Sunday, March 10, 2013
We have a donation-based yoga studio in town that I love. I saw on FB last week that one of the instructors was going to be doing a relax and restore workshop yesterday. I signed up and, despite nasty weather, went.
As I was driving to the studio, I got rather weepy. I had to tell myself that it was okay to take this time for me. That voice in my head that tells me taking time for me when there is work to be done is being selfish and unprofessional started. I cried and thought, but I never get to do anything for myself, and I PAID for this class. Part of me wanted to turn around and go home--I had already wasted too much time on me this morning. The class was only 10 dollars--I waste that on coffee. Part of me felt like I wasn't worthy of going--I haven't been to a yoga class in several months....who was I kidding? I don't belong there.
But I kept driving. As I turned into the parking lot, I worried I was late, maybe there was no more room. I parked and went in. The studio always smells so good...calming. Kate, the instructor, who is always bubbly and happy it seems, welcomed me back and told me what I'd need for the class. I went back and saw that the room was almost full... I should have come earlier.
I put my bag up, took off my shoes, gathered the items I'd need and walked in. I felt very out of place. I found a spot that wouldn't cause anyone too much trouble and sat down.
The room was filled with people who had friends, whispering quietly while others sat silently, or were laying comfortable on their mats. I've always found it interesting how, in a room full of yogis and yoginis, everyone is so mindful of what others need.
My self-consciousness was pretty evident. I kept my fleece on, though the room was warm. I was not thin and lithe like the others. As the class began, my self-consciousness dissipated a little.
When I left, I still felt odd. Better, a little more relaxed...but still odd. Another instructor whose class I adore because of her quirky sense of humor was on her way in and said hi, even remembering my name...which I didn't expect.
I guess that is what it is like when you have been gone from something a while. Its why I'm hesitant to run with a group--what will they think of me? I'm in worse shape than I was before. I can't go as far or as fast, and I never really went far OR fast honestly. It's why I don't go to Quinn's anymore--aside from the fact that I don't want to go with co-workers who started going after I introduced them to it. They have flat stopped asking me to go and it would be very awkward for me to go on my own now.
I loved being a part of something for a little while. I miss it.