In the middle of the night I had to check myself hard. I have been half-assing for three and a half weeks. And then it hit me. This is the EXACT same time that I fell off and began gaining back weight two years ago when I lost weight before. Exactly. I went hard from July until February and I lost 47 lbs. By that March I had begun to get comfortable and tell myself that I can handle eating this bad food and that bad food because I could control it. And then I would tell myself that I didn't have to do 5 or 6 days in the gym as long as those four days were high intensity. Truthfully, those four days turned into three and then two and next thing you know I hadnt been in the gym in two weeks and I was eating fast food regularly. Fast forward a year later and I am at my highest adult weight. I am treading towards that path with my current attitude towards my journey.

Truthfully, this journey gets tiring. You have moments when all you want to do is eat, breathe and sleep fitness and good nutrition. When you are in that frame of mind, it is the best feeling. You finally feel in control of your life. But you can't live in that bubble forever. And the more you live, the harder it becomes to maintain a healthy mindset. Lately I have lost all creativity when it comes to creating meals and meal plans. As much as I love to cook, I am tired of cooking. I am aging and my joints hurt. It takes longer to recover from an intense workout however, because I am smaller, I don't burn enough calories with just walking or even jogging some unless I jog further and longer. Basically, each pound is harder to get and I have lost the momentum to chase it.

Last nigh though, in the middle of the night, I prayed. I asked God to give me strength to keep going. I asked God to help me fight, to help me see where I was and where I will be if I keep down this path. Before I prayed, I was telling myself that I didn't need to wear my BodyBugg. Honestly, I only half record my food anymore so it isnt effective anyway. So I asked God to help me. To give me the desire to keep at it and record my nutrition. To think that I was startled out of my sleep with the realization that I was falling back into old habits is crazy. But it was also a gift. I wasn't aware two years ago at just what I was doing to myself. Today I see it for what it is and I am choosing to keep fighting. I don't know what this fight is going to look like. I seen a Spark blog one day that described weight loss as a journey that ebbs and flows. Mine is ebbing right now; dang near stalled. But the flow will come. I can't give myself passes to do what I did before. And I can't tell myself that I can eat what I want just because I put in a good workout. That is the maintenance phase and I am not there yet. 20 lbs. I owe myself that. I deserve that. I am going to have to work for that.