So I have been living (if you can even call it living) a life shut off from the world. Finally admitting to myself that I am the person to blame for allowing myself to be stuck in a world of agony. Now i am slowly breaking out of my cage and starting to truly see what life has to offer. i hate myself for wasting as much time as I have, But I think that things happen for a reason. My hope is that everything I have endured is leading me to a far greater fate than I could have ever imagined.
It has been easier to accept my life the way it is. This allowed me to fool myself into believing that I have no other choice than to live this way. I created this life I am in. I chose to hide away. I chose to feed the insecurities. I chose to not allow myself to be vulnerable and get close to people. they say that you can "choose" to be happy. If that were true, wouldn't everyone choose to be happy? Why are we determined to cause ourselves pain?
I love quotes and lyrics because they have the power to express what I am feeling, but am unable to find the words to say. I think this quote from Grey's Anatomy explains why we shut ourselves out. The quote is perfect for me!
Meredith: "There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever."
The future terrifies me. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. It's not that I want to ruin the ending, I just want to make sure it's all works out in the end. I know life is about the journey. Sometimes I just wish it came with a guarantee that it will all work out cause most of the time it doesn't feel that way. I think this song explains it perfectly.
"Happily Ever After" by He is We
Oh, happily ever after, wouldn’t you know, wouldn’t you know.
Oh, skip to the ending, who’d like to know, I’d like to know.
Author of the moment, can you tell me, do I end up, do I end up happy?
So how do you do it?
How do get the courage to take a chance with life?
How do you open yourself up for love?
How do you allow yourself to fall not knowing if anyone will ever catch you?
And how do you pick yourself up off the floor when you have done these things and they fall apart?