they've been working hard at weight loss and exercise. The calendar says it's been three months since many made that new year's promise to get healthier. I have no emoticon advice, but as a maintainer of almost two years, I can tell you that emoticon

    I've been where you are. We have our own individual goals, but to get healthier is shared by all. To be better for ME is a goal that should be on the top of everyone's list. Not for others, but for ourselves.

    Ebb and flow is a great comparison...just like life! I know you can get the "flow" going again. You have worked too hard to give in now! You look awesome and feel amazing! Think about what you can do now that you couldn't do when you were at your highest weight. Think about how you will feel walking down the isle knowing you are the best you've ever been!

    Hang in there and emoticon YOU'VE GOT THIS!
    Now DO IT!

    P.S. Next time, the Lord may just push you out of bed to wake you up! Most pray for the Lord to answer a prayer....I truly believe in your case He did!!!
    1810 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/10/2013 7:59:28 PM
    I posted a status on FB about not wanting to brave the blizzard to go grocery shopping and my Sparkler ENDERLI commented that I should just fast. She was being funny but it hit me. I have not completely fasted in the truest sense but I am making it a point to get to the point of hunger, and then have prayer. At that point, I am eating. I may still end up right within my range but it is better than what I have been doing which is eating just because.
    1810 days ago
    1810 days ago
  • FLGIRL1234
    This hit so close to home. Like you, I realize that this time...failing and gaining weight is just not an option anymore. No matter how slow, if you keep the fight (even when its only the tiniest sliver of fight) it is all relative. This blog is a winner if you ask me. Keep on keeping on girl. I have total faith in you.
    1810 days ago
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    1810 days ago

    This is so true....I had an aha moment this morning too.....

    We can do this and stick with it....and find that inner strength to keep this a movin'!!!!!

    1810 days ago
    This is one of the hardest journeys you will be on and one that's totally worth it. That's what I keep telling myself. It's not just continuing to move forward, but to be able to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and keep moving. YOU CAN DO THIS! :) emoticon
    1810 days ago
  • MISSB8604
    Boy, I can certainly relate and I'm DEFINITELY sliding back to old habits. It's all part of the journey and if we want to be that % that keeps their weight off for good, we're going to have to deal w/ the exhaustion of it all. Believe me, I'm tired, which is why I'm gaining again. BUT, what keps me going is knowing that I love myself enough to keep going despite the setbacks, weight gain, etc.

    You DO deserve this and you WILL keep it off. You owe yourself that. You owe yourself that love.
    1810 days ago
    great blog & true
    1810 days ago
  • CRISSA1669
    Hello sister!! You blog was right on time!! I needed to read it and take comfort that there really isn't anything new under the sun. It's a story that I relate to as well as many others. You are so right, this journey gets tiring. Jan/Feb was my time of "ok I've lost most of the weight, I can indulge a little more, work out a little less". Blah blah blah... I could handle it. I couldn't, at least not yet. I've still got some more weight to lose. I'm not done. I've also come to realize that I probably will never be able to live that completely carefree life as far as eating goes. My body had carried 273 pounds almost 2 years ago and it can carry it again if I live in denial that I have a bend toward gluttony and slothful ness, which are sins and I surely don't want to live that way again. This realization was worth waking you up out of your sleep. Lets keep pushing toward our goal. The Lord will help us, He is ever faithful. I am also glad I am ready this blog AFTER I just got back from a 5 mile run! AMEN!!
    1810 days ago
    "But it was also a gift. I wasn't aware two years ago at just what I was doing to myself. Today I see it for what it is and I am choosing to keep fighting." That's right on. We can learn so much from our failures and build successes upon them.
    1810 days ago
    I have had a similar realization recently, and the fight is hard to maintain. emoticon emoticon

    1810 days ago
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